My First Children's Book

the original title of this one was "A Special Star", written for a Christmas writing competition in 2004 and won 3rd Place for best short story in english.

Hours before Christmas, Marie was lying on her bed and staring at the window. She was holding a locket strung around her neck. She treasured her necklace so much, it was her only possession.

Marie’s longing to celebrate Christmas that night grew stronger. She was an orphan.

She remembered what her mother used to say to her about stars, that some special stars made wishes come true. There was something really important she wanted to wish for, but it seemed to be impossible. But whenever she remembered her mother’s voice, she also realized that she has not given up her dream to find that special star.

But it seemed that she cannot find one. Every night she looked up to the sky hoping to see that special star. She scanned every corner of the sky, though she had no idea what it looked like. For her, all stars looked the same. But she patiently waited and watched the sky for that special star to pass by.

Marie was actually a very sick girl. That night she was so ill that she could not even stand up and walk. She could only stare at the window and the Christmas tree beside the infirmary door. It had colorful tinsels, bells, plastic red poinsettia and colorful Christmas Lights. But what really captured her eyes was the shining star at the top of the Christmas tree, as if it was lighting the Belen under the tree.

Marie was still feeling sad and sick. She held tightly her locket strung around her neck. Nurse Nina looked on her and smiled. After she drank her medicine she asked

“Ate Nina, is there such thing as a special star?” Marie asked.

“Hmmm… what do you mean?” Nurse Nina smiled.

“A star… a special star that could make wishes come true?”

“Ahhh… is that what you want? Yes, I believe there is!” Nurse Nina winked at Marie.

“Could you tell me more about that special star?”

Nurse Nina pulled a chair and placed it beside Marie’s bed. Both of them looked at the Christmas tree.

“See that star at the top of the Christmas tree? That is one special star. A long time ago, three magi wished to see the true King. When they saw that star, they made a wish to bring them to the true King. And they followed that special star. And true enough, that led them to a manger where a child was sleeping on her mother’s lap.”

“Just like the child under the Christmas tree?”

“Yes, that special star guided the three magi who lost their way and found the true King.” Nurse Nina brushed Marie’s hair gently.

Marie wanted to listen to lively songs of the children carolers outside. Nurse Nina set up her bed near the window.

“Get well soon, sleep tight.” She tucked Marie then she kissed Marie on the forehead and said goodbye.

An hour past, then suddenly there was silence. While she was lying in her bed, there was a bright shining glitter in the sky. It was the first and the brightest star she had ever seen in her life. A tear dropped in Marie’s eyes as she watched that bright shining star.

“I don’t know if you are the one I am looking for… but I hope you could grant my wish…” she opened her locket and saw the picture of her mother whom she hadn’t seen for a long time. Then she took a deep breath and made her wish.

“I wish to see and embrace my mother again.”

She closed her eyes and she felt that the bright star in the sky grew even brighter as she completed her wish. She finally fell asleep. In her sleep she dreamt of the most wonderful dream in her entire life. She saw her mother again, after that fateful night when their house was washed away by a storm. She dreamt her mother was embracing her and singing her to sleep.
When she woke up the next day she felt suddenly well. Then she saw smiling and glowing faces around her. And she noticed the many gifts under the Christmas tree. It was Christmas morning. All the kids in the orphanage went to visit Marie.

“Merry Christmas!” all the children exclaimed.

The Children lined up to receive their presents. Nurse Nina was distributing the gifts. Marie was the last one to receive a gift. Nurse Nina gave a tiny little box wrapped in a colorful lace.

“Merry Christmas Marie!” Nurse Nina smiled at Marie

Marie opened her gift, and to her surprise it was a small silver star pendant. She saw Nurse Nina wink at her.

In her memory she kept her mother’s sweet smile glowing warmly and brightly. That memory she promised to keep forever, for a special star made her wish come true one Christmas Eve.

You Who Never Arrived

(adopted from an Italian poem)

You who never arrived
in my arms, who were lost
from the start.
I don’t even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me – the far off, deeply felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and
unsuspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were
once pulsing with the life of the gods –
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a county house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me. Streets that I
chanced upon –
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and startled,
gave back
my too sudden image. Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through the both of us,
yesterday, separate, in the evening.

