Without Seeing You

We ended our class this semester with Jean Luc Marion by drawing a sketch about what love really is, he said that love is “a visible jubilation of invisibles without any visible objects, yet in balance, though the crossing of aims…”

Two weeks ago, I attended a wake mass for my friend’s grandmother. During the wake, my friend and I talked about death, my own thoughts about death. I remembered my loved ones whom no longer with us today. This summer I lost my Lolo due to complications of diabetes, two years ago I lost my beloved cousin due to Lupus, and a dearly beloved, whom I lost a long time ago.

This reason makes it possible for us to no longer see at our beloved but in a way still seeing her, and being with her. Seeing without seeing, it shows how lovers need not see each other face to face. Graham Greene in his novel “The End of the Affair” shows this kind of love, as Sarah Miles said to Maurice Bendrix "love doesn't end. Just because we don’t see each other... people go on loving God, don’t they? All their life with out seeing Him. I believe there is no other kind." As Antoine de Saint-Exupery said “love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.”

When someone you love dies, what care would you have for all that still is, for all that still exists in Being. As Jean Luc Marion said “what marvel can still be found in the fact that being in general is – when the one you love is no more, and when this itself (the loved one) could not be expressed by the name being? What could be marvelous, wonderful and astounding in the fact that ‘being is in Being’ when the only being that matters is no longer being? When the only meaning is lost forever?”

But I wish to I wish to believe that all is not lost. All cannot be lost, and if we remember what Gabriel Marcel was trying to show us that when we say to a person that "I love you", it is in a way of saying "you will not die." Na kapag tayo ay nagmamahal, at sinasabi natin sa isang tao na "mininamahal kita" ay para na rin nating sinasabi na "hindi ka kailanman mamamatay" We don't stop loving beacause he/she will die in the end. But we love more all reasons in spite of death that may prevent us, because we decided to believe that love is stronger, and it even triumph over death. Love is more powerful than death itself.

As Marion would put it, “our love is invisible to the world, as Being is invisible to the world. It is indifferent to time and space and it even transcends through time and space. This imperceptible love that is seen and shared by two mortal beings that transcends their finitude and surpasses over death, it passes over to the real invisible real of the infinite, where we both only hope in an infinite and Invisible God who will sustain this love. And this is why we can love in faith and hope: faith in a God who will receive our love, and hope in him that he will not fail us.

What does this loving without seeing our loved one means? To further describe this one, Thornton Wilder in “The Bridge of San Luis Rey” said: but soon we shall die and all memory (of those we love) will have left the earth and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and then forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love, there is a land of living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.

Greater End

(written October 15, 2005)

It has been three years since I saw you Malaika and I still have the letter you gave me. Your “pabaon” as you said, before I took the unfamiliar and uncertain path of being a religious. I always remember those times when I turn to you Malaika whenever I need words of encouragement to go on. You would always open the Bible for me, and look for something that would suit my situation. In your last letter you cited a passage from the book of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have in mind in you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.” And I repeated that to myself over and over again until I felt peace. I know we shared a different kind of closeness, that through our prayers we meet each other. Even though we have different beliefs, we are united in one faith that Christ is our personal friend and savior. I only realized now that you are one of the persons who influenced me to follow the call of God to love and serve Him. Lalai, you are a source of strength for me. Now, after three long years I have the chance to meet you again.

I know that I never had the chance to talk to you since then. Two years in our novitiate would mean two years of isolation from the family. No mobile phones, no emails, not even a telephone call which is our sole mode of communication. You became busy with your work as a nurse and as a medical volunteer for your Church. I too, became very busy with studies and apostolate work. But now, I set aside this time to meet you. While I was traveling to come here a while ago, my heart leapt upon every thought of you. I tried to relish our memories together as long as I could - our endless conversation on the phone, our singing, our laughter, and our stories of personal faith in Jesus. I can’t wait to tell my own story to you now, to tell you about my work and apostolate, my present preoccupations, and even the difficulties and problems I am experiencing now. And here I go again, turning to you in time of uncertainty because you always have soothing words to say.

As soon as I alighted from the jeepney, the gates of this garden waken me to the present reality and memories of what happened last year flashed suddenly. The wind quietly blew as the trees heartrendingly swayed. Silence enclosed the whole place. My knees were shaking as I walked through this freshly cut lawn and the grass was greener that time. I went towards where you are, and I felt that you are walking with me. Your presence is very palpable.

