In God's Hands

Luke 18:9-14
Homily for 28^th Sunday in the Ordinary Time
ACLC Retreat, Sacred Heart Novitiate
October 18, 2004

Perhaps the most relevant question to ask ourselves at the start of this retreat is “why do I pray?” One of the most beautiful answer I heard came from my cousin Malaika before I entered the novitiate. She said “I pray because I want to place myself in God’s hands.” She said those words as a before I left the world and offer my life to God and enter the novitiate 3 years back. Just this past day I realized what she really meant. Malaika or Lalai as is my closest cousin that I have. I remember, we were the Batman and Robin of the family, the laugh trip partner as one of our tita would call us. Whenever we meet, it will be a laugh trip for the both of us, and the never ending re-telling of stories. Of course there is the coffee cup conversations, the ice cream galore and long the walk back home. For me she was more than a cousin, she is my spiritual sister. We talk about God a lot, we share our faith and convictions, I even confide with her about my desire to enter or have another way of life. Whenever I was in distress, she often quote a passage from the bible and text it to me. Distance was never a problem for us, even from a far i could feel her presence that makes me feel secure and consoled. And to think that we have different religion (she was a Born Again Christian) but that did not matter anyway insted, we always complement each other when it comes to our faith in God. This was the reason why she was very dear to me.

In our Gospel today, Jesus tells us about the power of prayer. It is so timely today, as we make this 5-day retreat and immerse ourselves to prayer. Then what is “prayer”? – Prayer is not an “activity”, it’s a “relationship”. Prayer is not so much “doing” but “being”. In today’s Gospel, it draws us to the persistent pray-er. Jesus shows us the necessity of praying always without becoming weary. And this is what Jesus wants to show us today – TRUST. And when we say trust, it is best demonstrated in our surrender. Trust is the heart of faith, surrendering is the heart of worship. Surrendering to him is not a passive resignation, fatalism or excuse for laziness. We trust him not out of fear or duty, but in love, “because he first loved us.” And this what we may see whenever we pray… we place our life into the hands of God. As CS Lewis observed, “the more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because he made us. It is when I pray and turn to Christ, when I give myself to his personality, that I first begin to have a personality of my own.” Sometimes the reason why many of us still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven’t come yet to then end of themselves, we are still interfering with God’s work within us. As William Booth would say “the greatness of man’s power is in the measure of surrender.” We just have to trust Him whenever we pray.

But the widow in the Gospel and Moses in the first reading stands for answered prayers, how about our own unanswered supplications? We know that God loves us; we know that God hears our prayers. But we also know of many times when God seems absent or says no.

Have you ever prayed so hard and pleaded with God will all your heart? Three weeks ago, I recieved news from my Mom saying that Lalai has Lupus or SLE. I searched the net about Lupus; it’s an incurable disease that can resort to many complications. As if it was like your body rejecting your own body. I haven’t seen Lalai since I entered the Society of Jesus and I could not do so because of my work at Loyola House and my Studies. All I can do that time is to pray for her. I really burned the lines to heaven with prayers. My brothers in the community would often hear me during our community masses. All I was asking from Him to make her feel better, after all she was a good Christian. I bargained with God, I pleaded, offered sacrifices and good work and did everything, just for her to feel better.

Last Friday October 15, 2004, just right after the semester ended, I promised myself that I will visit her, my Dad told me that she was looking for me. The trip from Katipunan to Alabang was really streneous. I went early but I was caught in the traffic. Talk about chances. I really want to see her, that would be our first meeting after three years. As soon as I arrived, I saw my Tita crying "Lalai wasn’t here" she told me. My Tita said that she was rushed to the hospital because she had difficulty in breathing. I immediately went to the hospital to see her. I arrived 2:30pm, it was my cousin Jihan who approached me first and crying. I felt numb, then she told me Lalai was pronounced dead at 2:20pm, I was 10 minutes too late. She was only 26 yrs old; she is supposed to celebrate her 27^th b-day tomorrow October 18^th. For a moment my heart stopped, I could not understand the meaning of all of these, I went to chapel shocked, sad, angry. I asked God about my prayers, He remained silent, but I prayed on. I prayed with a confused and resentful heart, but I prayed on.

God did not answer my prayer but what is important is that I know that there was someone to pray to and to trust to. And that in itself the value of prayer – Trust and surrender. We trust God because we are confident in Him that when we allow God who knows us better than we know ourselves, he answers all our prayers in way that is best for us. He answers our prayers in ways so subtle that we fail to understand him. The death of Lalai taught me more to trust and surrender to Him, without knowing where it would take me. I believe in God’s perfect timing without knowing when; to expect a miracle without knowing how, and believe in His purposes without knowing why these circumstances happened the way they did. The Gospel teaches us to pray always and not loose heart. Learn to trust him and surrender to him for he knows the best for us. For God is not a cruel slave driver or a bully, who uses brute force and coerce us into submission. He doesn’t try to break our will, but woos us to himself so that we might offer ourselves freely to him. God is a lover and a liberator, and surrendering to Him brings freedom not bondage. When we trust and surrender to Him Jesus we discover that he is not a tyrant, but a savior; not a boss, but a brother, not a dictator but a friend. Yes, we can trust and surrender to him because He loves us infinitely more that we could imagine. He proves this love for all us when we look on the cross with His arms outstretched and saying, “I love you this much! I’d rather die than live without you.”

Lalai, in our last meeting three years ago she said to me “I place myself in God's hands”. Now I fully understand what she really means. Lalai trusted and entrusted her life to God until the very end. Lalai have run the race, and fought a good fight. And one day, I know we will meet again in a place we always dream of.

