Debunking Myths

(Backpost from Multiply blog. This is actually what we have discussed in our Marital and Pre-marital dynamics and counseling in CeFam. Let us reflect first before plunging into the deep.)

WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE

(Debunking the Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By: Bo Sanchez


This article isn't for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see 42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah's couch because of Katie?)

It happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated, holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green... it doesn't really matter.

All of us fall in love.

And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy.

My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them.

Let's begin...


MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL

Let me qualify.

This is such a tricky myth. Because love ----- as defined by the Bible ------ will conquer all. But love ------ as defined by glazed-eyed lovers ----- will not.

If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:

You overlook major obstacles in your relationship.

Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with poison.

But you won't --------- because you're in love. That's why there are songs entitled, "you and me against the world".

Your best buds comment, 'but he's been jobless for the past three years!" And you say, "He's free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he's in the office. '(in other words, he's undisciplined, lazy bum.)

Your officemates say, 'He flirts with other women constantly!' and you say, 'No, he's just friendly.' (in other words, he's a pervert)

Your cousins say, 'He's taking drugs, He's got needle marks all over his arm. And you say, 'No, he's into cross stitching.'

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change him

The wedding doesn't transform anyone...Even if three Popes officiate the wedding. The person you'll march with into the church will be the same person you'll march with out of the church. He doesn't change one bit.

In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious.

If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after the wedding. If he was hypercritical before he got married, he'll even be more vile and prolific with his criticisms after wedding. Here's the truth: You need more than feelings of love to make a relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a minimum level of compatibility.

Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear people say, 'We're compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We're both born in July."

Wow. That's so deep, I want to cry.


MYTH 2 : WHEN IT"S TRUE LOVE YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON

I'm sure you've had this experience before.

You are in a crowded room. You're surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when, suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door. Your eyes meet. Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of nowhere, you here gentle violin music from the background.

One week later, he's your boyfriend.

A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend's a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you're his eight in six months).

Your mind says, 'Dump him'.

Your heart says, 'But it was love at first sight!'

Here are the consequences ...

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the dark side of the relationship.

Six out of seven days, you're fighting with your boyfriend. But you can't give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment. Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again ......How can you not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first- sight junkie that you could miss out on the 'real thing'.

One intelligent woman told me, 'Bo, there's this guy who's courting me. He's okay. He's kind, he's responsible, he has a good job.......'

"I could hear a 'but' coming ," I said.

"But there are no sparks!" she bit her lip.

"No violin music playing in the background huh?"

"None. When I see him, the background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalula lei..."

"Listen. You don't need a magical first moment to meet your potential husband. The important things are mature character, financial responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values..."

I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down the aisle, she whispered to me, "Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It's loud and clear."

It doesn't have to be love at first sight. In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends who've known each other for years before they realize that they're good marriage material.

What is love at first sight?
Many times, it's lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight.

Don't give it too much weight.

Here's the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love takes a lifetime.


MYTH 3 : IF IT IS TRUE LOVE YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER

No, you won't. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :
You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over and whether you really loved one another in the first place.

Imagine the night of your honeymoon. Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes. Her beautiful nose, her parted red lips.

And all of a sudden, she snores.
"Ngggggggooork"

How do you react? Because it's your honeymoon, you say, 'How cute.'

Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. And you hear her snore.
"Ngggggoork."

What do you say? "Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!"

What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this: 'That's normal. It happens to everyone. But it doesn't mean your love is gone so don't panic!

You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love
This is nutty. But many people do it: when we don't feel in love, we think it's the fault of the other person. And so we fight him. Again, we fall out of love because we're human beings. It's nobody's fault. The moment you fall out of love , the real work begins.

Let me explain.

This is the most important point I'm going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less traveled)

"Falling in love isn't love ."

Here's why. When you fall in love...

a. No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.

b. No effort is required. Falling in love is like.... Well, falling.

c. No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen. Sure true love can only happen after you've fallen out of love.

When you begin choosing to love, even if you don't feel like doing it ---- that's true love. And that's the foundation of a lasting marriage.


MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely ----- you want the same satisfaction to last. No it won't. Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn't fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself.

Here's the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them .

There are just some things your husband can't give you: you're self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are things you have to work on your own. I've met lots of people who think they're dissatisfied with their marriage. In reality, they're dissatisfied with themselves. I've met lots of people who think they're bored with their marriages. And they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is ---- when in truth, they're really bored with life.

Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.


MYTH 5 : IF IT'S TRUE LOVE YOU WON'T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse.

One man told me, 'Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl at work."

Being attracted to someone is normal ----- even if you have a happy marriage. But being attracted doesn't mean falling into adultery.

Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say, 'Home, boy, Home!' and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other woman, it grows.