It was last year when my Mom broke the silence while we were having our lunch. She told me you were suffering from Lupus or SLE and you hid it to your family because you did not want them to worry about your true condition. As it turned out to be severe, mom said that they were going to visit you. She even invited me to come, but I said no. I am sorry because those times I have a lot of work to do. I know it was such a lame explanation but I promised my mom that I would visit you on the following week after I finished all my work.

But days became weeks, and I delayed my scheduled visit to you. One Friday morning of October last year, I felt suddenly the desire to see you. I went out hurriedly to fulfill my promise to you. I knew you were too weak to talk as Mom told me; I wanted to go there to be with you, even without uttering any words. Our presence could mean a lot of comfort for the both of us. However, as soon as I arrived to your house, Tita was in tears and she told me that you were rushed to the hospital an hour ago because you had difficulty in breathing. That moment I hurriedly went to the hospital to see you. On my way, it felt very odd; I prayed like I never done before, I burned the lines to heaven and beg God for you. I said to Him repeatedly, “I hope nothing wrong happened to her. Please God…let her live”. I arrived 3:30pm at the hospital. I saw your sister; she was crying and told me what happened. I walked slowly and trembling as I prayed “please God, I am afraid of what is going to happen. Please, God… take away this fear”. I went inside the emergency room and I cannot believe what I saw - your eyes covered by clean white gauge and your body swollen because of the medicine you religiously took. A small note was written in a piece of cardboard beside your feet. It said that you expired at 2:30pm, and I was an hour too late.

I walked slowly towards a pink rose that was placed in a small clay pot. The trees swayed gently as the clouds covered the heat of the sun. Silence pervaded the whole place. I stood there alone in front of an epitaph which reads “The end is greater than my beginning: Malaika B. Mendoza” and tears flowed down to my cheeks, as I pulled out of my wallet a piece of paper, and tried to read again your letter that you gave me before I entered the novitiate. “I know you have lots of fears, but as long as you have the Lord you are in good hands… my prayers are with you. Remember that God has a unique and special purpose in your life, even though you sometimes find it hard to understand. Go on Ryan, He loves you so much and you can’t do anything to make you love you more. You have to realize who are you and who is Christ in you. – God’s property, Ate Laika.” I knelt down and prayed because I know you could hear me now, more than ever, my dearest cousin.

After three years we meet again Lalai, but this time I fully understand the things you said to me. Thank you for being a great cousin. Many people adored you; and you touched their lives with your actions and words. Thank you for the gift of your life. It never failed to inspire all of us. Thank you for being a witness of that personal love of Christ that you relentlessly shared with us. I could never deny the fact that I will miss you. I will miss those times we shared. I will miss your encouraging voice that can allay the gravity of my troubles. I will miss those times when we laugh together, play together, dream together and pray together. I will miss your person that never fails to bring smile to everyone you meet. The path that we both chosen asks us to touch the lives of those countless and nameless souls we met along our journey. While for the people whom we love, we simply entrust them to God. I just want to say that I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most, the time when you looked for me and I was not there. This is one thing that I regret, but you told me to go on. And your life will be my inspiration as I continue walking in this restless road. For the faith you have shown me, that is, to place my life in God’s hands, will be my strength. Your unfailing trust in Him gave me hope even without knowing where it will take me. Your love for Christ has given me courage to surrender to His will even without knowing why these things happen. And I will forever hold on to that.

Rest well Lalai, you have ran a good race and fought a good fight. You have done your mission here on earth. You have fulfilled the task that God has given you. You have proven well that you are worthy to be at His side. You are with him right now, no more pain; no more medicines that you have to take, no more sadness, and no more worries. With Him, I know you are secure and perfectly happy. This is the fullness of our happiness, to be with our friend, our Lord and savior. As for me, I will continue the fight you have began; to give hope to those who are in despair, to give light for those in darkness and to be a witness to that love that God has shown the both of us. This is our personal gospel, and I will gladly proclaim it to the whole world, for I witnessed His love through you. At the end of the day, Lalai I am certain that we will meet again. And I can not wait for that day to happen, when the gates of heaven open and you will be one of those people who will welcome me into the kingdom.

And when the moment comes for my final “passage”, may the Lord grant me the grace to meet it like you did Lalai, with serene spirit and without regrets for what I will leave behind. For to meet Him, after having sought Him for a very long time, will mean finding again every authentic value I have experienced here on earth, with Him and those who have gone before me under the sign of faith and hope.

Malaika B. Mendoza

October 18, 1977 - October 15, 2004

Saan Nakakabili ng Spark?