Perhaps in this mass we could pray for ourselves that indeed we may learn to be more prayerful and to trust him as we journey in this retreat. Through our prayer let us surrender to His will as we place ourselves in God’s hands. AMEN

Sa May Simbahan

Labing-apat na minuto makalipas ang alas-siyete ng gabing iyon, umupo ako sa isa sa mga benches na nakaharap sa simbahan ng UST. Pinanonood ko ang kanina’y punung-punong simbahan at unti-unting nagsilisan na mga taong taimtim na nagdadasal. Katatapos lamang ng Misa ng gabing iyon, ngunit umaalingawngaw pa rin sa aking isipan ang Ebanghelyo noong araw na iyon tungkol sa mayamang lalaki na inimbitahan ni Kristo na iwan ang lahat upang Siya ay sundan, umuwing malungkot ang lalaki sapagkat marami siyang ari-arian.

Dalawamput-apat na minuto na makalipas ang alas-siyete ng gabi. Tinatanaw ko ang buong paligid. Tahimik na ang lahat. Dahil bakasyon noon, kakaunti lamang ang tao at wala ang mga estudyanteng nagtatawanan, naglalakad nang sabay, nag-uusap o kaya’y nagsisimba ng sabay. Saksi ang simbahang ito sa isang yugto ng aking buhay. Dito sa simbahang ito nagsimula ang lahat.

Sariwa sa aking alaala ang aming unang pagkitita. Katatapos lamang din ng Misa at nobena nang lapitan ako ng babaeng katabi ko sa Misa noong araw na iyon.

“Aren’t you the President of Pax in Arts and Letters?” nagulat akong nakilala niya ako matapos magnakaw ng mga sulyap sa kanya habang nagmimisa.

“Hmm... yes ma’am. Why did you ask?” Kinakabahan ako baka magalit siya sa akin.

“I often see you in our building, together with Mandy. He’s my classmate kasi.” Akala ko nga’y ano na. Medyo nakahinga ako ng maluwag sa sinabi niya.

“ Ahhh,,, yes, we are collaborating for an outreach project for our group. By the way what’s your name so that I can tell Mandy that we’ve met.”

“I am Jaycee, and what’s your name?.” sabay ngiti.

“Hi JC! I am Ryan.”

Matapos ang gabing iyon lagi ko na siyang nakakasabay na magsimba tuwing Miyekules ng gabi. Hanggang naging madalas ang aming pagkikita. Pagkatapos ng Misa kumakain kami sa malapit na fastfood at nagkukwentuhan at nagtatawanan tungkol sa aming karanasan sa pag-aaral. Minsan naman ay maglalakad kami sa paligid ng field at Benavidez walk – o ang tinatawag naming lovers lane para lamang makasaksi ng mga estudyante na naglalampungan na siya naming ginagawan ng kwentong katatawanan. Ngunit may mga oras din na mga seryosong bagay ang pinag-uusapan namin, tungkol sa aming buhay, mga pangarap at hangarin.

Naging mabuti kaming magkaibigan ni JC. Ngunit di nagtagal, mas lumalim ang pagkakaibigang iyon. Dito rin sa harap ng simbahan na ito kami nagkaalaman ng nararamdaman sa bawat isa, at dito rin ako nagtapat ng pag-ibig sa bawat isa. At dito rin kami sabay na nagplano ng aming mga pangarap at buhay.

Akala ko magiging maayos ang lahat, hindi pala. Maraming mga tanong ang gumulo sa aking isipan. Mga desisyong kailangang pag-isipang mabuti. Kaya nagpasiya kaming huminahon sa aming relasyon at mag-isip. At eksaktong isang taon noong araw na iyon nang magpasiya kaming mag-usap matapos ang isang taong hindi pagkikita. Tatalumpung minuto makalipas ang alas-siyete, magkahalong kaba at lungkot ang aking nadarama. Ayaw kong masakatan pa siya, ngunit kailangan niyang malaman ang katotohanan. Sa simbahang ito ko sasabihin ang lahat.

Matapos ang ilang sandali natanaw ko ang nakaputing babaeng naglalakad mula sa Medicine Building. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali, siya na iyon. Lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Sa unang pagkakataon muli ko siyang makikita, at marahil iyon na rin ang huli naming pagkikita. Sa bawat poste na kanyang madaanan, naaninag ko ang maluha-luha niyang mga mata.Tumayo ako sa aking kinauupan, hinihintay ko ang kanyang paglapit.

"JC? Kamusta na?” halatang tinatago ko ang lungkot sa aking boses.

“Sinabi sa akin ni Mommy na gusto mo akong kausapin, natanggap ko ang iyong text pero ayokong sagutin… So how’s your discernment going on?”
Isang sandaling katahimikan. Ayaw kong saktan ang kanyang damdamin, ngunit kailangan niyang malaman. Sana matapos na ang paghihirap kong ito. Binasag niya ang aking katahimikan.

“You know what? I decided to leave next year for the US, doon na lang ako magpapatuloy ng pag-aaral ng medicine. It’s just that it was painful for me to…”

“JC… I don’t want to give you false hopes…”

Muling pumatak ang kanyang luha. Ayoko ng ganitong pakiramdam.

“Rai, I respect your decision. Alam mo kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa iyo and that wouldn’t change. I guess I was just too afraid that time will come that you will leave me.”

Ipinaliwanag ko ang mga pangyayari at lahat ng aking nagpagmuni-munihan sa loob ng Arvisu House. Ito ang buhay na nais ko, ngunit hindi ko alam kung sigurado ako na iyon ang buhay ko panghabangbuhay. May mga sandaling hinahanap ko rin siya. Kung baga sa sugal, ito ang taya ko: ang alok sa aking magandang trabaho, ang pamilya ko at ang pinakamahirap na na isugal – siya. Si JC ang naging buhay ko, siya ang nagbibigay sa akin ng lakas, siya ang nagbibigay sa akin ng kasiyahan. Pero may mga ilang bagay na kailangang sakripisyo para sa isang mas malaking misyon.

“JC, I hope you understand…”

“I completely understand…. It’s just that I am too afraid to hear this. Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa araw na ito pero hindi pa pala ako handa.”

