Bayan-I

(mula sa aking tala-arawan noong nakaraang tag-araw. Muling inilathala sapagkat nasira ang pahinang ito)


Isang tahimik at banayad ang lagaslas ng tubig na umaagos sa batis na nasa tabi ng Gawad Kalinga Kalayaan Village sa Gabaldon Nueva Ecija. Nakakapanatag ng loob at payapa ang lahat. Sa ilalim ng punong Igos na malapit sa batis, may isang tablang upuan. Dito ko umuupo, tinatanaw at pinapakinggan ang pagdaloy ng batis sa Gabaldon. Lagi akong pumupunta dito sa bawat araw na natatapos para magdasal at magbalik tanaw sa nakaraang araw, sa ganitong paraan kasi naisasaayos ko ang aking pag-iisip at katauhan. Isang gabi tinitignan ko ang repleksyon ng maliwanag at bilog na buwan sa batis, kinakalat ng batis ang liwanag na nagmumula sa buwan, at ito ay hanggang sa abot na tanaw na makikita. Patuloy ang pagdaloy ng tubig, ngunit kung titignan wari itong nakatigil. Habang tinatanaw ko ang payapang batis, bumabalik sa aking aalala ang mga mukha, larawan at pangyayaring naganap

sa loob ng mahigit na isang buwan na pamamalagi ko sa GK Village, sa bayan ng Gabaldon. Minsan, masarap magbalik tanaw.

May Pag-asa nga ba ang Pinoy?

Isa sa mga paborito kong ikuwento sa iba ay mula sa Noli Me Tanggere ni Rizal kung saan isang bata ay gustong subukan ang karunungan ni Pilosopo Tasyo. Tinanong ng bata si Pilosopo Tasyo kung ang ibon ba sa kanyang kamay ay buhay o patay. Alam ni Pilosopo Tasyo na kung sasabihin niyang “buhay” iipitin ng bata ang ibon at papatayin. At kung sasabihin naman niyang “patay” ay pakakawalan ng bata ang ibon at paliliparin. Kaya’t ang sinabi si Pilosopo Tayo: “ang kasagutan ay nasa iyong kamay”

Ang pag-asa ay nasa ating mga kamay. Ang hindi na natin kailangang tumingin sa malayo sa paghahanap ng kasagutan sa apat na tema ng buhay. Ang sabi nga ni G. Tony Meloto sa kanyang talumpati sa bagong nagtapos sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas: “lahat tayo ay nagkasala, lahat tayo ay nagkulang. Ngunit ang pagsisihan ay walang nagagawang solusyon sa problema. Hindi rin ito nagkakapagpatayo ng mga tahanan para sa mahirap. Hindi nito mapapakain ang mga nagugutom. Hindi rin ito nagpapataas ng dignidad at dangal ng isang tao. Ito ay lason sa kaluluwa, pinapatay nito ang pag-asa. Ngunit imbes na sisihin ang iba, tignan natin ang ating sarili – ano nga ba ang nagawa nating mali? Ano ang hindi natin nagawa?” Kailangan natin ay magbago, upang makakita tayo ng isang pagbabago. At itong pagbabagong ito ay wala sa langit o sa kawalan, ngunit ang pagbabagong ito ay nasa ating kamay.

Sa aking pakikipamuhay sa kanila, bagamat may mga balakid, hindi nanatiling nasasadlak sa dilim ang lahat. Isang pag-amin na hindi rin talaga perpekto ang komunidad, na oo hindi madaling magtayo ng isang bansa, isang komunidad at isang tahanan. Ngunit sa kabila ng mga kadiliman, naroon pa rin ang suhay ng pag-asa na umuusbong mismo sa mga taong naninirahan doon. Mayroon tayong salita sa Filipino na walang katumbas ng salita sa Ingles, ang salitang “bayanihan”. Ang pakikipagtulungan ng bawat tao sa kanyang kapwa tao. Na sa halip na magsisihan sa mga pagkakamaling nagawa ay itinutuwid sa pamamagitan ng halimbawa. Na sa halip na mag-unahan ay walang iwanan.

Kada Sabado at Linggo, may mga ilang volunteers mula sa iba’t-ibang pamantasan at eskwelahan ang nagsisipagdalo para lamang tumulong na magtayo ng mga bahay sa Gabaldon. Minsan akong sumama sa kanila para makapag build. Kasa-kasama rin naman ang mga taong naninirahan sa Kalayaan at sabay na tumulong sa mga bisita upang gumawa ng bahay. Mula sa paghahalo ng semento, sa paghuhukay ng septic tank at sa pagpapalitada ng bahay naroon sila ang masayang naghahalakhakan habang gumagawa. Noong hapong iyon, sandali akong nagpahinga sa sulok at tahimik na pinagmamasdan ang mga volunteers at mga taga roon. Kasabay ng malakas na pagpapatugtog ng radyo, hawak-hawak nila ang mga piko, pala at mga timba ng tubig upang maghukay para sa ginagawang septic tank. Kahit mahirap ang pagpiko, pagpala at ang pagbuhat ng semento ay ginagawa nila itong mas masaya sapagkat sama-sama. Ang mga volunteers na sa kabila ng karangyaan, kayamanan na mayroon sila ay mas pinipili nilang magpabilad sa ilalim ng matinding sikat nag araw. Isa sa mga nakilala ko ay ang kasama kong si Nicole na mag aaral sa Ateneo, na mas pinipili pang gugulin ang bakasyon sa Gabaldon kaysa sa magpakasarap sa saan mang lupalop ng mundo. Mas kakaiba raw ang pakiramdam ng pagtulong sa kapwa sa gawaing hindi pipiliin ng ilan. Nariyan ang team Gabaldon na sina Dan, Monching, Bem, Reese, Jon at Elfred na nag volunteer sa iba’t ibang parte ng Nueva Ecija upang pagpatuloy ang nasimulang gawain sa Gabaldon. Naroon sila noong Sabadong iyon, at tumulong sa pag build. Hindi rin maiwawaglit ang ang mga kabataan ng GK Gabaldon na sa kabila ng trahedyang naranasan ay hindi sila nawawalan ng pag-asa upang itayo muli ang nasirang pamayanan at mga bahay. Naroon ang mga kabataang iyon na sabay gumagawa para ibang taong nawalan rin ng tahanan at walang matirhan. Ito ang mga kabataang sabay nangarap na itayo ang bansang ito na may dignidad at pag-asa. Mga kabataang nagsisilbing ilaw sa kinabukasang madilim at hindi tiyak.

Noong mga oras na iyon, doon ko napag isip-isip, na ang totoong problema ng ating bansa, o ng ating daigdig ay hindi kurapsyon, hindi mga pulitikong nagpapataasan ng ere, hindi terrorismo at hindi rin kahirapan. Ang problema ng bansa at ng daigdig ngayon ay ang pagiging makasarili at indibiduwalismo ng bawat tao. Pagkamakasarili ang nagiging ugat ng lahat ng problema - na lagi na lamang inuuna ang sarili: kung paano ako aangat sa iba, magiging iba sa lahat, yayaman at iiwanan ang lahat. Kung paano ko mararating ang rurok ng tagumpay at hindi na bale kung sino man ang aking masagasaan o matapakan pag abot nito. Kung paano ako titingalain ng mga tao ang magiging tanyang sa lahat. Ang pagiging makasarili at indibiduwalismo ang pinagmumulan ng hidwaan, digmaan, gutom at kahirapan. Pagkamakasarili ang sumisira sa mga tahanan, institusyon at isang bansa. Pagkamakasarili ang pinakamalaking kasalanan kung saan nakakalimutan nanting mag mahal sa kapwa.

Ang kailangan natin ngayon ay mga taong may malasakit kapwa, na mas inuuna ang iba kaysa sa kanyang sarili, ito yung mga tinatawag natin mga bayani. Kung titignan natin ang salitang “BAYANI” – BAYAN-I na kung saan ang “BAYAN” ay nauuna sa “I” - ang ako o sarili. Kinakailangan ng isang paglimot sa sarili at unahin ang kapakanan ng ating kapwa o ng bayan. At hindi ito pagaapuhap sa kawalan. Sapagkat ang makakatagpo tayo ng mga bayani sa atin mismo na hindi nakatayo sa isang monumento sa parke o isang matigas na rebulto o imahen na lamang. Sa Bayan ng Gabaldon, buhay at tahimik na gumagawa ang mga bayaning nakilala ko.

Masabi kong mga bayani ang mga estudyanteng galing Maynila at walang sawang pumupunta sa Gabaldon tuwing Sabado at Linggo. Ang Local Government Unit sa pangunguna ni Mayor Mandia at G. Noli Anarcon na halos araw-araw na sumasaglit upang tignan at alamin ang kanilang kalagayan. Ang mga kabataan ng Kalayaan na napapatuloy sa kabila mga kaguluhan at kadiliman ngunit patuloy na naniniwala sa pag-asa dulot ng Gawad Kalinga. Sila ang mga bayaning umaakay sa iba, mga bayani na iniisip ang kapwa kay sa sarili nila. Mga bayani na siyang gumigising sa mga natutulog na bayani sa atin at nagsasabing “pagsama-sama may pag-asa”. Mga bayani na sa pamamagitan nila, makikita natin ang mukha na Dakilang Lumikha na naka bakas sa kanilang mga mukha.

May isang istorya tungkol sa isang Rabbi at kanyang mga estudyante. Isang araw, tinanong ng Rabbi ang kanyang mga estudyante: “Paano mo malalaman na nagtapos na ang gabi at ang araw ay sumisikat na?” Ang sagot ng isang estudyante “kapag malinaw mong matatanaw ang hayop na nasa malayo ay isang leon at hindi isang tigre!” “Mali” ang sagot ng Rabbi. Ang sagot naman ng isang estudyante “kapag nakikita mo ng malinaw ang bunga ng isang puno ay isang langka at hindi isang durian!” “Mali” ang sagot ng Rabbi, “ito ay kapag kayo ay tumingin sa mukha ng iyong kapwa-tao na isang babae o lalaki at masasabi ninyo na siya ay iyong kapatid. Dahil kapag hindi ninyo pa rin ito nakita, kahit anong oras pa ng araw ay waring gabi pa rin.

Salamin

Salamin ang tawag mo
sa mga mata kong
lagi mong hinahanapan
ng iyong anyo.
Masaktan ka kaya
kung sa muli nating pagkikita
wala na ang repleksiyong
gustong-gusto mo?
Pasensya ka na,
nailuha ko na yata,
nang minsan mapuwing
ang aking mga mata.

A Dialogue Between God and a lost soul

<-> Are you God?
<++> Are we not done with that question?
<-> I just want to know why there is so much suffering in the world.
If you are real – or if God is real – why are you not doing anything to help the people? As if that you are amused to see how they suffer?
<++> Whoa! Wait a minute. Am I a stoplight that you could blame for all your traffic jams? I am not a pimple, dengue, acne, dandruff, diarrhea, chicken-pox, fungi, measles, pneumonia, cholera, or your boisterous neighbor.
Tell me, what suffering have I caused you?
<-> why did you do that?
<++> What thing?
<-> WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
<++> It was not me; it was you who did that to yourself.
<-> I won’t do that if you would not give me a reason.
<++> Are you blaming me?
<-> YES!
<++> But you do not believe me, right? Never in your life have you believed me. You do not have a God. Why are you blaming someone who did not exist?
You are good in doubting and it is hard for you to believe in something which you can not see…
<-> You make us suffer! You put us into the world so that we will be tested, all our life! And you don’t accept a person who is not strong enough.
<++> And who told you that?
<-> Answer me, why do we have to believe in you so that we will be saved from punishment?
<++> If you don’t believe in me, why do you need to worry about punishment? Why are you scaring yourself?
<-> I am not scaring myself, I have lived in a world according to my own belief.
<++> All the people are. That is my gift you, freewill, freedom to choose in all things isn’t?
<-> Where are your gift to all the people who died in concentration camps? Have they used your gift? Their freewill?
<++> They have used it very well!
<-> LIAR!
<++> It does not mean that when you don’t understand a thing it’s already a lie. And not all that you could understand is true.
Now if you don’t have any questions, would you now answer my questions?

Better Days

Those years are the most memorable experience in my whole life. After being "in prisoned" for two years: sharing bathrooms, living for P150/month, enjoying ludi and labo, apostolate sharing and meeting, chant class, cold christmases, and sharing our own lives.. and now we have come this far in this journey. Eight of us still remains, eight crazy guys who let go of everything just to get hold of thier "pearl of great price". Eight men who risked thier lives to follow the voice that comes within.

Thanks to errol who made this video to remind us what bond us together. As our Holy Father Ignatius dreamed for us to have a "union of minds and hearts" even though we are a "communitas ad dispersionem"and have our own work and mission to do. That is to labor with Christ under the banner of the Cross.

All hell breaks loose when all of us got together.

Just missing my batchmates... no matter what we will see at the end of this road, I am forever thankful that you have been a part of my own journey.

Sapin-Saping Pagtangi

Ngumiti ka sa pagitan ng alikabok,
busina, mamimili at bangketa.
Kinunan ng larawan ng aking isipan
ang ngiting iyon.
Ilang buwan kong hindi nakita,
ilang buwan pang muli bago ko mapagmasdan,
kaya’t kailangang makasapat
ang iyong pabaong ngiti.

Itatago ko ang iyong ngiti
sa pagitan ng mga pahina
ng pangamba at pag-asa,
‘pagkat ang ngayo’y panahon ng panganib,
laging kakaba-kaba ang puso
sa mga nagmamatyag na mga mata
at nakikinig na mga dingding.

May nagbabantang kapahamakan
at hindi nito pahihintulutan
ang pagtatago
ng mga pinagbabawal na libro at manuskrito,
kahit ang iyong sulat
o larawang maaring hawakan.

Kaya’t sisilipin ko na lamang
ang iyong larawang
kinunan lamang ng isipan
sa mga araw ng pag-iisa.
‘Pagkat kinakapos ako ng alaala
sa iyong nakaraang hindi ako naging bahagi.

At lagi,
magigising akong hindi natatapos
ang mga panaginip
tungkol sa iyong kinabukasang
hindi rin naman naging akin.

Isang Lumang Awit

Masasagap mo ang hangin ngunit ‘di mo matatangnan.
Madarama ang tubig kahit di mo mahawakan.
Matatanaw ang araw kahit hanggang tanaw lang.
At sa pagitan ng ganitong pagdanas,
may ilang bagay ka na matatagpuan
gaya ng pagkakatagpo sa isang lumang awit
na pilit ikunukubli sa iyong gunita.
Ngunit sa sandaling ‘di maiwasang pag-iisa,
ay kakatok tulad ng ‘di inaasahang bisita.
Noon mo malalaman na hindi madaling talikuran
ang mga bagay na nakasanayan na.
Ang alaala pag nagtagal ay nagiging damdamin.
Ang damdamin pag tumindi ay nagiging pag-ibig.
Masasagap mo ang hangin ngunit ‘di mo matatangnan.
Madarama ang tubig kahit ‘di mo mahawakan.
Matatanaw ang araw kahit hanggang tanaw lang.
Minsan, ganoon ang pag-ibig.
Minsan walang tulay na namamagitan,
maliban sa pagnanais tumulay at makarating
kahit walang maisip na paraan.
Minsan ang pag-ibig ay parang isang lumang awit,
‘kipkip sa dibdib ‘pagkat nais magtagal
kahit na ang tamang panahon ay hindi dumating.

Ang pag-ibig ay pag-ibig kahit hindi ito maangkin.

Rest In You

It has been twenty six years and I so feel tired... I wanted to rest. Funny how people greeted me “may you have many birthdays to come!” but the truth is that I don’t think that I would not wish for something like that. Sometimes, I do not know if I will be thankful that I am still alive. There was a time when a Baptist Missionary approached me and asked “are you afraid to die?” I answered him back bluntly “no”.

I know it is weird, but to tell you honestly I really viewed death in a different way. I am not afraid of death specifically my own death. I asked myself, am I ready to die? Ready or not, I will accept that. Death is happiness, imagine you will be in a place where there is no pain, no sadness no more tears and forever peace. I always dreamed of that place. It don't make no difference escaping one last time, but even for the past years there are times that I prayed that I wanted to rest. I found myself negotiating to trade places with a cancer patient that wants to live longer. I found myself bargaining with God for a friend/cousin/grandfather who is in the brink of death. I found myself wanting to replace a person whose loved one is crying on his coffin. Maybe weird enough, but for me I just wanted to rest in eternity.

Sometimes I think that we can never really be happy in this world, that real and happy life is not here, it is elsewhere. Tired of a straight line, and everywhere I turn, there is always a storm. Life is painful, and sometimes it is cruel. And I am so tired. All the things that I do are doomed to fail. There's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day. I am a great failure that I make up for all I lack and I am tired of proving myself. I feel that I cannot do anything right. I found myself praying consciously that “if I can’t do anything right Lord, please… take away my life… rather than hurting you… I am better off dead.” I wanted to go, far away from here, from this endlessness that I fear.

I am just a little pinch of sand and the whole world wouldn’t notice that I am gone, and I will not be a great loss in this world. I don’t even imagine that someone will cry if I am gone or someone will be sad when I am gone. I believe that it will all still be the same. I am just tired, I think. I wish I could find some peace tonight.

Coming Home

Instead of the usual greetings, party, and celebration I opted to have this day in silence and solitude. Maybe that is what I really need these days. I went back to a place I call home. Many people may surround me but sometimes I still feel alone that is why I decided to go home. And I feel just like I am living someone else’s life it is like I just stepped outside when everything was going right.

As I alighted from the bus, the canopy of trees welcomed me in a sheer nostalgic tone. It was raining that moment, as if every thing was gloomy. The fresh grass was drenched in rainwater, the leaves and branches were scattered along the road because of the strong winds. As I walked down the forlorn path, my memory brought me back to the first time I went inside this place. Full of desire and hope, this is where it all began. One of the happiest chapter of my life. Now I returned home feeling a certain depression, full of questions of doubts and of fears. Sometimes I feel God made a mistake and I am waiting for Him to take it back. Thus, I waited in silence.

I went home not only to gather strength from the memory it gave me but also to look back where I started, or where did I go wrong. I went around walking quietly and reflectively. Visiting those special places that I went to when I lived there. Those events, faces, and stories that was attached to those places and trying to relive it as long as I could.

The uncertainty of the future engulfed me take time to think about it. To tell the truth, I am very afraid of what will happen, until when it will last? When this dark cloud shall lift? When pain and discomfort will no longer pile upon each other? While such times last, I realized the power that despair yields upon me so that I uttered, “my God, my God why have you abandoned me?” I prayed for a deep sense of trust, to accept whatever it is that will find in the end and embrace it with strength and courage. I tried to pacify by comforting myself with this prayer.

Lord, what You will let it be so.
Where You will, there we will go.
What is Your will? Help us to know.
Lord, when You will, the time is right.
In You there's joy in strife.
For Your will I'll give my life.

To ease Your burden brings no pain.
To forego all for You is gain,
as long as I in You remain.

Because You will it, it is best.
Because You will it we are blest.
Till in Your hands, our hearts find rest,
till in Your hands, our hearts find rest.

Great Surprise

I am never fond of surprises. Actually, I hate one. To tell you the truth, I am not really used to those kind of stuff. I am still having some issues on receiving “love”, and that is a running joke to me for almost years. But this one is quite different and even more touching

Last Saturday, July 22, I went out with two of my very special friends. Special because they were usually my “movie-mates”, they are my companions if ever I want to watch movies (take note of the s in movies) in just one day. Special because even though they are far away they taught me that distance is not a hindrance to friendship and still we find some time to get together and catch up.

We decided to meet in Makati at 1pm, to watch “Nacho Libre” a no brainer film. Maybe those things I need right now, to take a rest from the “brainy” part of studying Heidegger. Then at 3pm come our second movie “Pirates of the Caribbean”. Inside the theater, I can feel my stomach grumbling, since I do only have a P 200 in my wallet I cannot say “tara kain tayo! Libre ko” in as much I do want to treat them. After the movie, Binga said we are going somewhere to eat. I thought we are going to just near. This was the first surprise. We drove around the Makati area and went to Pasong Tamo. I don’t have any idea where we are going. But just got the idea when I remembered Don Bosco and there was a place there called Amici de Don Bosco that we wanted to try long time ago. And sure enough, we arrived at Amici.

Good food, good company. That is our tag line. We ate pasta, pizza and soda together with a bunch of laughter (which makes our dinner really special) and the crazy photo-op. It was really a great surprise, but they were only beginning. After dinner we walked around the church, sang a couple of songs by Up Dharma Down, and paid visit to some religous images just beside the church. After that, I thought we were going home, but not yet. “Game!” one of them said, and they blindfolded me (here you can see some kidnappers in the making) and “forced” to get inside the car (haha!). My heart was pounding that time, I am not used to surprises. Then again, I heard that we entered somewhere and I heard the guard asking us where are going (they saw me blindfolded inside the car) I jokingly said “kinidnap ako!!!” but the security were kind enough to let us enter (I wonder what they are thinking that moment). Then I went down, I could hear voices, and I asked where we are. Soon enough the doors were opened and they asked to take off my blindfold. And… wooooooooaahhhhh….. I never imagined that I will be going to this place (I have to admit it that was my first time).

We went to Manila Peninsula, they call it The Lobby. The place was great! Candle light, dim lights, soft scent of perfume and great music. The orchestra was kind enough to play our requested songs: Someone to watch over me, Smoke gets in your eyes, Somewhere over the rainbow, When I fall in love and the way you looked tonight. And then our dessert was served.

It was definitely a great night for me. To tell the truth I treat my birthday as a moment that will soon pass. But this time is definitely different. What really makes it wonderful, happy, and awesome is not only the food that we ate, nor the place we visited, or the movie that we watched. What makes it more special is when good friends celebrate it with you. Somehow it makes me feel that some people are glad because I am here, and it creates a great impact affirming my existence here in this world.

To Karen and Binga, you just don’t know how much happy I am that day. In fact I am still relishing the candle light, the dim lights, the soft scent of perfume and the gentle music in my mind. Words are not enough to express how much joyful and thankful I am for the act of kindness you have shown me. I am thankful to God that He blessed my life to have friends like you. In these times when I feel down and out, you become a light for me to see my way. You have shown me that there still beauty in this life. For you have shown me what the word “friends” really mean. Thank you!

This one is for you Karen and Binga, cheers!

Popcorn

Rarely in our life that we can encounter a text that will clearly articulate what we have inside our mind and heart. This text was given to us during our retreat. And the first moment I read this one, I can relate myself with the disciple in the story, or I was the disciple in story. In those times that I was really down, this one I could say helped me in a sense.

It was a wind-blasted winter evening, close to midnight, and the doors of the apartment were locked. Inside the disciple was eating popcorn and riffling through the Gospels. He was reading at top speed, flipping pages, hoping a word, a sentence, a story would make him stop. He was looking for something, but he wasn’t sure what it was.

Suddenly Jesus appeared and sat down in the chair opposite to him. The disciple blanched. He shook his head, rubbed his eyes, looked away and looked back. Jesus stubbornly stayed put. Finally, Jesus said, “got anything to eat?”

“I get it,” said the disciple. “That’s what you did after you rose. When the disciples thought you were a ghost, you asked for something to eat. It reassured them that you were real.”

“I was hungry. What is this stuff?”

“Popcorn.” The disciple passed the bowl over to Jesus. “Try some, Lord.” he said; and the words sounded absolutely ludicrous. He consoled himself with the thought that he didn’t say, “Mister Lord.”

Jesus took one piece of popcorn and looked at it as though he were examining a diamond with an eyepiece.

“Wonderful shape,” Jesus said; “and each one is just different. I like them.”

The disciple became uneasy. He never heard popcorn referred as “them”. And how much did he know he liked them if he hadn’t tasted them?

Jesus put one piece in his mouth and chewed it carefully for close to minute. The disciple grabbed a handful.

“Not enough salt,” Jesus finally said.

“Salt is not good for you,” warned the disciple.

“I was always one for a lot of salt,” said Jesus. “Hey! Jesus raised his finger in the air like he was about to give a teaching. “Has anyone tried putting butter on this stuff?”

“It’s been done. But butter is not good for you either.”

“You are a very careful person,” said Jesus.

“Thanks,” said the disciple. “Here, have some more.” The disciple raised the bowl of popcorn off the table and offered it to Jesus.

“No thanks.”

“You are the only person I know who can eat only one piece of popcorn and stop.”

“Of course. I’m God,” Jesus said, and laughed.

The disciple did tried his best to chuckle.

“How come when you eat popcorn?” Jesus said as he stroked his chin, “you try to get as much into your mouth as possible and it spills out, and you have to pick it off your shirt, and put it back to your mouth?”

“Oh God, I knew this was going to happen.”

“Why does everybody say that when I’m around?” asked Jesus, a bit irritated. “What did you know was going to happen?”

“You notice everything and make remarks.”

“Don’t you like to be noticed?”

“As a matter of fact I don’t.”

The disciple closed his eyes. When he opened them, Jesus was still there, smiling.

“Why did you come?”

“To teach you how to eat popcorn.” Jesus looked pleased with himself.]

The disciple looked down at the bowl of popcorn on the table. “Are you going to toy with me?” he said haughtily.

“I am not toying with you. I always come to see what is lost; and when people are searching through my story at midnight like it was a medicine cabinet. It is usually a sign that they are lost.”

Like hell I’m lost!” the disciple shouted.

“Like hell you’re not!” Jesus shouted back.

Their eyes locked. The disciple was first to look away.

“It’s a mild case of midlife crisis. I’ll be over it in a couple of months.” The disciple gave a “what can I tell you” shrug of his shoulders.

“Is that what they are calling temptation these days – midlife crisis?”

The disciple laughed in spite of himself.

Slowly Jesus reached over to the bowl of popcorn, took one piece and popped it into his mouth. Jesus’ obvious enjoyment made the disciple shake his head.

“Even God can’t eat only one piece of popcorn,” said the disciple.

“Especially God,” said Jesus. “Try some.”

The disciple instinctively took a handful of popcorn, but then let some fall back into the bowl. He put the pieces in his mouth two or three at a time.

When both of them had finished chewing, Jesus said in a very gentle voice, “You have been with me now a for a long time, and you were wondering whether it is all worth it. You are thinking of divorcing me quietly, aren’t you?”

“It crossed my mind.”

“My friend, you more chutzpah. Blessed are those who are not embarrassed by me.”

Jesus waited, but there were no words for a long time.

Then Jesus said, “there was a bank robber who planned a heist for a long time. He had worked out the details and was ready to go. But when he got to the bank teller’s window, he suddenly panicked and asked directions to the washroom.”

“Hah! You’re saying that I can’t carry through what I set out to do.”

“I’m saying risk the salt on the popcorn.”

“Jesus,” said the disciple in an exasperated tone, “I’m going to lay it on the line. You walk too fast: I can’t keep up.”

“Better be out of breath behind me than ahead of everyone else.”

“I want a more moderate master so that I can be a better disciple.”

“You are a perfect disciple. You are having second thoughts.”

“That may be accurate, but it’s hardly perfects.”

“My friend, that is the way of the earth beyond the earth. Why live out of something as small as you are? Love me because I am large enough to betray. But I do not think you are happy in the land of mercy.”

“God, you are a bittersweet experience. Why do you say things so harshly?”

“Peter used to say that I was the only one who could say, ‘God loves you’ and g et everybody mad.”