Without A Reason

In this world, every person is searching for a reason. It’s the unquenchable thirst to find a grounding and meaning to all things that is happening. Leibniz in his Theoria motus abstracti, he mentioned this principle of reason: Nihil est sine ratione that means “nothing is without a reason.” Inversely, this principium rationis would say that everything has its own reason. Everything that exist, that is, would have a reason for its existence, for its being. For to have reason is to have that certain ground, that certain control over things. Heidegger further explains this fact when he said in Principium Reddendae Rationis that nothing happens, that means nothings becomes into being without a reason or nihil fit sine causa. This happens in cognition, when 'why' does what is cognized exist, and why it is the way it is. “Why?” for we ask for reason and intelligibility, for this is to show our powers, that means it would then be proven that nothing indeed is without reason.

“Nothing is without a why”, if we hold on to this principle try to observe a children playing and ask ourselves, does the child that plays have a ground/reason for its playing? The child never asks itself why he/she plays. He/she just play, and also as long as it is possible and notice the smile and delight of a child when he/she plays.

Meister Eckhart a Dominican Friar had this idea to live without any reason or purpose. He said:

The rose is without why, it blooms because it blooms,
It pays no attention to itself, asks not whether it is seen.

The rose “blooms because it blooms”, it blooms without a reason, without a why. It just happens, and its beauty is unfolded to us. And “it pays no attention to itself” it does not care if someone notices and praises its beauty or if the one who is looking explains its blooming. “It asks not whether it is seen” because it will still bloom, even with our without someone gazing at it. Eckhart when asked about his own living he answered “I don’t know, but I am happy to live.” His childlike answer amazes me for it brings about to him the simplicity and greatest happiness that a man could attain.

We grown ups put so much emphasis on time, as my friend said “it’s the culprit for order, schedules and priorities”; yet for a small child, there is no time. Time passes when they play because it stops or suspends time, there endless play. But we stop the absurd and supposedly endless play because we insist that discipline, order and priorities be instilled in the child.

One needs to see the joy, delight and smile in a child’s eyes and witness to a mystery that unfolds. A knowing smile that knows something no one else knows, a smile that hides a joy that can never be taken away form it. For a child, like the mystic and the rose, hides a secret that we can never ever know.

The Height of Forgiveness

What does it mean to forgive?

Every time I pray the Lord’s Prayer, one line strikes me: “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sinned against us.” How about those offended by these action, how do they forgive? Is it a condition that is asked for all of us? Do we really forgive someone who does not ask for it? Do we – the one who forgives – have to take the initiative, or the person on the other side? Do we have to forgive, whatever the cost? According to some, we are not obliged to do anything. But can one really forgive? I don't know. Who will tell a father of a lady that was raped and killed; and that he must forgive the man who murdered his daughter?

With this, the notion of forgiveness becomes more and more alive and difficult for me, not only the word (what does it really mean, forgiveness?), but especially the deed (how do you do that, forgive someone?). It opened up so many questions inside my head: is forgiveness the same as being able to understand what someone did (wrong)? Is forgiveness excusing someone? Is forgiveness not taking things too seriously? Is forgiveness continuing as if nothing happened? Is forgiveness giving someone a chance to go on living in spite of what happened?

Paul Ricoeur in “History, Memory and Forgetting”, talks about the phenomenology of fallible and culpable human person that ends with the phenomenology of capable human being. Paul Ricoeur disputes that pardon may release a historical past into a different and more independent future. For true forgiveness does not come from blind forgetfulness or amnesia, but from a remembering that is ready to forgive the past by setting it free from deterministic throttlehold of violent obsession and retribution True forgiveness, as Ricoeur noticed, involves not forgetting of the events themselves but a different way of portentous a debt to the self that paralyzes memory, and by implication of our memory, our capacity to make a better tomorrow. The proper task of forgiveness is not to eradicate the memory of the mistakes or sin. It is rather to remember them, so as to dissolve the mistake or sin that they have accumulated. Forgiveness is some sort of healing of memory, the conclusion of this mourning period. Delivered from the weight of mistake or sin, memory is freed for great things. Forgiveness gives memory a future, this Ricoeur claims accordingly that it is not a contradiction to say that forgiveness is the strict consequence of forgiving memory even as it is the strict contrary repetition of memory.