Patuloy ang pag-agos ng luha mula sa kanyang mga mata. Kumuha ako ng panyo at pinunasan ang kanyang mga luha. Humagulgol siya sa aking balikat at niyakap ko siya nang buong higpit. May mga luha na rin na pumatak sa aking mga mata. Ayoko rin siyang iwan. Pakiramdam ko noon ay nasa gitna ako ng naghihilahang lubid. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako papanig. Bumitiw ako sa aking pagkakayakap at tiningnan ko siya sa mga mata.

“I guess this it. I guess have to say goodbye.” Ang sinabi niya.

Hindi ko sinagot ang kanyang sinabi. Ayaw ko rin siyang mawala. Ngunit kailangan mamili ako sa dalawa. Kailangan ko rin siyang palayain kung pipiliin ko ang buhay Heswita. Hindi lang siya ang nasasakatan kung di mas masakit rin sa akin na iwan siya.

“You take care there… I know you’ll be in good hands. Don’t worry, I’ll pull myself out of this. I will be fine Ryan... Thank you very much for everything.”

Hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi, at naglakad siyang papalayo na umiiyak. Titinignan ko siya hanggang hindi ko na siya matanaw. May parte sa akin na nagsasabing habulin siya, pero hindi ko na nagawa. Ayoko nang dagdagan pa ang sakit na nadarama niya. Naglakad akong uumiyak papasok sa simbahan, ano nga ba ang nagawa niya para masaktan nang ganoon. Ano nga rin ba ang nagawa ko upang masaktan ako nang ganito. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang naging desisyon ko na iwanan siya. Hindi ko natitiyak kung magtagagal ako sa loob ng seminaryo. Walang katiyakan, walang kasiguraduhan. Humarap ako sa malaking Krus sa may altar at nagdasal. Sana maging maayos ang lahat. Sana maging okey siya. Pakiramdam ko noon ay tumalon ako sa isang malalim na bangin na hindi ko alam kung saan ang hangganan. Takot, pangamba ngunit may pag-asang dadalhin ako kung saan man ako nararapat. Iyon na lang tangi kong hiniling sa Taong nakabayubay sa Krus kasabay ng pag-aalay ng hapdi at hirap na aking nadarama nang sumandaling iyon. Nang tinawag niya ako, iniwanan ko ang lahat para sundan siya at masasabi kong hindi ito madali.

Mag-aalas nuwebe na ng gabi nang ako’y lumabas ng simbahan. Pinahiran ko ang aking mga luha, habang naglakad papalayo. Tumigil ako sandali at tinatanaw ang simbahan ng UST. Saksi ito sa isang yugto ng aking buhay. Sa lahat ng mga tawanan, iyakan, biruan at pag-iibigan. Sa may simbahang ito nagtapos ang lahat. Ngunit sa simbahang ding ito ako nakapagsimulang muli.

Storms in Life

I met someone today. I was walking on my way home from Katipunan when I met a familiar face. I knew it was he, a friend of mine way back in college. We were together during our Pax Romana days: our organization when we were in college, doing some religious work, outreach and community work. I remembered our old antics and we ended up laughing. I applaud this person, he was religious, honest, intelligent… truly a man for others. It must have been five years since the last time we’ve met.

But he was far different from the last time I saw him. He was so thin, he wears faded pants, slippers and a t-shirt (he was so formal when it comes to outfit: black pants, collared shirt and shoes). But most of it all his face was a little bit old; he was not the jolly guy whom I knew before. I could sense fatigue and exhaustion and most of all sadness in his face.

I invited to him to eat with me in the nearest fast-food. I know I have a lot of catching up to do; I was out of touch for the last couple of years. I am dying to meet some of my old friends. I told him about me, how I’ve been doing for the past years, my life now and what I am up to lately. And we exchange memories of past, the people we knew, the places we’ve been, and our life way back then. Then I asked him: “so how are you now?” He looked outside and gave me a sigh.

“You know Ryan” he said, “I am glad to see you… I haven’t talked to someone for so long. For the past years, my life was a mess…” Then he recounted his life.

He had a very colorful career. He still continues what we have been doing in our college days which is serving other people. However, storms of life came to his path. His father died 3 years ago, and his mother become sick and he was the eldest, he solely took the responsibility. He has to send his two other siblings to school, and pay for all the hospital bills and all the utility bills. All his savings were gone. His girlfriend left him for another man, and the most painful was… his mother passed away and he lost his job. It was the first time I saw him crying, when were together we just laugh it all, but now it seems he is lost, exhausted, confused and broken. I want to say something comforting, but I opted not. I was there just listening to his agony, to his pain, to his confusion.

“Pards, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko…” he said to me.

“Minsan titanong ko ang sarili ko, nasaan ang Diyos sa lahat ng ito? But I hold on to what we have believe in to… that God is real, matter what we feel.”

I pat him at his shoulder, without saying anything. Then he sobbed. Somehow I could feel his pain, his sorrow, his anguish. And I think somehow he got my message. We will never be alone.

“Please pray for me… hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa. Pero naniniwala ako na pag-subok lang ito. That this storm too shall pass…” he said

“I promise, I will.” I answered. Then we got up, embraced each other and said goodbye.

Many of us have experienced those storms ourselves. And isn't puzzling that we have many good friends, those kind-hearted and God fearing friends who seem to be the very ones who suffer from anxieties and burden in their lives. Our hearts crushed helpless when we hear their stories because we know they are such good people. They serve God by being active in church, in communities; they love the poor and involve themselves in making their lives better. They honestly earn their keep, even they themselves can hardly make both ends meet yet they are the ones who suffer greatly. The one’s buffeted by strong winds and torn apart by rain.

