Now That I Have You

While I was trying to gather materials from my old files for surprise present for you, I chanced upon this journal entry of mine dated exactly one year ago. Funny how it went, how I told my story. The entry was all about what happened that day of the year, when I was healing myself. I went to the places we have visited and those memories we had. The entry ended with a good wish for you and a promise that I will move on.

That was a year ago. Now who would have thought where we will be a year after that. Words from my heart and soul cannot be contained, feelings that I have wanted so much to share with you today… on your birthday.

You make me fly in a way I’ve never known before. Because of you, I am not afraid to be myself, to be the person that I am always meant to be. You will have all my love, and you will always have. And what you what you do to me… you make me laugh, you make me cry but most of all you make me love you, just the way you are.

I’m sitting here under the sky and stars but my thoughts are miles away. Wherever you are this evening, I wish so much I could touch your face, your hair, that beautiful smile. Just to run my fingers down the side of your face would be heaven to me. Just to look in your eyes and see what I’ve been waiting to see. Just to let you look in my eyes and see my soul as I know you’ve been waiting to do. It’s there Joanne in my eyes. The truth of everything I’ve said to you last year. The truth of my feelings for you. More than mere words can express. I love you is not enough for what you do to me, Anne.

I am no longer afraid of what will happen tomorrow. And it’s not that you haven’t hurt me - because you have - it’s just that somehow, someway you’ve always found a way to let me know you didn’t mean to. You are a complete mystery to me and yet I know you, know you better than I know myself.

I just knew if this was right it wouldn’t go away. It would keep growing and getting stronger in spite of how badly we were both screwing it up. Both of us with baggage from our pasts to help confuse what was happening. We still have and probably always will have baggage that will cause us problems. We will work through them because we both know how much we mean to each other.

I always end up walking into your arms. You always end up making me smile - at you. You always end up making me understand everything. You keep me balanced, you keep me centered and when I find (see) myself walking into your arms I know that I trust you with my life. And I am reminded again that I will always be safe with you.

And I find there is no life without you in it to share it with. Nothing is too hard, nothing is impossible because of you. You make me believe that anything and everything is possible.

Now I know what it is to love and to be loved without conditions and without reservations. And I want to shout it out to the whole world what I’ve found. I shout it out in my heart to God instead. Now that I have found you, not a day goes by that I don’t thank him for leading me back to you. For helping us through this. You never thought we’d make, at times I thought the same.

I never knew what real happiness was until I found you, until I have you. Never knew it was possible to feel this way, to wake up every morning and smile because I love you, because knowing you has brought me a serenity that I never dreamed was possible. Knowing that if I can feel this way and not be with you that what I feel must be real and how much I have to look forward to when we do meet again.

To you my dear wife Joanne, happy birthday! I love you so much.

Christmas Morn

From a distance I heard a clock radio was playing a tender Christmas tune, and I woke up to another day of infinite wonder and promise. I felt the sun began to shine on my forehead, for a moment I woke up from a dream. It was Christmas morning. I rose up from my bed, sat for a while and keeping alive the r we had last night during the Noche Buena and opening of presents. It was really a happy one. I got up, and went down to the kitchen. No one is awake, perhaps everybody slept late. And so I went upstairs again, and this time I am going to wake up someone. The door was slightly opened, so I slowly entered the door. There I saw this woman gently sleeping. I sat on chair beside her bed. Quietly I watched her sleep. Her hair was like flowing water lying on the pillow case. Her cheek was tenderly kissed by the ray of the sun. Her red lips tenderly closed and her eyelashes are evidently curved as her chinky eyes were still peacefully resting. I found myself looking at her dreaming of new tomorrows with her. She was beautiful. That particular sight forever imprinted in my mind, as it reminds me of what Christmas morning looked like: kind, gentle and serene.

