(They say letting it out could mean a big difference. I am putting this to writing to be able to let go fully. Exactly 10 years have passed, only now that I have the strength to publish this piece.)
It all started when I was 6 years old. While I was playing outside our house, I met a girl. She was an average kind of girl who I teased and then she will chase you and then she will beat you up. After that first meeting in which she beat me up and we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the gate. That only lasted for a little while though.
We would meet outside their house all the time and we were always together. I would tell her all different stories and then we will play together. She was quite very quiet he would just listen to what I had to say. I found her easy to be with, we have a lot of things in common, and we also have common favorites like sports and games, food and other things. I could talk to her about everything. In school we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school.
She thought me everything that I need to know, like the “girl stuff” that is cooking, cleaning the house, washing clothes and there was even a time that I became a utility person in her house for a day. As for me, I had a “student” in her, she would always go to me whenever she had a difficult homework to do, and I end up doing it for her but not without an exchange, a favor or a food. In those times, there is always an exchange and nothing is free.
She became my best friend, my only best friend. I would treat her as one of the boys so I wouldn’t be ashamed to her, but she acted one too! I was comfortable being with her and having the same taste on everything, even girls. There are times that she would challenge guys to a game of basketball or any sport and prove her “macho” image, and believe me she was really good at it, but as a gentleman I always let her win.
When we were growing up, one day she told to me that a guy that she liked hurt her and broke her heart. I just comforted her and said everything would be okay. I gave her words of encouragement and helped her get over him. I thought of it that night and figured it was just a friend kind of thing that I was feeling; this is where it all began.
It was prom night, her date was late and she asked me to pick her up. Being forced/intimidated/threatened by her I called my date that I won’t be picking her up. I rushed to my best friend which she called a “life and death” situation, or else I will be dead. But real reason inside of me is that I can not even let her down. I arrived and half an hour early, I was chatting with her sister that time, when suddenly a beautiful angel descended from the stairs and was wearing a light blue dress, a pearl necklace and earrings, her long hair was put in a very neat bun and a light make up to emphasize her features. My jaw dropped. I was amazed by the unexpected transformation; I was used to see her wearing jeans and not a gown. My best friend who was a “man” turned to be a beautiful woman. Looking in her eyes, she held my arms and asked me very politely (for the very first time) to assist her. That night we were always together and of course I thought of it as being friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently. Even though we had different dates to the prom I wanted to be with her. That night after everybody went home I went to her house and wanted to tell her that I wanted to see her, well that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with her watching the stars and talking about what the things we are going to do. I looked into her eyes and listened to her talk about what her dream was. She said, she always dream of being an angel and fly to the sky, little that I know that it was going to happen.
The next days were a little bit awkward to me. There was this feeling that kept bugging me but I just can’t make sense of it yet. There was a little hesitation on my part to ask her going out, having lunch or visit her. She was not the same as before anymore, she became firm and proper like the other girls do. Days past I noticed a lot has changed, even the way we looked on each other, even our relationship as friends. Then one day, for the first time in our lives we had big and serious fight. Our conversation was so intense that we kept shouting on each other’s face, and the reason: she saw me going out with a girl without her permission, and I saw her flirting with some players of the varsity team that I am not approved of, in short… jealousy. Until we came to point in our heated discussion that we both realized that we do not have any right to demand as such to each other, for we are just “friends.” We decided to give each other a space that we both need.
Those days were hardest, for I am not used without talking to her, without seeing her in a day or even in hours. I realized that we’ve been together ever since we were kids, and she was much part of my days, or even my life. I realized that thing that I cannot explain, for the first time I admit to myself that I am in love with my best friend.
A month after I was invited by my friend to his house for a simple valentine party. They knew that I was hurting that moment and told me to ease that pain a bit they are going to introduce me to someone. I agreed. When I arrived at his house, my blind date hasn’t arrived yet so I had the time talk to some of the people there and goof around, just like what I always do before. Then someone arrived, everybody went silent. Then looked at me, and looked on the one who arrived who was like me surprised also. It was her. I never had the idea that my friend would set us up. But to their disappointment, we ignore each other. The party went on without us talking to one another. The people there can feel the tension between the both of us. Until the party is over, and everybody is going home, all of them are going in the same direction except for the two of us. They teased us, as they said their goodbye. I had no choice but to accompany her, and we walked. There was awkward silence while we were walking, none of us would ever want to break it. Until I gave in, I asked her how is she doing, and then she answered, then again long silence. I finally had the strength to talk about what happened a month ago. I told her it was such a mistake judging her; I told her I was a jerk. I am sorry. And I told her that those moments there is something inside me that I never felt before. I took a deep breath, and told her the truth “now, I only one thing… that is I do love you…” and there was a long walk home in silence. I told her that I deserve an answer, but she kept looking down on the road and not uttering a word. I saw her tears flowing from her cheeks. Until we reached her home, I opened the gate and said “I think I have already the answer, thank you.” I walked home, crying on the road, it was my first time to experience rejection. Such was a painful pill to swallow.
The next day was Valentines Day, though I never had a plan to celebrate it my brother told me that she called and she is going to fetch me that evening we are going to talk. I got dressed waited for her. But that night she didn't show up like she said she would. I figured that she might some other things to do and forgotten about me. I went back to my room, changed my clothes and resolved to the thought that it’s over for the both of us.
That night I got a call from her Mama. She said that they were going to fetch me, and better be prepared. I don’t have any idea what is going on, was it a part of her plan to do this or not. An hour later, a car arrived at our house, without any word they took me to the hospital. Until I arrived, I saw her parents and her other siblings and they were all at crying. Her Papa approached me and told me the news “She was on her way to meet you but she met an accident… I am sorry, she is gone…” My face turned pale upon hearing those words. Her Papa then told me “the doctor said she was calling your name before she breathed her last.” It broke my heart, for the first time I wasn’t there where she needed me the most. I was shocked about what took place. Now I knew why she didn't come that day. I cried that night, cried tears of sadness, pain and heartache losing someone who very dear. Asking questions why did this happen to a kind lady like her?
After her funeral, the one thing that was given to me was a diary. It was a dairy that of her life. I cried as it was given to me. I didn't know what to think. Why was this given to me?
I took it and went to Laguna to have a time of rest and healing. As the bus went on, I remembered the good times that we had together, I remembered how she smiled, how I made her laugh, how I made her angry, how she cried, how she made my life meaningful. I started to cry, knowing that I will never able to see those things. I started reading the diary and what was written.
The diary was started the day we first met. I read on till I started to
cry. The diary told of her saying that she had fallen in love with me that day I was there when she was broken hearted. But she was too afraid to tell me what she had felt. That is why she was so quiet and liked to listen to me. It told of how she wanted to tell me so many times but was too afraid to say anything. How the happiest time she had was seeing me and dancing with her at the prom. How the best time in her life was being with me. Finally, the diary ended when it said "today I will tell him I love him". It was the day she died from the accident.
The day I was going to finally find out what was really in her heart.
As I gaze upon her epitaph that reads “our little angel” I look up to the heaven where is now. She had gotten her wish; she made her dream come true. And I promise that someday I am going to take these flowers to the sky.