Sometimes they cannot help but wonder, if the Lord might be sleeping through the storm. Yet in spite of all these our friends hold out. They hold out courageously and perseveringly like the out rigors of a poor fisherman’s boat tossed by raging waves. They hold out, pulled together against buffeting wind and tearing rain like a make shift sail of a poor fisherman’s boat tossed by raging waves. When the storm is over, they are the one who most deeply realize that the Lord has not been sleeping after all. The Lord in fact was on the same boat with them. The boat upon He actually stood up to address the winds be quiet, and the waves be still.

His Dwelling Place

(from Songs of Healing)

Isn’t very strange how some songs written by complete strangers who lived completely different lives can nevertheless speak whatever you and I are unable put into words? How then can music fashioned by other person become so one’s own whether to the one’s sings it, or simply to the one who listens to it. Most of us have our own favorite song, and when we ask reasons why is it our favorite, simply we are being affected of the lyrics, melodies or even the singer. However if we try to look, it does not belong to those who wrote it, but to those who might need it. Imagine those songs, like someone is talking to us, fashioning words into our hearts.. silently. When the Lord fashioned a song in and through the heart of one person, the Lord inevitably placed that song not only through its fashioner but also in and through all who care enough to sing it and to listen to it.

We are God’s dwelling place. Our persons, our bodies, our spirit are home to God’s songs. We may be ravaged by the merciless trespass of disease made febrile by abiding pain sheered and weaken by endless treatment but even then... even then, the Lord rest and finds comfort in us, His dwelling place. We may be hardened by failed relationships shrunk down and shriveled up by wrong choices made ugly by pain we inflict ourselves, and on others. But even then... even then, the Lord rest and finds comfort in us, His dwelling place. And that gives us comfort, you have the Lord within you, and when you sing or listen to a beautiful song that speaks about you, it is the Lord. It is the Lord who finds His home in you. It is the Lord who sings His song to you to make it your own. And how lovely indeed is this dwelling place of His.

Separate Lives

A letter for a friend...

Many of us find it difficult to move on, after a failed relationship because we pretend and make ourselves believe that it isn’t really over. We still hope that somehow we can work things out and start over again. There is nothing wrong with loving a person but when this feeling traps us in a world beyond what is real, then we are bound to get hurt. Most of us live in our own fantasies because it is safer there. But, the more time we spend in this make-believe world, the more we are likely to be imprisoned by our own fears.

Relationships are made and broken everyday. Those who lose it are always faced with difficult task of moving on alone. What most of us refuse to understand is that we cannot move on without acceptance in our hearts. For as long as we still hold back what isn’t ours anymore, we cannot truly let go. Letting go means accepting the fact that we are alone now and what used to be “us” will just be “me” and it just has to be like that until we recover from our fall.

Give yourself a time to grieve. Like in any fresh wound, the pain will always be there. But after hurting comes healing and after healing comes a new hope to build our lives again. We can never be certain of our relationships because not all of them are built to last our lifetime. But we have to constantly nurture it so it can grow and we can grow old with it.

We should not mourn forever when someone we love leaves us. We fall in our relationships because God has a better plan for us. All we have to do is trust Him. Always remember that is only when we let go that we have the chance to get back what is taken away form us.

When God Seems Absent

(from Songs of Healing)

Many thousands of years ago, before our Lord Jesus went back to the Father, he promised us that he would never leave us. He promised that he would be with us until the end of the age. And so, we believed that the Lord is with us in Spirit here now and for always. However, haven’t there been times in our lives when we actually felt his absence more intensely than we believed in his abiding presence? Haven’t there seasons an end when we actually sensed we were going all these, alone. And don’t we sometimes feel that our Lord of wisdom and counsel seems to have locked himself away behind divine silence.

What we perceive as a divine withdrawal leaves us wondering when this dark cloud shall lift? When pain and discomfort will no longer pile upon each other? While such times last, we realize the power that despair yields upon us so that we say, “my God, my God why have you abandoned me?”

We are no strangers to suffering and the sense of abandonment it brands painfully on our spirit. So when suffering and illness walk us to the edge of despair this God with us, this son of God who promised to stay with us till the end of time He hold us, He reigns us in and binds us to hope.

Yes, many times he does seem to bind us with such fragile treads of small comfort. Yet, we do not dare to cut him loose and away. For Jesus our Lord, no stranger to suffering himself is compassionate. So, what is this silence all about? I wish to believe that the silence is the time when the Emmanuel actually suffers with us and praise in us in words beyond all understanding.

(How shall I sing to God? When life is filled with bleakness. Empty and chill, breaking my will. I'll sing through my pain, angrily or aching, crying or complaining. This is my song, I'll sing it with love...)

Miss of a Great Miss - Cyrano de Bergerac

When I was browsing for a philosophy book that I could use for my paper the other day, I came across with this book “Cyrano de Bergerac”. It was a play written by Edmond Rostand in 1897. I picked the book out from our library shelf, and started browsing through its pages. For one hour I was “browsing” the book, and I cannot put it down. Words and scenes are effectively written that penetrates deeply into one’s heart. Funny how some text could speak whatever we are unable to say.

The story goes: Savinien Cyrano de Bergerac, a cadet (nobleman serving as a soldier) in the French Army, is a brash, strong-willed man of many talents. In addition to being an incredible dualist, he is a remarkable poet and is also shown to be a musician. However, he has an extremely large nose, which is a target for his own self-doubt. This doubt prevents him from expressing his love for his cousin, the beautiful Roxane, as he believes that his ugliness forbids him to "dream of being loved by even an ugly woman" by his nose.

At the same time as he is debating whether or not he should propose his love to her, she comes to see him. In a moment of great dramatic irony, she tells him that she believes she loves Christian, a young cadet in the same regiment as Cyrano. Although disheartened by this chain of events, Cyrano agrees to protect Christian at Roxane's request.