She was a good friend. We were introduced when they have an exposure in our school and different provinces here in the country. I was a bit hesitant to talk to her. Along with other guys who are having a year of service here in the Philippines, I assisted them going to the different offices. She and I had a little chat. For a moment, I felt different for her, in this life, it's a rare gift to find someone you can connect with in every area. It is as if this person is your kindred spirit. We had good laugh together, exchanging friendly banters to each other and most specially, we had really deep conversations. Days passed by, and friendship grew deeper each day. However, there are some realities that held us back. And suddenly, what used to be beautiful and good have to end. We decided to part ways. They say that what love you have failed to give you will lose it forever, and from then on you will just know that the moment had just passed you by. True enough, she had someone new and it was such a bitter pill to swallow.

It wasn’t easy when I was experiencing that. Many of us love to dig back in the past and entertain ourselves with the thought of living it all over again. I know that God does not give us a burden that is beyond our capacity to bear. So I moved on. I moved on with a heavy heart. I moved on and lost everything that I have. There realized that God's ways aren't always easy and painless. Some are meant to open our eyes to what we do not see. Some are meant to make us realize what we stubbornly refuse to understand. Though I lost her, my thoughts continue to be with her, without her knowing that during those days, I continued to pray for her. I prayed that she may have a happy life with her husband, a good family and I prayed that she may be protected from any harm. And for myself, I prayed and hoped that somewhere in His time there will be hope in finding love, joy in sharing it and happiness in being able to keep it forever.

The Christmas, of that year wasn’t been the same. After the Christmas Eve mass I walked alone. I remember that particular Christmas morning. And I tried to hold it in my heart as long as I could. Looking at the Christmas star, I wished that I could go back to that particular time. I remember what my friend told me when I had a counseling session with him. He said “if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you have failed in love. Cry, if you have to but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left you with. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you.” And yes, letting go hurts even worse.

As time passes, the hurts have been healed. The picture of my Christmas morn never faded in my mind. From time to time, I hear myself praying for her for no apparent reasons. Hoping that even my prayers I could talk to her, which could make her feel that there is someone for her that continues to be with her even in spirit. That gives me hope, even though I didn’t end up with her, I still desire the best for her. I believe in the power of prayer. That through prayers you could reach the most distant person, wherever she may be. This is the beginning of always.

No matter how two people being separated by time and distance, if they are meant to each other, no matter the circumstances they will meet again. And you might drop in out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling. Our paths have crossed again, and this time there is no letting go. This time, this will be forever. Last October 26th of this year was the most memorable day of my life when the woman of my dreams and I walked down the aisle, and it was a promise like a reward of persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love, a decision to ignore simply the past and rise above the pain. A covenant which once binds two souls yet severs prior ties. It was a celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For the two us ill be stronger, and love will always be the guiding force in our lives.

To my beautiful and lovely wife, I wonder if you have any idea how many lives you touch. You’re probably not even aware that people have been inspired and hearts have been uplifted because of you. I am not talking about the big, showy things that get written up in the newspapers or make the six o’clock news. I am talking about the little everyday things you do so easily, like a compliment when someone is feeling down, a word of praise that validates somebody’s dream, a smile that seems to say “I accept you just as you are.” It seems that goodness in your heart just spills over and spreads happy feelings to everyone around you. I thank you for the yesterdays and new tomorrows. And I want to let you know, I am one of those people whose life is happier because you are in this world. You are the best thing that ever happened to me in a long time. I love you.

This year, this is our first Christmas as husband and wife. Though we are apart now, I still remember our first Christmas together. I believe that in my dreams that you are here with me celebrating Christmas, and will forever go back to that particular sight forever imprinted in my mind, as it reminds me of what Christmas morning looked like: kind, gentle and serene.

