Don't Know How

I’ve been battling this feeling for a long time now and I pray that it will end soon. It seems that I am slowly exhausting all my resources, and still I have a long way to go. I am doing the best as I could to drive the demon away from within. I don’t know if you ever got up in the morning, after a good sleep you still feel tired. I always try to motivate myself that something good is going to happen, thinking of happy thoughts that are going to be but I don’t want to get frustrated. A friend brother said and asked me once, “I noticed a lot of change, you have lost your zest, and you are not bubbly anymore. Are you tired of life?” I just laugh at it, but at the end of that day I tried to examine myself and asked myself: how could I ever go out of this? Is there life after this? Am I being tired of life?

I know what I am undergoing now, but I don’t know how to go out from it. I know the possibilities and its dynamics but it is far different when I am going through it. I noticed sometimes when people asked me for counseling regarding their own issues and problems I would give really good advice, but I find it difficult when it comes to my own issues and problems. Ang galing-galing ko sa problema ng iba, pero pag sarili kong problema… My image now is that I have found the door to go out, but the key is still missing to be able to open it.

A colleague of mine told me that I am going through a process; I am caught in a certain kind of epoch and I can never see it. Maybe he is right, maybe the reason of why I can’t see it is because I am going through it. It is like driving to point A to point E. what I am seeing is just B, C, D because I am not at the end yet. He further said “go through it… and when you reach the end that is the time to look back and see what it has done to you.” I wish first that I could reach the end. Going through this can be very tiring.

This is only a stage. I am still hanging; I am still here. I wish Icould muster all my strength to go through this one, victoriously. I dream of that day to come. Please pray for me.