When Cyrano confronts Christian, he sees that Christian too loves Roxane, but is a fool who doesn't know how to talk to women, even though he's a "handsome devil". Desperate to express his love for Roxane, even if it is unrequited. One day Christian states that "I need eloquence, and I have none!" to which Cyrano replies "I'll lend you mine! Lend me your conquering physical charm, and together we'll form a romantic hero!" The two arrange love letters and memorized speeches to attempt to woo Roxane. This culminates in the famous scene where Roxane is on top of a balcony believing she is speaking to Christian, but is speaking to Cyrano pretending to be Christian. Then she wanted to kiss the man who so eloquently said those words of love, but it was Christian who went up the balcony and got the kiss while he, Cyrano looking from afar (and imagine how painful it is for him.)

In a military encampment, Cyrano becomes obsessed with writing love letters to Roxane and crediting them to Christian. However, Roxane, taken by the love letters, arrives with provisions. Roxane tells Christian that she loves him just for his soul, and would love him even if he were ugly. Hearing this, Christian tries to get the resistant Cyrano to tell Roxane about the entire scheme. However, the battle starts and Christian dies before Cyrano can properly inform her. Cyrano's pride and sense of honor preclude him from telling Roxane about the secret of the man who just died.

He visits Roxane, who still mourns for Christian, every Saturday at the cloister where she lives. Cyrano is stricken on the head by firewood thrown from an open window while walking down the street. After being treated by a doctor "acting out of charity", Cyrano gets up out of his bed and leaves to go keep his weekly appointment with Roxane. He asks to read Christian's last letter (which Cyrano, of course, actually wrote), and Roxane gives it to him. It is a moving farewell that Christian supposedly wrote in case of his death in battle. As Cyrano reads it in the dark aloud, Roxane remembers hearing the same voice speaking words of love to her long ago. She turns and sees that Cyrano is reciting the letter from memory, and realizes that not only did he write all of Christian's letters, but that she has actually always loved Cyrano, and he her. Two of Cyrano's best friends, enter, concerned for Cyrano's health, and tell Roxane that Cyrano has "killed himself" by going to visit her. It is then that Cyrano is forced to admit that he is dying from his wound. Roxane now declares that she loves him and begs him not to die. But Cyrano grows delirious, stands up, and imagines that he is fighting a duel with Death himself, saying that it is better to fight in vain. Even at end, he never admitted to Roxane that it was he who wrote those letters, that it was he who loved her so much, fear always forbid him to do so and declaring that the only thing that cannot be taken away from him is his "panache", he falls dead.

It is true that we never really lose in loving; we only lose in holding back. I remember what my teacher asked us what the word "love" really mean. Then we thought of words that is associated with the word "love", and then we came across to this sentence “ to love means to be vulnerable”. We looked up for the meaning of the vulnerable, it came from the Latin word “vulnere” which means to be wounded, to feel pain, hurt. Maybe after all, that is what love all about, to love means to be wounded.

Like in all our experiences of love, most of the time we ended up being wounded. The story reminded me of someone in the past. It was in college when I met her. We belong to a same organization but different college. In one of the seminars we both attended after that we became good friends. But somehow I was taken aback; she was beautiful and thinking like Cyrano, I am not. One day when we had a gathering then I met her friend and told me she wanted to “hi” for me, I asked her friend where is she, and told me the good and shocking news for me “she took a leave, and will return in a month because she joined the Bb. Pilipinas pagent. And there goes my self-esteem. How could I ever talk to her again? Thinking that she would have some suitors better than me, or even would have some suitor more handsome than me, I went away and silently loved her from afar. There was a time when we exchanged some text messages and beeper messages using an alias, afraid that if she knew who really I am, she wouldn’t talk to me. Those were my made up world, I was contented even in those text messages, and from there we became really close. Sending her love quotes, and even poems I wrote for her she became very insistent to meet me and know me. The other side of myself wanted to tell the truth to her, but I was too afraid. Thinking that she would know the truth to whom she was talking to, she would not talk to me again, for I know I am not that handsome compared to those men whom I saw courting her. One day, her best friend who is also my friend in the college told me that there was this guy sending poems and messages to her and she like those messages, it melts her heart reading those things and she wanted to know who he really is because she thinks she was falling for him. Feeling elated, I gathered my strength to tell the truth to her but one day, I saw her holding hands with someone while holding a bouquet of flower in her hands. With that guy, I saw happiness in her face, that time I thought I need to wake up from a dream . Days after that, I did not send text messages to her anymore. I said to myself have to stop. One day, I received a call from her but I did not answer. Asking me who really am I, because she wanted to know… but I refused. I think there was no point, it was letting go of someone who was never mine.

Until now, she doesn’t know who was that person who texted her, who sent poems to her. Until now she doesn’t have any idea of how much she made my life more colorful, and how she brought the best in me. There are some mistakes that happened, it was my mistake that I gave in to fear, living in a life of what might have been because what love we have given we will have it forever, but what love we have failed to give we will lost it for eternity. This was a story of a miss of a great miss.

She is married now; she resides in US with her doctor husband. I saw her picture recently and she is 5 months pregnant. She is happy, and I guess that is all that I wanted for her, seeing her happy even though I am not part of that happiness. I have forgiven myself for not telling her those things and 4 years ago I have moved on. With all honesty I could say that I am happy for her, and also I am happy where I am now. Will I still tell her one day? That question will be unnecessary, and like Cyrano all those things and secrets will have to die with me.

Banana-cue

The clouds were dark this afternoon when I decided to take a walk. I don’t know what came to me; I just felt the urge to walk. As I reached the football field near Manila Observatory it started to drizzle. Without an umbrella, I continued walking without knowing where I am going (thank God my doctor did not see me), but along the way, I cleared my mind and decided to go to National Bookstore instead. Maybe just to check out the latest Adarna Childrens Book available.

I went up the foot bridge to cross to the other side and from there I saw this kid selling banana-cue near the parking lot of the bookstore. It grabbed my attention when I saw him freezing in cold holding the tray of banana-cue that was covered in banana leaves and plastic. I saw his face, his pale lips and wet clothes as he went to one person then to another and tried to beg each person to buy the sweetened bananas that he was selling. I slowly went down the bridge, trying to get a glimpse on the boy. Do feel pity? Yes, of course but there was something more than that, then my mind went back to the past and memories began to re-appear as I went closer to him.

