Rest In You

It has been twenty six years and I so feel tired... I wanted to rest. Funny how people greeted me “may you have many birthdays to come!” but the truth is that I don’t think that I would not wish for something like that. Sometimes, I do not know if I will be thankful that I am still alive. There was a time when a Baptist Missionary approached me and asked “are you afraid to die?” I answered him back bluntly “no”.

I know it is weird, but to tell you honestly I really viewed death in a different way. I am not afraid of death specifically my own death. I asked myself, am I ready to die? Ready or not, I will accept that. Death is happiness, imagine you will be in a place where there is no pain, no sadness no more tears and forever peace. I always dreamed of that place. It don't make no difference escaping one last time, but even for the past years there are times that I prayed that I wanted to rest. I found myself negotiating to trade places with a cancer patient that wants to live longer. I found myself bargaining with God for a friend/cousin/grandfather who is in the brink of death. I found myself wanting to replace a person whose loved one is crying on his coffin. Maybe weird enough, but for me I just wanted to rest in eternity.

Sometimes I think that we can never really be happy in this world, that real and happy life is not here, it is elsewhere. Tired of a straight line, and everywhere I turn, there is always a storm. Life is painful, and sometimes it is cruel. And I am so tired. All the things that I do are doomed to fail. There's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day. I am a great failure that I make up for all I lack and I am tired of proving myself. I feel that I cannot do anything right. I found myself praying consciously that “if I can’t do anything right Lord, please… take away my life… rather than hurting you… I am better off dead.” I wanted to go, far away from here, from this endlessness that I fear.

I am just a little pinch of sand and the whole world wouldn’t notice that I am gone, and I will not be a great loss in this world. I don’t even imagine that someone will cry if I am gone or someone will be sad when I am gone. I believe that it will all still be the same. I am just tired, I think. I wish I could find some peace tonight.