Our own experience of human fault, some people make these faults as measure of one’s individuality. Most of the people remember those faults and brand you with it. They will only see the blunders that you have done, the mistakes that you have made, and sometimes they will look at you with regards to those mistakes you have done. For some who have done great and good deeds for all their lives, but a mistake/fault will erase every good deed that you have done. They will look up to you and judge you for that one mistake. These faults are wounds of our inner being, conflicts, sufferings, without any imaginable alleviation and these evil are beyond description misfortune for those who suffer from them.[1] This is the axis of “vertical disparity” with fault and forgiveness. Fault are always imputed to someone, the radical nature of experience of fault requires us to imprison ourselves within the limits of the self-attribution of fault, to sketch out this level the conditions for a common recognition of a fundamental guilt.[2] This feeling of guilt has something to do with remembering, inasmuch remembering a power of connection capable of engendering history is confirmed

For some, our fault determines their being in this world and it is this perspective that created the mess that all humankind are in, also it has destroyed so much of ourselves and our world. This fault sometimes traps the human person, stereotyped and boxed that he can no longer do anything good. And to make matters worse, some persons will give in to despair that “I am no good.” This view paralyzes the human person and traps him inside the box that he himself built upon. We gave life to the spirit of negativity, pessimism and divisiveness in our country and succeeded in convincing ourselves that we are hopeless. And this does not restore human dignity, it destroys friendship, it poisons the spirit, and it kills hope. This is the idea of irremediable fall, a radical powerlessness over fault and guilt. It ruptures human bond and become malevolence of the guilty person. His actions become irreparable and unpardonable on the side of moral judgment present themselves.[3] From this, we may ask the question: can forgiveness be possible? However, why would someone turn us down, especially if he or she saw that we were sincere in our remorse? Perhaps because when we have been sinned against, through a cruel or thoughtless action or verbal attack — we feel the pain too deeply to let it go. It seems too easy, and at the same time incredibly difficult and simply say, “I forgive you” and let the matter be over.

At this descent into the depths of human frailty we are trapped with the word “unforgivable” and with its immensity of misfortune that crushes its victims.[4] However, there is victory over evil on moral plane, but without abolishing fault.[5] It is like understanding the offender but cannot pardon him, in this case the fault is seen in its essence as unforgivable in contrast with the right. Then, there is forgiveness. It is announcing forgiveness in a silent voice but not in a mute one. Silent because there is no clamor of rage; not mute because it is not deprived of speech.[6] Simply a proclamation of there is, like the voice from above. Like the “est gibt” (it is given/ a gift) a gift freely given by itself and in itself. To decide to accept the gift, this means to carry the gift’s weight: to reorganize one’s self so as, to balance the weight of the gift with the overjoyed but weightless ego. To gaze at its spectacle even if it may be too much for one’s eyes to behold; and to finally take it as one’s own – to take it to our own hearts knowing fully well that it was always underserved, that it is but need not be. In other words, to accept the gift is perhaps to accept the humility that gratitude brings. There is forgiveness as there is joy, as there is wisdom, extravagance, love. Love precisely. Forgiveness belongs to the same family.[7] Forgiveness is like a gift, granted by someone Supreme, by God. In St. Paul’s description of love in first letter to the Corinthians , speaks about the higher gifts, the gifts of the Holy Spirit which we should aim at. The words of St. Paul begins with the “I may…” and following this litany of “if I have no love…” articulates the theme of disparaging a imperfection, a need , at the connecting point of having and being, expresses in negative terms the path of importance – the path of that which goes beyond other spiritual gifts.[8] Then he continued a demonstrative discourse about love and what it does, as it says, “love does not keep record of wrong doings, it does not rejoice in evil but rejoices in truth. Love believes in all things, endures all things, hope in all things. Love never fails.” This is to show the gift of forgiveness is the same as the gift of love. If love keeps no record of wrong doings, accusations, imputability, forgiveness is possible. Because love endures than that the other gifts “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” And this is what we call the height of forgiveness. Ricoeur was right when he quoted Derrida:

Forgiveness is directed to the unforgivable or it does not exist. It is unconditional; it is without exception and without restriction. It does not presuppose a request for forgiveness: “one cannot or should not forgive; there is no forgiveness, if there is any, except where there is the unforgivabable.[9]

With these words, Ricoeur shows amidst this wounded and broken world, forgiveness is still possible.

---

[1]Paul Ricoeur, History, Memory and Forgetting, p. 464
[2]Ibid., p.461.
[3]Ibid. p.464
[4]Ibid., p.465
[5]Ibid.
[6]Ibid., p.467.
[7]Ibid.
[8]Ibid., p.467.
[9]Ibid., p.468.

Borrowed Time

There are times that you just want to stop the time and savor every moment that each minute brings, and wish that it will never end. But after all the laughter and good times both of you shared, you will discover that time is not yours to have, and every moment that you have was just borrowed then reality sinks in.They say that the key to happiness is learn to let go. I find this song so meaningful, perhaps we should be thankful for those moments and when the time comes that we have to let go, though painful as it is, we have to accept it with gratitude.

