Christmas Morn

From a distance I heard a clock radio was playing a tender Christmas tune, and I woke up to another day of infinite wonder and promise. I felt the sun began to shine on my forehead, for a moment I woke up from a dream. It was Christmas morning. I rose up from my bed, sat for a while and keeping alive the r we had last night during the Noche Buena and opening of presents. It was really a happy one. I got up, and went down to the kitchen. No one is awake, perhaps everybody slept late. And so I went upstairs again, and this time I am going to wake up someone. The door was slightly opened, so I slowly entered the door. There I saw this woman gently sleeping. I sat on chair beside her bed. Quietly I watched her sleep. Her hair was like flowing water lying on the pillow case. Her cheek was tenderly kissed by the ray of the sun. Her red lips tenderly closed and her eyelashes are evidently curved as her chinky eyes were still peacefully resting. I found myself looking at her dreaming of new tomorrows with her. She was beautiful. That particular sight forever imprinted in my mind, as it reminds me of what Christmas morning looked like: kind, gentle and serene.

She was a good friend. We were introduced when they have an exposure in our school and different provinces here in the country. I was a bit hesitant to talk to her. Along with other guys who are having a year of service here in the Philippines, I assisted them going to the different offices. She and I had a little chat. For a moment, I felt different for her, in this life, it's a rare gift to find someone you can connect with in every area. It is as if this person is your kindred spirit. We had good laugh together, exchanging friendly banters to each other and most specially, we had really deep conversations. Days passed by, and friendship grew deeper each day. However, there are some realities that held us back. And suddenly, what used to be beautiful and good have to end. We decided to part ways. They say that what love you have failed to give you will lose it forever, and from then on you will just know that the moment had just passed you by. True enough, she had someone new and it was such a bitter pill to swallow.

It wasn’t easy when I was experiencing that. Many of us love to dig back in the past and entertain ourselves with the thought of living it all over again. I know that God does not give us a burden that is beyond our capacity to bear. So I moved on. I moved on with a heavy heart. I moved on and lost everything that I have. There realized that God's ways aren't always easy and painless. Some are meant to open our eyes to what we do not see. Some are meant to make us realize what we stubbornly refuse to understand. Though I lost her, my thoughts continue to be with her, without her knowing that during those days, I continued to pray for her. I prayed that she may have a happy life with her husband, a good family and I prayed that she may be protected from any harm. And for myself, I prayed and hoped that somewhere in His time there will be hope in finding love, joy in sharing it and happiness in being able to keep it forever.

The Christmas, of that year wasn’t been the same. After the Christmas Eve mass I walked alone. I remember that particular Christmas morning. And I tried to hold it in my heart as long as I could. Looking at the Christmas star, I wished that I could go back to that particular time. I remember what my friend told me when I had a counseling session with him. He said “if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you have failed in love. Cry, if you have to but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left you with. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you.” And yes, letting go hurts even worse.

As time passes, the hurts have been healed. The picture of my Christmas morn never faded in my mind. From time to time, I hear myself praying for her for no apparent reasons. Hoping that even my prayers I could talk to her, which could make her feel that there is someone for her that continues to be with her even in spirit. That gives me hope, even though I didn’t end up with her, I still desire the best for her. I believe in the power of prayer. That through prayers you could reach the most distant person, wherever she may be. This is the beginning of always.

No matter how two people being separated by time and distance, if they are meant to each other, no matter the circumstances they will meet again. And you might drop in out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling. Our paths have crossed again, and this time there is no letting go. This time, this will be forever. Last October 26th of this year was the most memorable day of my life when the woman of my dreams and I walked down the aisle, and it was a promise like a reward of persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love, a decision to ignore simply the past and rise above the pain. A covenant which once binds two souls yet severs prior ties. It was a celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For the two us ill be stronger, and love will always be the guiding force in our lives.

To my beautiful and lovely wife, I wonder if you have any idea how many lives you touch. You’re probably not even aware that people have been inspired and hearts have been uplifted because of you. I am not talking about the big, showy things that get written up in the newspapers or make the six o’clock news. I am talking about the little everyday things you do so easily, like a compliment when someone is feeling down, a word of praise that validates somebody’s dream, a smile that seems to say “I accept you just as you are.” It seems that goodness in your heart just spills over and spreads happy feelings to everyone around you. I thank you for the yesterdays and new tomorrows. And I want to let you know, I am one of those people whose life is happier because you are in this world. You are the best thing that ever happened to me in a long time. I love you.

This year, this is our first Christmas as husband and wife. Though we are apart now, I still remember our first Christmas together. I believe that in my dreams that you are here with me celebrating Christmas, and will forever go back to that particular sight forever imprinted in my mind, as it reminds me of what Christmas morning looked like: kind, gentle and serene.

Longing and Waiting

“Advent is the season for waiting, but we need to know what kind of waiting is God is asking from us. Why “waiting”? Our response to God is always one of waiting. It is always he who initiates. We need his grace first. We are at his mercy.” - Fr. Johnny Go, SJ

If we try examine our feelings this time of the year, we somehow encounter the feeling of loneliness, sadness or a little bit melancholic. We can blame it perhaps on the cold weather, the Christmas songs and carols, or even the simple decoration that would remind us about Christmas past. There is indeed a certain kind of longing, whether a person, place, thing or an event. This longing can be described like a restless, consumed by a thirst that cannot be quenched and a fire that will not be stilled. In every cell of our bodies and in the very DNA of our souls we ache for someone or something that we have not yet known, ache in a way that leaves us too dissatisfied and restless to live fully inside our own skins. Our lives always seem too small for us. Moreover, and this is the key, this is God's doing. God is the hand behind this "intolerable shirt of flame.”

I guess it is normal to feel lonely these days. And advent is all about loneliness, but loneliness is a complex thing as we know. What we learn from loneliness is that we are more than any moment in our lives, more than any situation we are in, more than any humiliation we have experienced, more than any rejection we have endured, and more than all the limits within which we find ourselves. Loneliness and longing take us beyond ourselves. I remember in one of our Theo classes, Jesuit theologian Karl Ranher, talked about loneliness like “the only in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable do we know that we are more than the limits of our bodies, our present relationships, our jobs, our achievements, and the concrete situations within which we live, work, and die.”
Loneliness and longing let us touch, through desire, God's ultimate design for us. In our longing, the mystics tell us, we intuit the kingdom of God. What that means is that in our desires we sense the deeper blueprint for things.

Our loneliness and longing are a hunger and an energy that drive us, always, beyond the present moment. In them we do intuit the kingdom of God. Perhaps this is the meaning of it, the time of the year we are longing for someone, for a place, or something. Advent is about getting in touch with our longing. It's about letting our yearnings raise our psychic temperatures so that we are pushed to eventually let down our guard, hope in new ways, and risk intimacy. And at middle of this experience of loneliness, we can do nothing but wait. Wait because there is nothing we can do about this loneliness, it is something greater than us. Wait for Him to ease the loneliness of our hearts, the fill us with His love for us to be complete.

Advent celebrates human longing. It asks us not to deny our longings but to enter them, deepen them, and widen them until we become insane enough for the light so that, like the butterfly, we open ourselves to undergo a metamorphosis.