(sulat sa akin ng isang kaibigan, may tinatanong siya... pero hindi ko rin kayang sagutin. Nakakatawa lang, kaya nagpasiya akong ilathala)

Saan nakakabili ng spark? Iyan ang tanong sa akin ni Jenny, isang kaibigan. May umaaligid daw kasi sa kanya na matinong lalake, kaya lang, wala siyang maramdamang spark. Kaya nagtatanong siya kung saan nakakabili ng spark.

Hindi ko alam ang sagot. Kung alam ko lang, eh di sana matagal na akong pumila para mamakyaw. Kailangan ko rin ng spark. Maraming-maraming spark.

Ano ba ang spark? Ito iyong kuryente na nararamdaman mo kapag kasama mo ang isang tao. Iyong nanlalambot ang tuhod mo. Iyong parang nauutal ka at ayaw gumana ng motor skills mo. Iyong kahit na anong gawin at sabihin niya, o kahit wala siyang ginagawa o sinasabi, kinikilig ka na. Kung hindi mo naman siya kasama, nangingiti ka kapag naiisip mo siya.

Ang tawag dun, spark. Magic. Kilig. Kuryente.

At iyon din ang hinahanap ko ngayon.

Sabi ni Jenny, may isang lalaking may gusto sa kanya. Mabait siya. May hitsura. Matino. Stable. Mature. May napatunayan na sa buhay. Maalalahanin. May konting sense of humor. At alam niya, aalagaan niya siya. Siya iyong lalaking iuuwi mo sa nanay mo at alam mong magiging mabuting asawa at tatay ng mga anak mo.

Pero wala siyang maramdamang kilig. Walang magic.

Lagi niyang sinasabi, He's good on paper, pero walang spark. Kahit kiskisan niya man ng bato, wala talaga!

Sabi ng ilan sa mga kaibigan ko, hindi na daw importante ang spark. Hindi daw ito tiket para sa isang masaya at tumatagal na relasyon. Maraming factors ang dapat i-consider, hindi lang spark.

Aanhin mo ang spark kung lagi naman kayong nag- aaway? Aanhin mo ang spark kung hindi naman kayo nagkakasundo sa mga bagay- bagay? Kung hindi naman siya puwedeng mag-commit? Kung alam mo naman na masama siya para sa iyo?

Noong huling usap namin ni Jenny, sabi niya, baka daw bigyan na niya ng chance iyong manliligaw niya, kahit wala siyang maramdamang spark.

Pati tuloy ako, napapaisip na rin. Pag ako nasa kalayagan ni Jenny, itutuloy ko ba kahit na walang spark? Magiging masaya kaya kami, kahit na hindi ako kinikilig sa kanya? Importante ba talaga ang magic sa isang relasyon?

Baka naman nasa atin lang ang problema, dagdag ni Jenny.

Mali nga ba ako kung maghanap man tayo ng spark sa isang relasyon? Pang teenager na nga lang ba iyong nanlalambot ang tuhod chuva at kapag nasa 20s ka na ay nakakasuka na ang humangad ng kilig?

Siguro nga masyado na tayong matanda para maghanap ng babae o lalaking magbibigay sa atin ng kilig dahil hindi naman kami mabubusog doon at hindi rin puwedeng pambayad ng tuition ng magiging anak namin ang spark.

But we are also old enough to know what we want in a guy or girl and having that kilig feeling is one of them. At para sa akin, ang pakikipag-relasyon sa isang taong walang spark, ay maitutumbas na rin sa pagse-settle.

At ayokong mag-settle.

Pero di kailangang nawawalan ng pag-asa. Malay mo ngayon, walang spark. Pero eventually, sa tamang panahon, baka magka-spark na. Kung paano, hindi ko alam...

Meron kayang binebentang spark sa pinakamalapit na Mercury Drug o Mini-Stop? Saan nga ba nakakabili ng spark?

Remembering Still How the Bright Blue Eagles Fly

"All you Eagles, all you Tigers bless the Lord! Praise and exult him above all forever!" adopted from Daniel 3.

Congratulations to the UST Tigers for winning the UAAP Championship!