Waiting on an Angel

by Ben Harper
(song currently playing in my mind)



waiting on an angel
one to carry me home
hope you come to see me soon
cause i don't want to go alone
i don't want to go alone

now angel won't you come by me
angel hear my plea
take my hand lift me up
so that i can fly with thee
so that i can fly with thee

and i'm waiting on an angel
and i know it won't be long
to find myself a resting place
in my angel's arms
in my angel's arms

so speak kind to a stranger
cause you'll never know
it just might be an angel come
knockin' at your door
knockin' at your door

and i'm waiting on an angel
and i know it won't be long
to find myself a resting place
in my angel's arms
in my angel's arms

waiting on an angel
one to carry me home
hope you come and see me soon
cause i don't want to go alone
i don't want to go alone
don't want to go
i don't want to go alone

Moving On

backpost from Multiply blog Feb. 29, 2008

(to R who tries to let go fully)

When we fail in our relationships, we ask ourselves what went wrong. There are times when nothing was wrong. Sometimes love just naturally fades away and this happens to people who are simply not meant for each other. I know it is difficult to comprehend why relationships suddenly take unexpected turns. But, it always happens. People we treasure are taken away from us for a reason . Sometimes we have to stop asking why and just accept our fate. If there is certainty in that end, then we should stop being bitter and just be thankful that for once, we have loved and shared our life.

Distance has little to do with forgetting. This healing should begin in your heart. Acceptance is the first step to recovery. Once you have learned to understand that this is where it ends then it is the only time when you will learn how to move on with life without having to stop every time you are reminded of the bitterness of the past.

God's ways aren't always easy and painless. Some are meant to open our eyes to what we do not see. Some are meant to make us realize what we stubbornly refuse to understand. But all of them will always be meant to make us stronger and better persons. We just have to trust Him on that.

Flight of the Leaf

(a poem from my retreat)

Like the leaf securely attached
To the branch of the tree as so many other leaves are,
May I hang on to you
And sway with you, dance with you.

Like the leaf that gets blown by the wind
Away from its tree,
Swirling, spiraling, thrashing ---
Wildly, gently, slowly, swiftly
Hitting branches, leaves, trunks
Tearing and bruising itself in flight,
May I journey with you as the leaf
That blows with the wind
Like the leaf that falls to the ground
When the wind blows no longer
Left on the ground to be trampled upon,
Dry up, decay
Or if chance be,
Get blown by another strong gust of wind
All over again

May I know rest and flight,
May I be at peace with endings
And new beginnings
In the meantime,
Let me just enjoy the flight
Let me always enjoy the flight
Wherever it may lead
Trusting in the wind

The Gift of Loneliness

backpost from Multiply blog June 20, 2008

(for all those who feel lonely and longing for something or someone)

In one of my classes with Fr. Roque Ferriols, SJ, I remember him lecturing Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s notion of an omega point that once suggested that peace and justice will come to us when we reach a high enough psychic temperature so as to burn away the things that still hold us apart. In saying this, he was drawing upon a principle in chemistry: Sometimes two elements will simply lie side by side inside a test-tube and not unite until sufficient heat is applied so as to bring them to a high enough temperature where unity can take place.

That's wonderful metaphor when we are trying to figure out the meaning of our lives, or even so the feelings that we feel, most specifically loneliness. Our life perhaps is about getting in touch with our longing. It's about letting our yearnings raise our psychic temperatures so that we are pushed to eventually let down our guard, hope in new ways, and risk intimacy.

John of the Cross has a similar image: Intimacy with God and with each other will only take place, he says, when we reach a certain kindling temperature. For too much of our lives, he suggests, we lie around as damp, green logs inside the fire of love, waiting to come to flame but never bursting into flame because of our dampness. Before we can burst into flame, we must first dry out and come to kindling temperature. We do that, as does a damp log inside a fire, by first sizzling for a long time in the flames so as to dry out.

How do we sizzle psychologically and spiritually? For John of the Cross, we do that through the pain of loneliness, restlessness, disquiet, anxiety, frustration, and unrequited desire. In the torment of incompleteness our psychic temperature rises so that eventually we come to kindling temperature and, there, we finally open ourselves to union in new ways.

We all feel lonely sometimes. Perhaps life is about loneliness and longing, but loneliness and longing is a complex thing.

Nobel Prize winning author, Toni Morrison describes it this way:

"There is a loneliness that can be rocked. Arms crossed, knees drawn up, holding, holding on, this motion, unlike a ship’s, smoothes and contains the rocker. It's an inside kind - wrapped tight like skin. Then there is a loneliness that roams. No rocking can hold it down. It is alive, on its own. A dry and spreading thing that makes the sound of one’s own feet going seems to come from a far-off place."

All of us know exactly what she is describing, especially the latter type, the roaming kind of loneliness that haunts the soul and makes us, all too often, too restless to sleep at night and too uncomfortable to be inside our own skins during the day.