(play the music here)

Even for a while

Why do hearts feel the way they do
Why does men wanna say that I love you
Till the end of time
Till I lose my mind
Till it’s over and left so far behind

I just can’t keep it all inside
So unbelievable how much I’ve tried
Yet I call for you
I long for you
And I say the words I wish you’d want to here
Though you’re never here

[chorus]
Our hearts and though they beat as one
But in time, the time for us will never come
So I, I just go on
And just remember those eyes
That look right through my heart
The smile that shows what’s in you
That makes me wanna cry
Coz I know
I’ll never have you even for a while

Now all is said and done it seems
I keep remembering what I would call a dream
Where you came true
For a minute or two
That was all the time it took
To make me know you had to go
[Repeat Chorus]

Cause I know
I’ll never have you…
And I know
I’ll never have you
Even for a while…

Fallin'

(from my files in College, I accidentally found this one and I think its worth sharing)

My friend likes the song "fallin", I remember when we had our Lenten retreat, she was sharing me her reflection about this song..to be honest, I like the melody and that's it. But when she started detailing her own understanding of the song, I got impressed! And I think this is worth sharing... It has taken me quite a number of years before I was able to write my reflection on this song. I think now is the best time for me to sit down and write what is in my head and in my heart, before I can no longer remember.

"I'm afraid to fly

and I don't know why

I'm jealous of the people who

are not afraid to die"

Falling in love is the greatest and most wonderful gift. The sky is bluer and it seems that flowers are blooming everywhere. Indeed, what an exhilarating feeling it is to love and be loved in return. Here's the challenge though: when one loves, one dies. I don't mean the physical death, but death to oneself. You see, when you are in love, you place that person's needs above your own. Loving entails a lot of sacrifices. Personal preferences are thrown out the window in place of something that was mutually agreed on or sometimes one just chose to give up her own preference because love dictates it. I admire the brave ones who can do just that, make the decision to love and allow themselves to be swept by the "magic" and mystery of it all- To trust someone with their life and accept the commitment to be there for each other always, for better or for worse.

"It's just that I recall, back when I was small

someone promised that they'd catch me

but then they let me fall?.."

It's weird what one does all for the sake of love. It's sad to admit that there are also those
who just love when it is convenient for them, when thing are going smoothly, the way they wanted it, the way the planned it. It's true colors are uncovered when trials sets in. Will they hold on or will they give up?

"And now I'm falling, fallin' fast again

Why do I always take a fall

When I fall in love?"

And then you begin to ask yourself, why did I allow myself to fall in love? to be hurt? Why am I so stupid and stubborn? I should never let it happen again! Only to find yourself falling in love again? But then, who can really resist the call to love?

"You think by now I've learned

Play with fire you get burned

But fire can be oh so warm,

That's why I return?"

The call to love is inherent and real. It is part of our humanity, to respond to love that is freely given. In the first place, it was God who first loved us and called us to love in return? Though it was not easy loving foolish and stubborn humans, still, He loved us because it is His nature, because God is love.

"Turn and walk away

That's what I should do

My head says go and find the door

My heart says I found you?"

We can never turn away from our nature-that is to love. No matter what our head says, the decision to love lies in the heart.

"It always turns out the same

Loving someone, losing myself

I only got me to blame?"

I'm proud to say that I am one of the brave ones. I loved. For all its magic and mystery, the joys and the sorrows, yes, even the hurts and the pains. It was all worth it. I may have lost a part of me in the process, but I also gain a lot of lessons. I can still laugh at life. I responded to God's call to love. It was a decision patterned after the love of God. I have no regrets! No one is to blame. It is my nature to love.

"And maybe this time I'll have it all

Maybe I make it after all

When I fall in love?"

There is always the call for us to love and take the risk and fall again, for what it's worth. I hope this time it will be forever, maybe this time "we" which is God and I can make it. .. maybe this time there's no letting go.. How will I know if I don't trust again, dream again and love again? The song is more than a love song , for me it was a song of hope. Of better things to come, of joy after the tears, and of rainbows after a storm.

Just Around the Corner

You can smell it, feel it, see it and taste it. People around the world celebrate Christmas. However, there is this distinctive style and distinctive flavour whenever Pinoys celebrate this season. Even if they want to commercialize and Americanize everything, we have our own Christmas traditions eventhough if you sprinkle it with snow will still remain distinctively Pinoy. And that makes the Filipino Christmas unique.