Even so, congratulations to the Ateneo Blue Eagles for putting up a good fight as in the words of St. Paul: "we have fought the good fight, we have finished the race, and we have kept the faith." (2 Timothy 4:7)

I am a Thomasian, but having stayed here in the Ateneo for more than 4 years now (more than my years of stay in UST) makes me more an Atenean I guess. When I was singing the words "win or lose, its the school we choose" after we lost the championship game I told myself that I already made a choice and I have no regrets. To my friends in UST you may not understand this, and I can't blame you. I am not turning my back on all of you. I am forever grateful to UST for making who I am now. Moreover, it was here in the Ateneo that made me realize that I am more than what I think. It was here in the Ateneo that allowed me to stand up after a bad fall with cura personalis. It was here where I have learned doing Magis for God and country. It was here in the Ateneo that I have learned to face myself, my weaknesses my strengths; and despite of all of my flaws, it was here were I felt I am accepted.

Despite the loss, I remember the season that was. Cheering for the Blue and White through joys and tears. Remembering how we started the season with an 8-0 card. The clutch shooting of Chris in dying seconds, the unforgettable under-goal stab by Doug, the running shots of Jai, the quick plays of Macky, the gustiness of Eman, and power dunks and fastbreaks of JC. And of course the magical plays of Coach Norman. All this made this season more memorable. This is the team who displayed courage and strength amidst adversaries, a team displayed what hope really means and clinging to the One up above. This is my Hail Mary team, this is our team.

When the final buzzer sounded, I knew it was the end. UST was in boisterous jubilation, while we at the Ateneo gallery were silent. I saw some of the Ateneo fans cried, the players covered thier faces with towels, and most of us are in a state of shock. But despite of the defeat, the Ateneans showed composure. It was a game, there is a winner and a loser. Even though we lost, most of us stayed. We stayed because we know that we fought a good fight. We are proud of the Ateneo team for showing heart and passion not only for the game for but for the school, a fighting heart the will never be defeated, this is what we call the triumph of the human spirit. Forever, they will be champions. As we sang theschool hymn, I felt the words came alive and I think it’s even more truer the morning after. I am proud to say that we have kept the faith. For you Mary... just for you!

Song for Mary

We stand on a hill
Between the earth and sky
Now all is still
Where Loyola’s colors fly

Our course is run
And the setting sun
Ends Ateneo's Day
Eyes are dry
At the last goodbye
This is the Ateneo Way

Mary for you
For your white and blue
We pray you'll keep us Mary
Constantly true
We pray you'll keep us Mary
Faithful to you

Down from the hill
Down to the world go I
Remembering still
How the bright blue eagles fly

Through joy and tears
Through the laughing years
We sing our battle song
Win or Lose
It's the school we choose
This is the place where we belong

Mary for you
For your white and blue
We pray you'll keep us Mary
Constantly true
We pray you'll keep us Mary
Faithful to you

THANK YOU BLUE EAGLES. GO ATENEO! ONE BIG FIGHT!

Find ing God in All Things, In All Places and in Everyone

October 4, Feast of St. Francis of Assisi

I love St. Francis of Assisi.

As a kid, I used to admire him all my life. Plus the fact that I was raised by a Franciscan-Capuchin school. Whenever the month of October comes, there is the usual contest about St. Francis. And I used to join every contest about St. Francis of Assisi namely: essay writing, drawing contest, quiz bee about the life of St. Francis. Luckily, I haven’t won in any of those events (name it, I lose it.)

But even if he has been my idol for my whole life, I’ve live long enough on this planet to realize how different my life from his.

One of my favorite stories of Francis was when he was walking through a filed of flowers and he ended up screaming, “stop talking to me! Stop talking to me!” He later explained that he was so overwhelmed by what each flower was declaring to him: “God made us bloom because He knew that you were going to pass by.

Wow.
I mean, Woooowwwwwwwww!

When I walk through a filed of flowers, all I end up screaming is, “stop giving me allergies!” and about seventeen haaaaachooos per minute.

St. Francis was the same guy who called everything brother and sister. I don’t mind calling the sun as “brother sun” and the moon as “sister moon”. But I think calling rats as “brother mice” and roaches as “sister cockroaches” is a little bit too far. I just squash those crawling things without any permission from God.

St. Francis was also the man who kissed lepers and embraced them. Simply because he saw God in them. Honestly, the first time I met a leper at Tala Leprosarium when I was working as a student volunteer for a day, I didn’t know whether to wave “hi!” or pretend I was a Japanese and clasp my hands in my chest and give them a reverent bow – just so that I wouldn’t touch them.