Longing and Waiting

“Advent is the season for waiting, but we need to know what kind of waiting is God is asking from us. Why “waiting”? Our response to God is always one of waiting. It is always he who initiates. We need his grace first. We are at his mercy.” - Fr. Johnny Go, SJ

If we try examine our feelings this time of the year, we somehow encounter the feeling of loneliness, sadness or a little bit melancholic. We can blame it perhaps on the cold weather, the Christmas songs and carols, or even the simple decoration that would remind us about Christmas past. There is indeed a certain kind of longing, whether a person, place, thing or an event. This longing can be described like a restless, consumed by a thirst that cannot be quenched and a fire that will not be stilled. In every cell of our bodies and in the very DNA of our souls we ache for someone or something that we have not yet known, ache in a way that leaves us too dissatisfied and restless to live fully inside our own skins. Our lives always seem too small for us. Moreover, and this is the key, this is God's doing. God is the hand behind this "intolerable shirt of flame.”

I guess it is normal to feel lonely these days. And advent is all about loneliness, but loneliness is a complex thing as we know. What we learn from loneliness is that we are more than any moment in our lives, more than any situation we are in, more than any humiliation we have experienced, more than any rejection we have endured, and more than all the limits within which we find ourselves. Loneliness and longing take us beyond ourselves. I remember in one of our Theo classes, Jesuit theologian Karl Ranher, talked about loneliness like “the only in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable do we know that we are more than the limits of our bodies, our present relationships, our jobs, our achievements, and the concrete situations within which we live, work, and die.”
Loneliness and longing let us touch, through desire, God's ultimate design for us. In our longing, the mystics tell us, we intuit the kingdom of God. What that means is that in our desires we sense the deeper blueprint for things.

Our loneliness and longing are a hunger and an energy that drive us, always, beyond the present moment. In them we do intuit the kingdom of God. Perhaps this is the meaning of it, the time of the year we are longing for someone, for a place, or something. Advent is about getting in touch with our longing. It's about letting our yearnings raise our psychic temperatures so that we are pushed to eventually let down our guard, hope in new ways, and risk intimacy. And at middle of this experience of loneliness, we can do nothing but wait. Wait because there is nothing we can do about this loneliness, it is something greater than us. Wait for Him to ease the loneliness of our hearts, the fill us with His love for us to be complete.

Advent celebrates human longing. It asks us not to deny our longings but to enter them, deepen them, and widen them until we become insane enough for the light so that, like the butterfly, we open ourselves to undergo a metamorphosis.

May Araw Din Kayo!

(ewan ko pa kung hindi ninyo ito maintidihan)

Theres The Rub
By Conrado de Quiros
Philippine Daily Inquirer Editorial
First Posted 01:04:00 08/17/2009

Tatagalugin ko na nang makuha n’yo. Kahit na lingwaheng kanto lang ang alam kong Tagalog.

Tutal Buwan ng Wika naman ang Agosto. Baka sakali ’yung paboritong wika ni Balagtas ay makatulong sa pag-unawa n’yo dahil mukhang ’yung paboritong wika ni Shakespeare ay lampas sa IQ n’yo. Kung sa bagay, ang pinakamahirap gisingin ay ’yung nagtutulug-tulugan. Ang pinakamahirap padinggin ay ’yung nagbibingi-bingihan. Ang pinakamahirap paintindihin ay ’yung nagmamaangmaangan. Bueno, mahirap din paintindihin ’yung likas na tanga. Pero bahala na.

Sabi mo, Cerge Remonde, alangan naman pakanin ng hotdog ang amo mo. Bakit alangan? Hindi naman vegetarian ’yon. At public service nga ’yon, makakatulong dagdagan ng cholesterol at salitre ang dugong dumadaloy papuntang puso n’ya. Kung meron man s’yang dugo, kung meron man s’yang puso.

Bakit alangan? Malamang di ka nagbabasa ng balita, o di lang talaga nagbabasa, kung hindi ay nalaman mo ’yung ginawa ni Barack Obama at Joe Biden nitong nakaraang Mayo. Galing silang White House patungong Virginia nang magtakam sila pareho ng hamburger. Pina detour nila ang motorcade at tumuloy sa unang hamburgerang nakita nila. Ito ang Ray’s Hell Burger, isang maliit at independienteng hamburger joint.

Tumungo ang dalawa sa counter at sila mismo ang nag-order, hindi mga aides. Nagbayad sila ng cash na galing sa sariling bulsa at kagaya ng ibang customers ay pumila para sa turno nila.

