Letting it Out

(a letter to someone who will never read this)

There were so many things that's been happening to me for the past few days and I haven't talked to anyone for so long. I feel I've been lost, no bearings, no compass. I kept crashing into things, a little crazy I guess. I've never been lost before. You were my true north. I could always steer for home when you were my home.

Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake's been made and I am waiting for God to take it back. But I am doing better now. The work helps me. Most of all, you help me.

You came into my dream last night with that smile of yours that always held me like a lover, rocked me like a child. All I remember from that dream is a feeling of peace...
I woke up with that feeling and tried to keep it alive as long as I could. I am writing to tell you that I am on a journey toward that peace. And to tell you I am sorry about so many things.

I am sorry I didn't take better care of you so you never spent a minute being cold or scared or sick. I am sorry that I ever fought with you. I am sorry I didn't apologize more, I was too proud. I am sorry I didn't bring you more compliments, I am sorry I didn't try harder to find the words to tell you what I am feeling.
I am sorry I didn't hold on to you with so much strenght... that even God couldn't pull you away.

If only I could hold you once again, and hear these words from you...