Today we celebrate the Feast of St. Francis of Assisi, the founder of the Franciscan order. He was a man of vision, man of faith and a man of God. He values the virtue of humility, poverty, generosity, and simplicity. He went out to preach the word of God to all people. In our Gospel today, Jesus reproaches to unrepentant towns, and a call of repentance that is part of the proclamation of the kingdom that brings it with severe judgment for those who hear and rejected it. Francis heard the call from the God and kept it in his heart. He found God in the beggar that asked for alms; when his conscience talked to him and went out again to seek the beggar and gave him money. He set aside his desire to become a soldier, and in a dream he heard the call of God to follow his footsteps and carry his cross. He saw God in an unfinished church where a cross talked to him (it was the cross of St. Damien) and said “come build my church, its failing into ruin.” He heard the call of God and kept it inside his heart and goes forth to spread the good news, share the love of Christ and lift up high the cross of Christ. He went out and sell everything that he had. He went out and begged for alms and for food. He followed God regardless of the humiliations, of what other people may think. He followed God amidst of the oppositions from his family and his peers. He followed God despite of pain and suffering that he has faced. In the end, he received a gift from God, a very beautiful gift: the wounds of Christ or the stigmata.

You and I need lesson from St. Francis of Assisi who saw God in every place, in everything and in everyone.

I am learning. I remember one day when I was in college, after giving a talk to a quite large number of Freshmen College at UST for their recollection, and that I thought it is extraordinarily inspiring, I stepped off the stage feeling very proud of myself. I was immediately greeted by a female participant and expecting the usual praise like, “your words blessed me so much!” or “you were terrific!” I bent down towards her so that I can hear the adulation above deafening applause. Her words had an impact.

She said solemnly, “your zipper is open.”

After overcoming my desire to die that instant and after mentally selecting what remote island I could hide for few hundred years, I begin to laugh. Because I saw God in that situation. I may had missed speaking to me in the field of lowers , I may not had seen Him in rats and roaches (well, I still don’t), and I may had miss him in the first time I met a leper (I embrace them now!) but I didn’t miss Him in that humiliating experience. He was telling me, “You’re just my mouthpiece, kid. Humble yourself and loosen up.” Oh yes, I believe that God wants me to zip up too.

We need to learn that every situation is a window where one can see the workings of heaven. And everything is a self-donation to God, an explosion of His love that cannot be contained. And every person is sacred, bursting with His presence, His wisdom, His beauty.

St. Francis of Assisi, pray for us.

Guardian Angels

Perhaps no aspect of Catholic piety is as comforting to parents as the belief that an angel protects their little ones from dangers real and imagined the concept of an angel assigned to guide and nurture each human being is a development of Catholic doctrine and piety based on Scripture but not directly drawn from it. Jesus' words in Matthew 18:10 best support the belief: "See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father." Their role is to represent individuals before God, to watch over them always, to aid their prayer and to present their souls to God at death.

The concept of an unseen companion has given rise to many childish titters about leaving room for an angel in a crowded seat and teacher-induced terrors about the danger of sudden death for a child who fails to honor the angel with prayer. When we were kids, we are taught of this concept, of creatures that have wings and fly in through the heaven, bringing our prayer (or maybe) whispering them to God. Enough reason why the Ateneo Grade school celebrate it with a big celebration, for the little ones guardian angels are real, but as grown ups now we don’t easily buy that idea of unseen angels creatures that is always with us, even when we go to the CR or take a bath. For we have a different idea of angels, like in the Movie City of Angels and choose mortality in order to pursue the joys of a relationship, or even in the movie Constantine whereas Gabriel turned to the dark side, and Lucifer was like among us dressed in white.

Yet guardian angels are not just for children. I remember what my second grade teacher told me, that we don’t need to prove that guardian angels are creatures that we cannot see, but guardian angels are always among us. In a way she said that we are guardian angels to one another. And perhaps this is what this feast is telling us that we may be guardian angels to one another, we may not have halos or even wings but we can be guardian angels to one another in so many ways. By taking care of one another, correcting each other in the spirit of love, concern and compassion to one another. We can even show it in the little things that we do in the most ordinary way. Guardian angles need no halo or wings; they only need love, concern and compassion to the person whom they guide. Be a guardian angel to one another. For this devotion to the angels is, at base, an expression of faith in God's enduring love and providential care extended to each person day in and day out until life's end.

The Feast of the Guardian Angels provides us with the opportunity to appreciate the infinite goodness of God. In His love and Divine Wisdom, the Lord has provided each and every one of us with a special angel to attend to our physical and spiritual need to secure our salvation through faith in Jesus and the Sacrament of Baptism. Today, let us remember our Guardian Angels. Let us thank the Lord for this spiritual gift. Let us thank our individual angels for their protection and leadership, asking them to always remind us of their presence so we may walk in harmony with them towards the Heavenly Kingdom of God.