It started when I was six years old then, I saw myself as a little kid selling bibingka: a rice cake with sweetened galapong on top. I wasn’t born to a rich family. My parents didn’t have enough resources that time, I have three other siblings and I am the youngest. And each of us are doing its own share. So I secretly worked just to have a little allowance. I went to school, not by any means of transportation but by walking on foot. I usually spend recess time pretending I was eating, but I was only chewing a gum. I don’t want to be a burden to my family; in my own little way I tried to contribute something. From then on, I promised myself to really work hard not only for me, but also for my family.

“Kuya, bili ka na sige na…” the boy asked me as I went back to the present reality.

“Magkano ba iyan?” I asked.

“Sampung piso lang po.” The boy answered while chilling from cold. “Sige na po, para lang may pang-kain lang po, hindi pa ako kasi kumakain.”

I checked my wallet, and handed a P20 peso bill to him.

“Salamat po kuya!” as handed me the banana-cue. “Hindi ako gutom eh, gusto mo ikaw na lang ang kumain?” I asked him.

“Talaga po? Maraming salamat po!” the boy answered. Then he handed me a P10 coin. “Kuya, eto na po ang sukli ninyo.”

“Sige na lang, itago mo na yan… para kung sakaling magutom ka ulit hindi ka na kukuha sa paninda mo.” And I smiled at him. I saw amazement in his face, I don’t know if it’s the first time for him to have something like that. Then I touched his head, and in my mind I said “don’t loose hope, little boy… have faith” He smiled back at me and said “thank you” and turned around and ate the banana-cue I brought for him.

There is a certain mystery of feeling when you bring smile on people’s faces. It is some sort of happiness inside and a sense of fulfillment within. As I said goodbye to him, I did not go inside the bookstore. Instead, I rode a tricycle and went back home.

Momentary Stillness

(for Jorbs)

The ticking of the clock
stops
for this momentary stillness.

With a gentle smile,
you slowly brought me to the
realm of consciousness
and woke me from a profound slumber.
Your touch cleansed the fleck
around my eyes
that was ensued during
the cold of the night.
Those warm hands held me
as we walked in the whirlwind
of chaos outside.

As we mingled with the crowd
of believers and cynics
those hands slipped out of my grasp
leaving me confused as
I slowly creep my way
out of this dark abyss.

In this swift moment of stillness,
how I wish that time
will be forever be trapped
in our innocent hands.

Don't Know How

I’ve been battling this feeling for a long time now and I pray that it will end soon. It seems that I am slowly exhausting all my resources, and still I have a long way to go. I am doing the best as I could to drive the demon away from within. I don’t know if you ever got up in the morning, after a good sleep you still feel tired. I always try to motivate myself that something good is going to happen, thinking of happy thoughts that are going to be but I don’t want to get frustrated. A friend brother said and asked me once, “I noticed a lot of change, you have lost your zest, and you are not bubbly anymore. Are you tired of life?” I just laugh at it, but at the end of that day I tried to examine myself and asked myself: how could I ever go out of this? Is there life after this? Am I being tired of life?

I know what I am undergoing now, but I don’t know how to go out from it. I know the possibilities and its dynamics but it is far different when I am going through it. I noticed sometimes when people asked me for counseling regarding their own issues and problems I would give really good advice, but I find it difficult when it comes to my own issues and problems. Ang galing-galing ko sa problema ng iba, pero pag sarili kong problema… My image now is that I have found the door to go out, but the key is still missing to be able to open it.

A colleague of mine told me that I am going through a process; I am caught in a certain kind of epoch and I can never see it. Maybe he is right, maybe the reason of why I can’t see it is because I am going through it. It is like driving to point A to point E. what I am seeing is just B, C, D because I am not at the end yet. He further said “go through it… and when you reach the end that is the time to look back and see what it has done to you.” I wish first that I could reach the end. Going through this can be very tiring.

This is only a stage. I am still hanging; I am still here. I wish Icould muster all my strength to go through this one, victoriously. I dream of that day to come. Please pray for me.

Instruments of Real Change and Hope

Homily for the Feast of the Transfiguration
Gawad Kalinga Thanksgiving mass
August 5, 2006 Ateneo de Manila High School Chapel

I grew up in a time when the Philippines were rebuilding after the successful and peaceful revolution that happened in 1986. I was six years old then when EdSA revolution happened, and it was full of promises and hope. People are jubilant and expected changes in the real sense of the word, a transition from oppression, poverty and unfreedom. Twenty years have passed and ask myself whatever happened to those promises?

Kung titignan natin ang mga pahayagan ngayon, sari-sari ang mga problema. Nariyan ang problema ng OFW’s mula sa Lebanon, na minsan mas gugustuhin pa nilang manatili sa Lebanon kaysa sa umuwi ng Pilipinas, bakit? Sa kadahilanang wala raw silang kinabukasan dito. Pareho rin ng dahilan ang mga matatagumpay na nagsipagtapos at ngayon naghahanap ng mas luntiang pastulan sa US, Europa at iba pang bansa. Sabi nila sa akin, wala raw mangyayari sa kanila kung mananatili pa rin dito. Nariyan din ang mga balita patungkol sa mga misteryosong pagpatay sa mga aktibista na naghahanap ng pagbabago at mga tagapamahayag nagsisiwalat ng mga kaguluhang ito. Ang sabi ng isang kamag-anak ng biktima “wala na bang katapusan ang mga pagpatay na ito?” Ang kaguluhan sa mindano na tila walang katapusan. At ang usapin ng Cha-cha kung saan naghahanap ng pagbabago sa pagpapatakbo ng Gobyerno.

In this time leaves us wondering when this dark cloud shall lift? When pain and discomfort will no longer pile upon each other? While such times last, we realize the power that despair yields upon us and so that some of us would say, “there is no hope in this country anymore.”