And what's the lesson in this? What we learn from loneliness is that we are more than any moment in our lives, more than any situation we are in, more than any humiliation we have experienced, more than any rejection we have endured, and more than all the limits within which we find ourselves. Loneliness and longing take us beyond ourselves. How?

Thomas Aquinas once taught that we can attain something in one of two ways: through possession or through desire. We like to possess what we love, but that isn't often possible and it has an underside.

Possession is limited, desire is infinite. Possession sets up fences, desire takes down fences. To quote Karl Rahner, only in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable do we know that we are more than the limits of our bodies, our present relationships, our jobs, our achievements, and the concrete situations within which we live, work, and die.

Loneliness and longing let us touch, through desire, God's ultimate design for us. In our longing, the mystics tell us, we intuit the kingdom of God. What that means is that in our desires we sense the deeper blueprint for things. And what is that?

Scripture tells us that the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, of simple bodily pleasure, but a coming together in justice, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, that is what we ache for in our loneliness and longing: consummation, oneness, intimacy, completeness, harmony, peace, and justice. Sometimes, of course, in our fantasies and daydreams that isn't so evident. God's kingdom seems something much loftier and more holy than what we often long for - sex, revenge, fame, power, glory, pleasure. However even in these fantasies, be they ever so crass, there is present always a deeper desire, for justice, for peace, for joy, for oneness in Christ.

Our loneliness and longing are a hunger and an energy that drive us, always, beyond the present moment. In them we do intuit the kingdom of God.

Life is about longing, about getting in touch with it, about heightening it, about letting it raise our psychic temperatures, about sizzling as damp, green logs inside the fires of intimacy, about intuiting the kingdom of God by seeing, through desire, what the world might look like if a Messiah were to come and, with us, establish justice, peace, and unity on this earth.

-Adapted from Ron Rolheiser, OMI

Turning Twenty-Eight

Few weeks ago, I attended two wake masses. One is a friend of my friend who died during typhoon Frank's rage. He was the mountaineer who was found three days after he was declared missing. He was found in one island in Zamables, on the day of his birth. And the other one was a classmate of mine in Ateneo, which really suprised me upon knowing his demise.

But it gave me cause for reflection.

A couple of years before he died, the novelist, Morris West, wrote a remarkable autobiographical piece he called, A View From the Ridge. I like what he says in the preface of that book: Once you reach a certain age, he suggests, there should be only one phrase left in your vocabulary: Thank-you! With every birthday, gratitude should deepen until it colors every aspect life. I'm not sure that I am there, but at least I know where I should be going.

Reading Morris West's autobiography, reminded me of a conversation I had with an old Jesuit Priest, which I will not name, when I asked him during lunch on how he feels reaching an old age. He said to me "I love living and I hope still to live for a long time, but if I died today it would be okay. I'd be okay - because I'm loved. I know people who love me, and that's enough." That's a wonderful realization.

I will celebrate my birthday soon, though I know that this will be a lot different, it will be just an ordinary day without the usual celebration or fancy dinners (and that will be another blog entry). But like Fr. X who have grown with such grace, I'd still like to live for a long time, but if I died tomorrow, I'd be okay, because I too know people who love and have loved me. I didn't always feel that way, about dying, or about being loved, when I was younger.

And what have I learned over twenty seven years?

Luck has been with me and, among other things, I have been given the opportunity to belong in a group of religious men, though aware that we are sinners but still being used as God's instrument in this world and spread His love to His people. I was given the chance to study under some first-rate scholars and mentors who occasionally were also saints (I know some of them) and co-community members. Belonging a company of religous men, at least I hope, taught me some of life's real lessons.

So what have I learned after twenty eight years?

First, that there is a God, though not everything we do in his name honors that. Bertrand Russell, in a famous debate with Frederick Copleston, once stated: "If the universe makes sense, then there is a God!" The universe does make sense, though not always on the surface of things. But deep down things make sense, especially morally, and we know that whenever we don't lie to ourselves. There's a law of karma, operative at every level of things that lets us know that the air we breathe out is the air that we will re-inhale. There is an ultimate justice in everything.

Second, the mystery of God, the universe, and human life are far, far bigger than we have ever imagined and can ever imagine. The older we get, the more we know how little we understand, how far beyond us is the great mystery, and how we need, as John of the Cross says, "to begin to understand more by not understanding than by understanding." When we are little children and we ask our mothers where the sun goes at night, the best answer they can give is that it goes down behind the trees to take a rest. Later we learn about stars and planets and the big-bang theory and we graph it all out on PowerPoint. We need that sophistication. But there comes a time again, beyond Einstein, Stephen Hawkings, PowerPoint, and age, when perhaps the best language of all is, again, the language of children, where the sun takes a sleep behind the trees. This is especially true about God and the great dogmas of our faith. God is ineffable and all of our language about God is more inadequate than adequate and the great dogmas of our faith are more items of the heart and gut than objects of the intellect.