You can sense that the season is near when “ber” months came. As early as September you can hear the radio stations began the countdown till Christmas and include Christmas carols on their playlists. But if we say “officially” Christmas here in the Philippines starts on December 16 that would last until on the Feast of the Three Kings. But that can be always extended, as long as people are too lazy set down Christmas decorations, you can say its still Christmas (until March maybe).

December 16^th marks the start of “Simbang Gabi” or “Misa de Gallo”. In English it is called “Rooster’s Mass”, nine days of waking up early in the morning. This tradition started when the farmers who wanted to attend the Novena in the Spanish era went to mass early in the morning so that they won't be bothered in the fields. They spend the whole day in the fields and there is no mass on evenings, so it was done early in the morning. But when Pinoys say “simbang gabi” it is always preceded by Bibingka and Puto-Bumbong. Sometimes I think, if these two elements are gone, there would be less attendance in the mass and only few would complete the novena. After the Simbang Gabi mass you can observe Pinoys ganging up the nearby stall and do a “simbang-kain”. But in our place we have a new term, we call it “simbang-tabi”, it is for those people who wanted to park their boyfriends or girlfriends at their side, showing it to the world as they say “haha! Hindi malamig ang Pasko ko!” (haha! My Christmas is not cold!”) And if you completed the nine days, you can make a wish and it will come true (they say). It is like a bonus in the playstation. Aside from that you can boast to anyone and say “alam mo bang nakumpleto ko ang simbang gabi?!” (did you know that I completed the Simbang gabi?!)

Also in December 16^th you can see the Filipino ingenuity of making money, the carolling. You can see children making improvised tambourine out of bottle caps of softdrinks and beer, pound them with the use of hammer and tie them together with a steel wire. Also the magical drum made of empty milk cans (Nido, Anchor, Bonna etc.) both sides are open and they cover it with plastic plus the rubber bands that makes it more sound like a real drum. But prepare your ear to hear the “classics” such as “pasensya na kayo, kami’y namamasko!” and “we wish you a merry Christmas (3x) and a Happy New Year”. The two are always together, you can bet all you worldly possessions that when you hear “pasensya na kayo” it is always followed by “we wish you…”. One more thing, if you gave those children carollers 1 peso, look out for the next song and you will hear “thank you (3x) ambabarat ninyo, thank you!”. But if you give them a large amount you will hear heavenly voices of “thank you (3x) ambabait ninyo, thank you!”. However because you are too generous, expect them to return everyday that is why you should learn a style to shoo them away.

“Sa may bahay…”

“PATAWAAAAAD!”

But those things are only effective with children, when the old ones comes to carol, be ready because they usually come with an envelop. You are forced to give large amount of paper bills and coins are not allowed. But sometimes your money are worth it because they use to bring karaoke and sing with additional dance number. Add Tito, Vic and Joey and it would look like an “Eat Bulaga” variety show.

Moreover, have you seen our own Christmas trees? I call it “only in the Philippines”. If you go to Divisioria, scientist will be surprised to see almost a thousand of species of Christmas tree. We have trees made of plastic, made of steel wires, white Christmas tree (white Christmas?), made of dried branches and leaves, 1 foot Christmas tree (bonsai) and everything that you can imagine. The same with the Parol, it come in different shapes, sizes, colours and soon in handy pack.

And you can you see Christmas lights everywhere including those in squatters area even if there is no electricity line or fuse… just straight from the post. Filipinos would always put Christmas lights even if its brown out every night. They would decorate and shape it as a star, an angel, a Christmas Tree or any thing that would make their windows beautiful so that they can beat the display in COD at Cubao or in Policarpio St. in Madaluyong.

Filipinos can be tricky also when it come with Ninong and Ninang. In the process of selecting, they will always anticipate Christmas. And when Christmas day comes, the funny thing is that the parents can locate the Ninongs and Ninangs of their children wherever they are. As if they have a global positioning system that would point you thier whereabouts. And not only that, if you could easily hide during Christmas, expect that the parents would remind of you of the aguinaldos of their son/daughter, even if they saw you in June.

Different practices, different traditions and different style. But what really amaze me is how we Filipinos manage to celebrate Christmas even if there are financial crises, typhoons, earthquake and wars. Whenever this season comes, smile aglow in every face of a Filipino, a hope in future that next year even without money Christmas will continue, because we Filipinos know why we are celebrating this season, it is because of a baby was born for us, and be with us amidst all of our worries and problems. That is why we say “tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang Pasko!”