A Test of Obedience

Last Tuesday, I met the Director of GK Ateneo on my way to my morning class. He told me about the current problems in Gabaldon that needed immediate response. “We are going on Thursday in Gabaldon, would you like to go with us? You can help us sorting the trouble, we will leave Thursday morning at 9 AM and be back at night” he asked me. Of course I want to help, it has been four months since I last saw Gabaldon and I have spent my whole summer this year in that area, it was home for me. Hearing some news about them, and all of those problems I want to help. However, there is still a problem –asking permission.

You see, I can’t go wherever and whenever I wanted to go. I have to ask permission. A vow I took last may 2004. The only answer I gave him was “yes, I wanted to go, but I will ask my superiors first.” After my class, I rushed to the computer and typed my letter of asking permission for out-of-town trips. I thought it was going to be easy and they will allow me to go because my class during Thursday ends at 9 AM after that nothing follows, then my only class on Fridays are from 130-230 PM. I have conditioned myself going to Gabaldon but the following day, I received my superior’s response:

In my opinion, the reasons for going to Gabaldon are not sufficient. Consider this: a)that is not your apostolate. b) September 14 are class days (the semester is ending; you need to focus more on studies). I suggest you think and discern over this first, then if you really think that you should go to Gabaldon – present your case to the Rector.

For me I have spoken my reasons enough: though it was not my apostolate now, but it was my apostolate last summer, and having lived there for a month I they thought that my presence would be important (as a matter of fact the GK-Ateneo Director asked me if I could intervene), and yes though it was a class day, I am sure that I wont be missing any of my classes during the week (thinking that I just have finished my 50-page paper and my report I wont be missing anything important) with the duration of the meeting given.

Inside me, there is a conviction that I NEED TO GO whether or not I am allowed or not. The other bros don’t have difficulty in asking permission, they just go but here I am, wanting to do the opposite and go on with my own decision, for I feel that time they have misjudged my own thinking. I do have a choice that time, go and do not let anyone know that I am going, besides they will never find out (I will leave in the morning and be back in the evening) I have accustomed myself of going, but the other choice was: simply obey.

Thinking that I will have the courage to do the “right thing” I resulted to prayer, just to clear of my mind and get “His” approval. Inside prayer, I do have mix feelings on my decision to go, the fact that I will disobey my superiors and go on my own, but I tried to shrug it off thinking this is the right thing. So that night, I packed my bags and I was ready to go though something tells me that there is something wrong.

That feeling remained the following morning, 2 hours before I left for Nueva Ecija. I asked myself; even if I go I will never be at peace and concentrate on the meeting because I have to think the repercussions after (if someone finds out) and what I am doing now will be a reflection what I will become in the future. Thinking of the promise that I have made and my identity as a religious things became clearer for me. Then I texted the Director and told him this “sorry, it seems that I could not go with you today. After praying last night I felt something is not right, I have a vow and breaking them would reflect the kind of person I am. But next time I will secure the proper permission so that I could go without hiding anything”

Thanks to prayer that lead me to a peaceful decision, I think it was God who prevailed. Though I really wanted to go, I have to face the fact that I am not an ordinary person. My superiors have trusted me and given me freedom and I don’t want to abuse that freedom which means I have to be responsible enough. This time I want to make things right. One way of thinking with the Church, that I am not alone but part of a larger Society of Jesus. This is just an example of some struggles of an everyday life as a religious. The vow of obedience enables me to be free; free by my vow of obedience, to respond to the call of Christ as made known to me by Him whom the Spirit has placed over the Church, and to follow the lead of their superiors who has all authority over me.