Greater End

(written October 15, 2005)

It has been three years since I saw you Malaika and I still have the letter you gave me. Your “pabaon” as you said, before I took the unfamiliar and uncertain path of being a religious. I always remember those times when I turn to you Malaika whenever I need words of encouragement to go on. You would always open the Bible for me, and look for something that would suit my situation. In your last letter you cited a passage from the book of Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have in mind in you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.” And I repeated that to myself over and over again until I felt peace. I know we shared a different kind of closeness, that through our prayers we meet each other. Even though we have different beliefs, we are united in one faith that Christ is our personal friend and savior. I only realized now that you are one of the persons who influenced me to follow the call of God to love and serve Him. Lalai, you are a source of strength for me. Now, after three long years I have the chance to meet you again.

I know that I never had the chance to talk to you since then. Two years in our novitiate would mean two years of isolation from the family. No mobile phones, no emails, not even a telephone call which is our sole mode of communication. You became busy with your work as a nurse and as a medical volunteer for your Church. I too, became very busy with studies and apostolate work. But now, I set aside this time to meet you. While I was traveling to come here a while ago, my heart leapt upon every thought of you. I tried to relish our memories together as long as I could - our endless conversation on the phone, our singing, our laughter, and our stories of personal faith in Jesus. I can’t wait to tell my own story to you now, to tell you about my work and apostolate, my present preoccupations, and even the difficulties and problems I am experiencing now. And here I go again, turning to you in time of uncertainty because you always have soothing words to say.

As soon as I alighted from the jeepney, the gates of this garden waken me to the present reality and memories of what happened last year flashed suddenly. The wind quietly blew as the trees heartrendingly swayed. Silence enclosed the whole place. My knees were shaking as I walked through this freshly cut lawn and the grass was greener that time. I went towards where you are, and I felt that you are walking with me. Your presence is very palpable.

It was last year when my Mom broke the silence while we were having our lunch. She told me you were suffering from Lupus or SLE and you hid it to your family because you did not want them to worry about your true condition. As it turned out to be severe, mom said that they were going to visit you. She even invited me to come, but I said no. I am sorry because those times I have a lot of work to do. I know it was such a lame explanation but I promised my mom that I would visit you on the following week after I finished all my work.

But days became weeks, and I delayed my scheduled visit to you. One Friday morning of October last year, I felt suddenly the desire to see you. I went out hurriedly to fulfill my promise to you. I knew you were too weak to talk as Mom told me; I wanted to go there to be with you, even without uttering any words. Our presence could mean a lot of comfort for the both of us. However, as soon as I arrived to your house, Tita was in tears and she told me that you were rushed to the hospital an hour ago because you had difficulty in breathing. That moment I hurriedly went to the hospital to see you. On my way, it felt very odd; I prayed like I never done before, I burned the lines to heaven and beg God for you. I said to Him repeatedly, “I hope nothing wrong happened to her. Please God…let her live”. I arrived 3:30pm at the hospital. I saw your sister; she was crying and told me what happened. I walked slowly and trembling as I prayed “please God, I am afraid of what is going to happen. Please, God… take away this fear”. I went inside the emergency room and I cannot believe what I saw - your eyes covered by clean white gauge and your body swollen because of the medicine you religiously took. A small note was written in a piece of cardboard beside your feet. It said that you expired at 2:30pm, and I was an hour too late.

I walked slowly towards a pink rose that was placed in a small clay pot. The trees swayed gently as the clouds covered the heat of the sun. Silence pervaded the whole place. I stood there alone in front of an epitaph which reads “The end is greater than my beginning: Malaika B. Mendoza” and tears flowed down to my cheeks, as I pulled out of my wallet a piece of paper, and tried to read again your letter that you gave me before I entered the novitiate. “I know you have lots of fears, but as long as you have the Lord you are in good hands… my prayers are with you. Remember that God has a unique and special purpose in your life, even though you sometimes find it hard to understand. Go on Ryan, He loves you so much and you can’t do anything to make you love you more. You have to realize who are you and who is Christ in you. – God’s property, Ate Laika.” I knelt down and prayed because I know you could hear me now, more than ever, my dearest cousin.

After three years we meet again Lalai, but this time I fully understand the things you said to me. Thank you for being a great cousin. Many people adored you; and you touched their lives with your actions and words. Thank you for the gift of your life. It never failed to inspire all of us. Thank you for being a witness of that personal love of Christ that you relentlessly shared with us. I could never deny the fact that I will miss you. I will miss those times we shared. I will miss your encouraging voice that can allay the gravity of my troubles. I will miss those times when we laugh together, play together, dream together and pray together. I will miss your person that never fails to bring smile to everyone you meet. The path that we both chosen asks us to touch the lives of those countless and nameless souls we met along our journey. While for the people whom we love, we simply entrust them to God. I just want to say that I am sorry for not being there when you needed me most, the time when you looked for me and I was not there. This is one thing that I regret, but you told me to go on. And your life will be my inspiration as I continue walking in this restless road. For the faith you have shown me, that is, to place my life in God’s hands, will be my strength. Your unfailing trust in Him gave me hope even without knowing where it will take me. Your love for Christ has given me courage to surrender to His will even without knowing why these things happen. And I will forever hold on to that.

Rest well Lalai, you have ran a good race and fought a good fight. You have done your mission here on earth. You have fulfilled the task that God has given you. You have proven well that you are worthy to be at His side. You are with him right now, no more pain; no more medicines that you have to take, no more sadness, and no more worries. With Him, I know you are secure and perfectly happy. This is the fullness of our happiness, to be with our friend, our Lord and savior. As for me, I will continue the fight you have began; to give hope to those who are in despair, to give light for those in darkness and to be a witness to that love that God has shown the both of us. This is our personal gospel, and I will gladly proclaim it to the whole world, for I witnessed His love through you. At the end of the day, Lalai I am certain that we will meet again. And I can not wait for that day to happen, when the gates of heaven open and you will be one of those people who will welcome me into the kingdom.

And when the moment comes for my final “passage”, may the Lord grant me the grace to meet it like you did Lalai, with serene spirit and without regrets for what I will leave behind. For to meet Him, after having sought Him for a very long time, will mean finding again every authentic value I have experienced here on earth, with Him and those who have gone before me under the sign of faith and hope.

Malaika B. Mendoza

October 18, 1977 - October 15, 2004