Ito ay presidente at bise presidente ng pinakamakapangyarihang bansa sa buong mundo. Kung sa bagay, ’yung amo n’yo ay hindi naman talaga presidente. Di lang makita ang pagkakaiba ni Garci kay God kaya nasabing “God put me here.” Pekeng presidente, pekeng asal presidente.

Sabi mo, Anthony Golez, maliit lang ang P1 million dinner kumpara sa bilyon-bilyong pisong dinala ng amo mo sa bansa.

Ay kayo lang naman ang nagsasabing may inambag ang amo n’yo na bilyong-bilyong piso sa kaban ng bayan. Ni anino noon wala kaming nakita. Ang nakita lang namin ay yung bilyon-bilyong piso—o borjer, ayon nga sa inyong dating kakosa na si Benjamin Abalos—na inaswang ng amo n’yo sa kaban ng bayan. Executive privilege daw ang hindi n’ya sagutin ito. Kailan pa naging pribilehiyo ng isang opisyal ang di managot sa taumbayan? Kailan pa naging pribilehiyo ng isang opisyal ang magnakaw?

Maliit lang pala ang P1 million, ay bakit hindi n’yo na lang ibigay sa nagugutom? O doon sa mga sundalo sa Mindanao? Tama si Archbishop Oscar Cruz. Isipin n’yo kung gaano karaming botas man lang ang mabibili ng P1 million at karagdagang P750,000 na nilamon ng amo n’yo at mga taga bitbit ng kanyang maleta sa isa pang restawran sa New York.

Maliit lang pala ang P1 million (at P750,000), bakit hindi n’yo na lang ibigay doon sa pamilya ng mga sundalong namatay sa Mindanao? Magkano ’yung gusto n’yong ibigay sa bawat isa? P20,000? Sa halagang iyan 50 sundalo na ang maaabuluyan n’yo sa $20,000. Pasalu-saludo pa ’yang amo n’yo sa mga namatay na kala mo ay talagang may malasakit. Bumenta na ’yang dramang ’yan. At pasabi-sabi pa ng “Annihilate the Abus!” Di ba noon pa n’ya ’yan pinangako? Mahilig lang talagang mangako ’yang amo n’yo.

Bukod pa d’yan, saan ba nanggaling ’yung limpak-limpak na salapi ng mga kongresista na pinansisindi nila ng tabako? Di ba sa amin din? Tanong n’yo muna kung ayos lang na i-blowout namin ng wine at caviar ang amo n’yo habang kami ay nagdidildil ng asin—’yung magaspang na klase ha, ’di yung iodized. Ang tindi n’yo, mga p’re.

At ikaw naman, Romulo Macalintal, tapang ng apog mo. Maiisip mo tuloy na sundin na lang ang mungkahi ni Dick the Butcher sa “Henry VI” ni Shakespeare: “First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Pa ethics-ethics ka pa, pasalamat ka di nasunog ang bibig mo sa pagbigkas ng katagang ’yon.

Marami mang sugapa rin sa aming mga taga media, di naman kasing sugapa n’yo. At di naman kami sineswelduhan ng taumbayan. Wala naman kaming problemang sumakay sa PAL at kailangan pang bumili ng P1.2 billion jet. Anong sabi n’yo, kailangan ng amo n’yo sa pabyahe-byahe? E sino naman ang may sabing magbabyahe s’ya? Ngayon pang paalis na s’ya—malinaw na ayaw n’yang umalis. Bakit hindi na lang s’ya bumili ng Matchbox na eroplano? Kasya naman s’ya ro’n.