And one last bit: We need more and more to trust love and surrender (I am still learning), to let go of ourselves, especially of our pride, our wounds, our hurts, our mistakes, our past, and our weaknesses, to give ourselves over to forgiveness (and I continue to learn this). Morris West said that, at a certain age, it should come down to one word: "Thanks!" He's right, but to say that one word and mean it we need three other words: "Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness!"

The Struggle to Surrender and Trust

The past days has been a struggle for me. I found it hard to trust my God whom who showed me that He is trustworthy enough. Things are not going to the way I imagined, or perhaps I was wishing that the things I would like to happen will happen. I noticed that I don't have much trust in my heart, because I don't have enough love. And I asked myself, is it safe enough to love?

It is safe to love. Yes, it is safe to be vulnerable because we are in loving hands. It is safe to surrender because we fall into light, not darkness. It is safe to be weak because the strength we need is found when we give up on our own power. It is safe give up the hurts we cling to because these lose their force when we are in love. It is safe to trust, to let our loved ones be free, because a power beyond us loves them more than we do and ultimately takes care of their safety. It is safe to give ourselves over without fear because, as faith teaches, in the end, all will be well. And it is safe to live our lives with daring because God, as Julian Norwich assures us, sits in heaven, smiling, completely relaxed, his face looking like a marvellous symphony. The world is ultimately safe. It is safe to love.

But it's not easy to believe that. Perhaps if we had all been loved perfectly, had perfect confidence, and had never been wounded, disappointed, betrayed, or made to cry tears of regret, we would find it easier to believe that it is safe, that we can trust, that we have no need to protect ourselves, and that we do not need to be forever anxious about how we are measuring up, how we are being perceived, how we are being understood, and whether we are worthy of love.

Most of the time we find it hard to trust because we find ourselves wounded, lacking confidence, anxious about many things, feeling the need to protect ourselves. It is hard to trust and especially it is hard to show weakness and to be vulnerable. In the air we breathe everywhere (sometimes even in our most intimate relationships) we inhale a distrust that makes us want to show a superior strength, attractiveness, talent, intelligence, self-reliance, and cool detachment. Distrust and self- protection are everywhere. It's hard to let ourselves be vulnerable, to trust that it is safe to love.

And yet, deep down, vulnerability and surrender are what we most deeply want. At every level, we need and want surrender. Morally and religiously, the entire gospels can be put into one word: Surrender. Emotionally, psychologically, and sexually the deepest imperative inside of us is simply: Surrender. And, deeper than all of our anxieties and our need to protect ourselves, lies a truth we know at the core of our being, namely, that in the end we cannot take care of ourselves, we cannot make ourselves whole, and we cannot hide our weaknesses from each other. We need to surrender, to trust, to let ourselves fall into stronger and safer hands than our own.

But in order to do this we need to trust, trust that it is safe to love, to let go, to reveal whom we really are, to show weakness, to not have to pretend that we are whole and self-reliant. This, as we know, is not easy to do. Indeed, on any given day and at any given moment, it is existentially impossible for us to feel safe, to give ourselves over, to be vulnerable. And so we generally risk the cold misery of detachment rather than risk being misunderstood, rejected, shamed, or seen as needy.

How do we move towards trust? How do we, as Henri Nouwen puts it, move from the house of fear to the house of love?

There is no easy way, no simple formula, no magic bullet, and simply realizing where we need to go is not enough to get us there. When I was giving a seminar to group of young profesionals, a woman came up to me at the break and said: "I agree with what you, trust is everything, but ... I can't get there!" She speaks for almost all of us.

How can we get there? How do we pull the trigger on trust?

This is a journey that takes a lifetime. To master this is to be a saint. And believe me, even my own trust in God is not perfect. I am also learning right now. Even as write this, I still have doubts. I still have anxiety. And its never easy.

But we shouldn't be surprised if we still find ourselves, at least on any given day, a long ways from where we want to be. I read somewhere from Ruth Burrows, a British Carmelite. In her "Guidelines for Mystical Prayer", she offers us this:

Surrender and abandonment are like a deep, inviting, frightening ocean into which we are drawn. We make excursions into it to test it, to see whether it's safe, to enjoy the sensation of it. But, for all kinds of reasons, we always go back to dry land, to solid ground, to where we are safe. But the ocean beckons us out anew and we risk again being afloat in something bigger than ourselves. And we keep doing that, wading in and then going back to safety, until one day, when we are ready, we just let the waters carry us away.

Each day I still continue to learn how to trust. And most of the time its never been easy. I stored Thomas Merton's prayer in my mobile phone, and I read it in times of confusion, anxiety and fear.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.