Change. I think most of us here desire for a change. Breaking from this cynicism of selfishness and blame we all wanted to have a real and lasting change. A change that will bring a future hope. A change that will renew the face of the earth. And our Lord today invites us and calls us to be an instrument of change and hope.

Brothers and sisters, today we celebrate the feast of the Transfiguration. And what is this all about? I think, this feast talks about real change. In our Gospel today we see the mystery of the Transfiguration, for Jesus, consists in expressing all the light and glory of his divinity. Jesus, who is man, wants to show in the clearest possible way that he is also, and first, God. Also, that which is human in him, while remaining truly human, takes on an appearance which completely surpasses all that the mind of man can conceive within itself: in transfiguring/ changing himself before his apostles, Jesus presents himself to them as a man who, if it were taken any further, would appear to no longer be man, but only God. In short, Jesus wants to show to those who belong to him everything that God offers, for all eternity, to the whole of the humanity that he assumed and regenerated through the mystery of his Incarnation and that of the Paschal Redemption.

The Gospel however, turns the eyes of believes not towards the past, but toward the future. It shows the royal way that the glory of God has traced through the world, in Jesus whom the apostles saw on the mountain of the transfiguration. But no matter how brilliant that light was, it remains a “lamp shining in a dark place” of time, “until day dawns and the morning star” Christ glorified “rises in your hearts.” The Transfiguration is something to hope for and work on.

Hope because we have seen Jesus with the eyes of faith! We have heard the voice of God; we have heard the voice of the One seated on the Throne in Daniel’s vision. They have been given an appreciation of the "all of God’s Plan" for creation. An understanding of the connection God makes with the leadership of Moses, with the call of the Prophets, and with the Way of Jesus. For God gives us a glimpse right now, of what is going to happen in the future that something we can hope for.

Moreover, it is something to work on. Today, as we listen to the words of these Scriptures, Jesus challenges us to see the face of God in our own lives. Jesus challenges us to see God in the people who are a part of our lives, in the people who need us, who challenge us, who beg us, who deny us, who hurt us, who envy us, and on and on. Jesus challenges us to see the face of God and to respond to the voice of God with all that we are. Jesus will not be satisfied if we build "tents" to stay and relish what "has happened". Jesus will not be satisfied if we receive the Eucharist today and savor it! Jesus, once again, calls us to live the gift of Eucharist as we move forward, as we take to next step. Jesus calls us to find our way to the New Jerusalem by continuing to respond to the Spirit that is within us-the Spirit that is the very center of our lives and this is the miracle when we let ourselves be an instrument of real change and hope.

Mga kapwa manggagawa sa Gawad Kalinga, ang pagbabagong anyo ni Hesus ay isang himala na nangyari. At sa mga oras na ito, isang himala rin ang nagyayari. Pagmasdan ninyo ang buong paligid, hindi ang mga santo o palamuti ng kapilyang ito kungdi ang mga tao naririto ngayon. Kayo ang mga instrumento ng pagbabago at pag-asa ng bansang ito. Sa pagsasakripisyo ninyo ng sarili at ibigay ang ito para sa kapwa upang mabailik ang kanilang dignidad, upang muling itayo ang kanilang buhay sinimulan ninyo ang isang malaki at radikal na pagbabago. Isang radikal na pagbabago na pinag-aalab ng ating pag-ibig sa Diyos at sa kapwa. Na imbes na sabihing ibagsak, isinisigaw ang mga katagang Itayo, na imbes na magsisihan tayong lahat ay nagtutulungan, at imbes na mag uhanan tayo mismo ay walang iwananan. At sa kabuuan, tayong lahat na natitipon dito, sa kabila ng pagkakaiba: mga mag-aaral, mga guro, mga volunteers, mga magulang, mga administrador ay pinagbubuklod ng isang mahalaga at banal na layunin. Kung saan walang mayaman o mahirap, nakapagtapos ng pag-aaral o hindi, matanda o bata, kristiano o muslim. Makikita natin ngayon ang isang pag-asa, isang pangako ng bagong bukas, isang maayos at payapang bansa kung saan wala nang kaguluhan, wala nang gutom at wala na ang kahirapan. Taas noong maipagmamalaki sa buong: kay sarap palang maging isang Pilipino.

At lahat ng ito ay hindi nanatiling pangarap lamang o ngunit isang pangarap na abot kamay na. Sa pakikipagtulungan natin sa bawat isa, maabot ang isang layunin upang bigyan ng pag-asa ang mga taong lugmok sa kawalan ng pag-asa, at muling itatayo ang bayang Pilipinas sa espiritu ng pagmamahal sa kapwa, pag-asa at pagkakaisa ng bawat Pilipino. Mula sa mga pagbabagong ito, makikita natin ang isang himala, isang himala na sumisinag sa ating mga puso. Isang pagbabagong anyo mula sa atin. Sapagkat hinayaan natin ang ating mga sarili maging isang instrumento ng pagbabago at pag-asa.

The Transfiguration assures us that God gives to each of us, according to our need, our own mountaintop experiences of His love for us. Each of us has been given our own special moments and experiences of God’s grace through Gawad Kalinga. He has revealed His glory and goodness to us perhaps through special miracles of grace where He has touched our hearts in unique and unmistakable ways. And these miracles enables us now to touch the hearts of the others through our work in GK. And through the other that whom we serve, we will see the face and the glory of God who is living among us.

Let me end this sharing with a story. One day a Rabbi asked his students : when do you know that the night has ended and the sun is rising? One student answered “if you see clearly if the animal from a far is a lion not a tiger. The Rabbi answered wrong. Then another student answered if you see clearly that the fruit of a tree is an apple not a pear. Wrong, the Rabbi said. It is when you look on the face of a man and woman, and you can recognize and say that he or she is your brother and sister otherwise if this does not happen, no matter what time it is, it is still night.