Lalo kayong nagpupumiglas, lalo lang kayong lumulubog sa kumunoy. Di n’yo malulusutan ang bulilyasong ginawa n’yo. Para n’yo na ring inagaw ang isinusubong kanin ng isang batang nagugutom. Tama si Obama at Biden: Sa panahon ng recession, kung saan nakalugmok ang mga Amerikano sa hirap, dapat makiramay ang mga pinuno sa taumbayan, di nagpapakapariwara. Sa panahon ng kagutuman, na matagal nang kalagayan ng Pinoy, at lalo pang tumindi sa paghagupit ng Typhoon Gloria, dapat siguro uminom na lang kayo ng insecticide. Gawin n’yo ’yan at mapapawi kaagad ang kagutuman ng bayan.

Sa bandang huli, buti na rin lang at ginawa n’yo ’yung magpasasa sa P1 million dinner habang lupaypay ang bayan sa kagutuman—di lang sa kawalan ng pagkain kundi sa iba pang bagay—at pagdadalamhati sa yumaong Ina ng Bayan. Binigyan n’yo ng mukha ang katakawan. Katakawang walang kabusugan. Mukhang di nakita ng masa sa usaping NBN, mukhang di nakikita ng masa sa usaping SAL. Mukhang nakita lang ng masa dito sa ginawa n’yong ito. Sa pagpapabondat sa New York habang naghihinagpis ang bayan.

At buti na rin lang mayroon tayong sariling wika. Di sapat ang Inggles para iparamdam sa inyo ang suklam na nararamdaman namin sa inyo. Di sapat ang Inggles para ipakita sa inyo ang pagkamuhi na nararamdaman namin sa inyo. Di maarok ng Inggles ang lalim ng poot na nararamdaman namin sa inyo.

Isinusuka na kayo ng taumbayan, mahirap man sumuka ang gutom.

May araw din kayo.

Selfless Living

(Written August 6, 2009)


We buried my grandfather to his final resting place exactly a week ago. Lolo Tol (or Asti popularly known) was a city counselor in the 2nd district of Makati. He served 3 terms of being a counselor. One of his greatest contributions to the city was implementing the “No Smoking” in public places within Makati. Mayor Binay, asked him to make a resolution prohibiting smoking in public places and designating common smoking areas. And yet, he died of lung cancer.

During the eulogy, my Tito told about the pain he felt for Lolo’s passing. He told us the story.
“Alam ninyo, malaki ang tampo namin sa Papa… dahil matagal siyang nawala sa amin dahil sa paglilingkod sa tao, sa inyo. At noong matapos na ang kanyang termino bilang konsehal, bumalik siya sa amin na mahina at may sakit na. Halos lahat ng oras niya binigay niya sa taong bayan. At iniwan kami…”

Then he continued his story about my Lolo’s pain.
“Alam ninyo rin, malaki ang tampo ng Papa sa simbahan. Yung simban natin sa Pembo, dati basketball court lang iyon, pero si Papa ang nag-ayos para doon itayo ang simbahan natin. Hanggang ngayon, sa kanya pa rin nakapangalan ang kuntador ng kuryente. Pero noong magkasakit si Mama, nanghingi kami sa simbahan ng tulong para mabasbasan man lang sana si Mama bago mamamatay. Ang sinabi ng pari sa amin, wala daw silang mapapdala dahil marami silang ginagawa. At noong mamatay si Mama, humingi kami ng tulong para man lang ma-misahan si Mama, pero kulang daw sila ng pari. Tapos noong kumuha naman kami ng pari sa labas, nagalit naman sa amin na dapat daw magpaalam muna bago magmisa yung inimbitahan naming pari. Kaya simula noon, hindi na nagsimba sa parokya si Papa. Doon siya sa malayo…”

“Marami natulong si Papa sa mga tao, hanggang sa talikuran niya ang sariling pamilya para maglingkod sa taong bayan. Noong nawala siya sa kapangyarihan, ang mga tao unti-unti na rin nawala. Kaya sabi ng Papa… pag namatay ako, wag ninyo ako iburol sa atin. Doon ninyo ako iburol sa malayo. Hayaan natin kung sino lang ang makaalala…”

My Tito spoke in a small room full of people, but it was relatively small room. I asked myself “where are the other nine?” Is this the price of offering your life for the sake of the people?

=====

Yesterday, I joined the Filipino people who said goodbye to Tita Cory. The night before that, I braved the rains and the long lines just to take a glimpse and say goodbye to a leader whom influenced me so much. I remember one time, after the Jun Lozada mass which I served as an Acolyte she invited us to have lunch in their house in Green Meadows. The family was there (except for Kris) and I had the chance to break bread with the well known Senator Noynoy, Aquino and exchange stories with Tita Pinky whom I found so welcoming and bubbly. And of course, I had the chance to exchange stories with Tita Cory.

Walking all the way from Intramuros to Manila Memorial Park is just my own way of thanking her and showing my love to a leader and a president who have showed integrity, consistency, courage and deep faith.

After her death, The Philippine Daily wrote in their headline “A great gift we lost”, but I say “A great gift we had” because her legacy will continue as I myself, will carry out her mission in the things that I can. In the words of Fr. Catalino Arevalo, SJ said in his homily during the funeral mass “Thank you Father in heaven, for your gift to us of Cory Aquino. Thank you that she passed once this way through our lives with the grace you gave her to share with us. If we give her back to you, we do it with grateful hearts, but now, oh, with breaking hearts also, because of the greatness and beauty of the gift which she was for us, the gift you have now taken back to yourself; a gift the like of which, perhaps, we shall not know again. Salamat po, Tita Cory, mahal na mahal po namin kayo.”

======

Do we know a selfish person who is really happy? These two lives, two different stories, one common similarity which is forgetting oneself and offering their lives to other people. When we try to live as if our lives are about ourselves, we either end up too full of ourselves or too empty of everything else, inflated or depressed. Put simply, we either end up dying in selflessness on one hill or we end up full of ourselves and self-hatred on some other hill!

There is a reason for this. We are made in God’s image and likeness and, because of this, carry inside of ourselves an immense fire; a fire for love, creativity, glory, greatness, and transcendence. But that deep, restless, insatiable, burning energy is not simply a chaotic one, as Freud believed. It’s a configured energy, an energy arranged in clear, meaningful patterns. We burn with fire, but it is a fire with meaning, purpose, and direction.

What is its meaning? It is a fire to carry others, feed others, and create delight for them, even as it is an energy to die for them. It is a fire to act as Jesus did and therefore it is a fire for crucifixion, for martyrdom. We are born to live for others and we are born to die for them, with one and the same energy, and we are only happy when we are about the business of doing both.

This is the deep instinctual pattern written into the soul itself and it posits that real maturity lies in being stretched truly tall, on some cross, in crucifixion.

Maraming Salamat, Tita Cory!

A Tribute To Corazon Aquino (1933 -2009)

Endings And New Beginnings

We all get at least one good wish a year. Over the candles on our birthday, some of us throw in more. On eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars, and every now and then, one of those wishes comes true. So what then? Is it is as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?

What we are going to do with that long list of other wishes? Are we still hoping that all of those will come true? Or perhaps we just have to accept our fate and go with it.

Tomorrow will be an ending and new beginning for me. I started last year with anxiety but full of hope towards the days to come. The uncertainty I faced as I continue my journey, or the way that I described it as “my flight.” As I look back now, it was a mixture of good and not so good memories, of stories of letting go and moving on, jof joy and pain, of triumphs and failures, and loving and being hurt. These are the things I am thankful for. Those things made me who I am now.

Once you reach a certain age, there should be only one phrase left in your vocabulary: Thank-you! With every birthday, gratitude should deepen until it colors every aspect life. But like what I have said last year, “I love living and I hope still to live for a long time, but if I died today it would be okay. I'd be okay - because I'm loved. I know people who love me, and that's enough."

Thank you for all the people, those who have shown love to me, and being an expression of God's love. As I start another year in my life, I carry with me memories and lessons learned. I know I need more and more to trust love and surrender, to let go of myself, especially of my pride, my wounds, my hurts, my mistakes, my past, and my weaknesses, to give myself over to forgiveness. At a certain age, it should come down to one word: "Thanks!"