The disciple laughed. So did Jesus.

“You laugh at the right places,” said Jesus. Then suddenly he asked, “So are you going to stick around?”

“Where will I go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68)

“No fair stealing Peter’s lines.”

“Will you stick around with someone like me?” The disciple sighed like some great build up of pressure had been released.

“Is that what this is all about?” asked Jesus “you know everything; you know that I love you?”

“No fair in stealing Peter’s lines. Why did you say that?”

“When Peter said it to me, it blew me away. I hoped it might do the same thing for you.”

“But I don’t know everything.”

“You know enough.”

“I know that even when I want you to go away, I don’t want you to go away.”

“East of Eden we call that love.” said the Master, and tears ran freely down his face.

In imitation of his master, the disciple cried.

For a long time there were no words, only the silence of communication.

“You know,” Jesus finally said, “after Lazarus came back to life, he told me that what woke him up in the tomb was the sound of my tears” (John 11:35).

“I can believe it,” said the disciple.

Jesus smiled and reached for a third piece of popcorn. The disciple also took a piece. Jesus closed his eyes to savor better. The disciple did likewise. When the disciple opened his eyes, Jesus was gone. But there was such an incredible lightness to his being, such a revitalization of his heart that the disciple knew where he had vanished to.

Pagbabalik

Matagal ko na ring binalak na bumalik sa aking paaralan noong elementary at high school, ngunit hindi matuluy-tuloy dahil sa may kalayuan ang tinirihan kong bahay ngayon. Nasa Singalong, Maynila ang paaralan ko at sa Katipunan, Lungsod Quezon na ako tumitigil. Mahigit na walong taon na rin ang nakalilipas nang huli kong bisitahin ang paaralan ko.

Isang araw ng Sabado nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong makauwi sa aming tahanan sa San Andres. Ibang daan ang tinahak ko pauwi: mula Quezon City ay tumungo ako sa Taft Avenue para makasakay ng dyip patunong San Andres. Hindi sinasadya’y napadaan ako sa Singalong, at nang makita ko ang harapan ng gusali ng dati kong eskwelahan ay hindi napigilan ng aking mga paa na bumaba sa dyipning sinasakyan. Tamang-tama, Sabado at walang masyadong tao. Bukas ang opisina nang umagang iyon, at hindi ko pa nakukuha ang Caritas book namin. Naisip kong magandang gawing dahilan iyon pag tinanong ako ng security guard. Pumasok ako sa gate ng eskwelahan, pero walang sumita sa akin. Hindi ako pinansin ng gwardyang nakatayo sa may gate. Bagkus, pinagdiskitahan niya ang kasunod kong estudyante na hindi naka-pin ang ID. Natawa ako sa sistema. Wala pa ring pagbabago.

Habang tinatahak ko ang quadrangle na nasa gitna ng mga building, bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Ito ang lugar na kumupkop sa akin ng labing-isang taon. Umupo ako sa hagdanan ng stage sa harap ng quadrangle. Sa kinauupuan kong iyon, hindi maisawan ang mag-senti. Wala na akong balita sa mga kaklase ko noon. Inisip ko kung saan na nagpuntahan ang mga kaklase, ka-officer, ka-batch at kabarkada ko matapos ang pagpapalitan ng mga autograph, kodakan, tawanan, yakapan, iyakan at paalam noong graduation day. Ano na ang nangyari sa mga takot at pangarap namin? Malakas pa kaya ang mga teachers ko? Paano ko sila mapapasalamatan sa mga itinuro nila na ngayon ko lamang naiintindihan?

Muli akong naglakad patungo sa gusali ng aking paaralan. Naaalala ko pa noon na kung paano ako mabilis na naglalakad pasan ang mabigat na backpack at hinahabol ang flag cermony. Ibang-iba na rin ang mga building; taon-taon yatang pinipinturahan ng paiba-ibang kulay: green, cream, at white. Hinihintay ko na lamang na pinturahan ito ng pink para pinaka-kakaiba sa lahat ng mga gusali dito sa Maynila. Marami ring pagbabago sa quadrangle. