Miss of a Great Miss - Cyrano de Bergerac

When I was browsing for a philosophy book that I could use for my paper the other day, I came across with this book “Cyrano de Bergerac”. It was a play written by Edmond Rostand in 1897. I picked the book out from our library shelf, and started browsing through its pages. For one hour I was “browsing” the book, and I cannot put it down. Words and scenes are effectively written that penetrates deeply into one’s heart. Funny how some text could speak whatever we are unable to say.

The story goes: Savinien Cyrano de Bergerac, a cadet (nobleman serving as a soldier) in the French Army, is a brash, strong-willed man of many talents. In addition to being an incredible dualist, he is a remarkable poet and is also shown to be a musician. However, he has an extremely large nose, which is a target for his own self-doubt. This doubt prevents him from expressing his love for his cousin, the beautiful Roxane, as he believes that his ugliness forbids him to "dream of being loved by even an ugly woman" by his nose.

At the same time as he is debating whether or not he should propose his love to her, she comes to see him. In a moment of great dramatic irony, she tells him that she believes she loves Christian, a young cadet in the same regiment as Cyrano. Although disheartened by this chain of events, Cyrano agrees to protect Christian at Roxane's request.

When Cyrano confronts Christian, he sees that Christian too loves Roxane, but is a fool who doesn't know how to talk to women, even though he's a "handsome devil". Desperate to express his love for Roxane, even if it is unrequited. One day Christian states that "I need eloquence, and I have none!" to which Cyrano replies "I'll lend you mine! Lend me your conquering physical charm, and together we'll form a romantic hero!" The two arrange love letters and memorized speeches to attempt to woo Roxane. This culminates in the famous scene where Roxane is on top of a balcony believing she is speaking to Christian, but is speaking to Cyrano pretending to be Christian. Then she wanted to kiss the man who so eloquently said those words of love, but it was Christian who went up the balcony and got the kiss while he, Cyrano looking from afar (and imagine how painful it is for him.)

In a military encampment, Cyrano becomes obsessed with writing love letters to Roxane and crediting them to Christian. However, Roxane, taken by the love letters, arrives with provisions. Roxane tells Christian that she loves him just for his soul, and would love him even if he were ugly. Hearing this, Christian tries to get the resistant Cyrano to tell Roxane about the entire scheme. However, the battle starts and Christian dies before Cyrano can properly inform her. Cyrano's pride and sense of honor preclude him from telling Roxane about the secret of the man who just died.

He visits Roxane, who still mourns for Christian, every Saturday at the cloister where she lives. Cyrano is stricken on the head by firewood thrown from an open window while walking down the street. After being treated by a doctor "acting out of charity", Cyrano gets up out of his bed and leaves to go keep his weekly appointment with Roxane. He asks to read Christian's last letter (which Cyrano, of course, actually wrote), and Roxane gives it to him. It is a moving farewell that Christian supposedly wrote in case of his death in battle. As Cyrano reads it in the dark aloud, Roxane remembers hearing the same voice speaking words of love to her long ago. She turns and sees that Cyrano is reciting the letter from memory, and realizes that not only did he write all of Christian's letters, but that she has actually always loved Cyrano, and he her. Two of Cyrano's best friends, enter, concerned for Cyrano's health, and tell Roxane that Cyrano has "killed himself" by going to visit her. It is then that Cyrano is forced to admit that he is dying from his wound. Roxane now declares that she loves him and begs him not to die. But Cyrano grows delirious, stands up, and imagines that he is fighting a duel with Death himself, saying that it is better to fight in vain. Even at end, he never admitted to Roxane that it was he who wrote those letters, that it was he who loved her so much, fear always forbid him to do so and declaring that the only thing that cannot be taken away from him is his "panache", he falls dead.

It is true that we never really lose in loving; we only lose in holding back. I remember what my teacher asked us what the word "love" really mean. Then we thought of words that is associated with the word "love", and then we came across to this sentence “ to love means to be vulnerable”. We looked up for the meaning of the vulnerable, it came from the Latin word “vulnere” which means to be wounded, to feel pain, hurt. Maybe after all, that is what love all about, to love means to be wounded.

Like in all our experiences of love, most of the time we ended up being wounded. The story reminded me of someone in the past. It was in college when I met her. We belong to a same organization but different college. In one of the seminars we both attended after that we became good friends. But somehow I was taken aback; she was beautiful and thinking like Cyrano, I am not. One day when we had a gathering then I met her friend and told me she wanted to “hi” for me, I asked her friend where is she, and told me the good and shocking news for me “she took a leave, and will return in a month because she joined the Bb. Pilipinas pagent. And there goes my self-esteem. How could I ever talk to her again? Thinking that she would have some suitors better than me, or even would have some suitor more handsome than me, I went away and silently loved her from afar. There was a time when we exchanged some text messages and beeper messages using an alias, afraid that if she knew who really I am, she wouldn’t talk to me. Those were my made up world, I was contented even in those text messages, and from there we became really close. Sending her love quotes, and even poems I wrote for her she became very insistent to meet me and know me. The other side of myself wanted to tell the truth to her, but I was too afraid. Thinking that she would know the truth to whom she was talking to, she would not talk to me again, for I know I am not that handsome compared to those men whom I saw courting her. One day, her best friend who is also my friend in the college told me that there was this guy sending poems and messages to her and she like those messages, it melts her heart reading those things and she wanted to know who he really is because she thinks she was falling for him. Feeling elated, I gathered my strength to tell the truth to her but one day, I saw her holding hands with someone while holding a bouquet of flower in her hands. With that guy, I saw happiness in her face, that time I thought I need to wake up from a dream . Days after that, I did not send text messages to her anymore. I said to myself have to stop. One day, I received a call from her but I did not answer. Asking me who really am I, because she wanted to know… but I refused. I think there was no point, it was letting go of someone who was never mine.

Until now, she doesn’t know who was that person who texted her, who sent poems to her. Until now she doesn’t have any idea of how much she made my life more colorful, and how she brought the best in me. There are some mistakes that happened, it was my mistake that I gave in to fear, living in a life of what might have been because what love we have given we will have it forever, but what love we have failed to give we will lost it for eternity. This was a story of a miss of a great miss.

She is married now; she resides in US with her doctor husband. I saw her picture recently and she is 5 months pregnant. She is happy, and I guess that is all that I wanted for her, seeing her happy even though I am not part of that happiness. I have forgiven myself for not telling her those things and 4 years ago I have moved on. With all honesty I could say that I am happy for her, and also I am happy where I am now. Will I still tell her one day? That question will be unnecessary, and like Cyrano all those things and secrets will have to die with me.