Nawa’y magpatuloy tayong lahat na maging isang instrumento ng pagbabago, at instrumento ng pag-asa sa ating bansa at sa buong mundo.

Hangga't Maaga

Ibang pagkamatay
ang sadyang pagpatay sa pag-ibig
hangga’t maaga.
Walang takot sakali man
maisulat ang pamamaalam ng alab.
Wala ang lupit ng pag-iisip
na tigib sa halimuyak ng pag-asa.
Ang suyuang tila ‘di mapapatid.
Walang pangungulila
kung hindi man dumating
ang isang hinihintay.
Walang pakikipaghabulan
sa humahangos na orasan.
Walang bunton ng retrato
at kahon-kahong liham
na hahalukayin at balik-balikan.
Walang awit na sasabitan
ang bawat titik ng kahulugan.
Walang pook na papasyalan,
sa puno’y walang iuukit
na pangalan ng minamahal.

Ibang pagkamatay
ang sadyang pagpatay sa pag-ibig
hangga’t maaga.
Walang araw, walang dagat,
walang sukal, walang alapaap,
walang bangin, walang yungib
walang magagalugad
itong pusong nag-iisang lugmok
at ‘di alam ang liwanag.

This Skin, This Voice

But perhaps it is time
for yet another wounding,
and another delicate hurt, much deeper
than all the previous cuts
I have received before.

Time enough to sing
another song, let out some
strains in a voice cracking
with soul and sorrow
as I descend into another
and another
level of tragedy.

This skin, this voice:
the first has long remained
whole and untouched; the second
has muted most of its griefs.

No matter. Blades are ever present,
poised on all sides, quick to stab
either the bone or bare heart,
or to pray away old scars, even
as my hand closes around
to stop the bleeding.

For I know I would rather
sing of these, my lumps of pain;
much rather leave traces
of blood upon the pavements;
rather have ghosts of griefs
announce my fall –

than nothing behind me at all.

Mangyari Lamang

mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nagmahal
nang makita ng lahat
ang mukha ng pag-ibig
ipamalas ang tamis
ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
sa mga malabo ang paningin

mangyari lamang ay tumayo rin
ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
nang makita ng lahat
ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
habang ipinagbubunyi
ang walang katulad na kagitingan
ng isang nagtaya

mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nangangambang magmahal
nang makita ng lahat
ang kilos ng isang bata
ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin
na pilit ikinukubli
ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto at diwata

mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nagmahal, minahal, at iniwan
ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
nang maging makahulugan
ang mga paghagulgol sa dilim

at sa mga nanatiling nakaupo
mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis
papalabas sa nakangangang pinto
umuwi na kayo
at sumbatan ang mga magulang
na nagpalaki sa isang halimaw

at sa lahat ng naiwang nakatayo
mangyari lamang ay hagkan ang isa't isa
at yakapin ang mga sugatan
mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap na makabalik
sa ating pinagmulan

manatiling masaya
at higit sa lahat magpatuloy
sa pagmamahal

Ramon Magsaysay Awards 2006: Community Leadership Citation for Gawad Kalinga

This morning I recieved a text message from Tito Tony Meloto, informing that Gawad Kalinga won the prestigous Ramon Magsaysay Award. I am just proud that I am a part of this radical movement. Radical that means to be different and to be passionate. Passion for change is oftentimes fueled by anger but passion that is more powerful is fueled by love… Love for God & country… Love for God & our poor countrymen. It is also radical by following the path of love and the path of peace. That instead of Ibagsak (down with), can we try Itayo (up with)? Instead of away, puede bang magtulungan (fighting, how about helping)? Instead of unahan, puede bang walang iwanan (being first, how about not leaving anyone behind)? Gawad Kalinga changed my paradigm, and all of these I have learned from them:


Never stop hoping for our country.
Don’t stop caring for our people.
Demand greatness from yourself as a Filipino
Inspire greatness in other Filipinos.


-----taken from the Ramon Magsaysay Awards 2006---------

It is often said that Tony Meloto is the face of Gawad Kalinga. But the movement he spawned is now much bigger than himself. In truth, Gawad Kalinga has thousands of faces. These are faces of every Filipino ethnicity, faith, and social class—of donors at home and abroad who are providing the money and land for new villages; of volunteers across the Philippines who are joining their families, and friends, and schoolmates, and officemates, and fellow church members to build houses and to provide Gawad Kalinga villages with training and services; of executives, lawyers, doctors, architects, and other professionals. These are also the faces of over one hundred thousand grateful beneficiaries.

Today more than eight hundred fifty Gawad Kalinga villages span the Philippines. Alongside those sponsored by Filipinos abroad, such as Norway Village, Swiss Village, and North Carolina Village, there are more than one hundred others sponsored by major corporations. And this is just the beginning. Gawad Kalinga is committed to building seven thousand new communities by the year 2010.

Gawad Kalinga neighborhoods typically contain fifty-to-one-hundred brightly painted homes and are conspicuously tidy and clean. There are flowers and plants and pleasant walkways, plus a school, a livelihood center, and a multipurpose hall. Participating families are mentored by a Couples for Christ caretaker team that organizes volunteers to assist in education, health, and livelihood projects. In many, clinics provide routine medical care. Through a self-governing neighborhood association in each village, residents are becoming stewards of their own stable and vibrant communities.

The objective is transformation. Meloto recently described a mature Gawad Kalinga village as "a beautiful middle-class community. Crime has virtually disappeared. Former street children are now in school. The idle have been motivated to find employment and are now leading productive lives." As for those who contribute to Gawad Kalinga and its mission, they are transformed, too, by their acts of goodwill and the warm camaraderie of bayanihan, "working together."

Now fifty-six, the lanky, self-effacing Meloto says, "I believe in the immense potential of the Filipino." Thinking of people like himself who formerly ignored the poverty around them, he says, "Before, we were part of the problem."

"Now," he adds, smiling, "we are part of the solution."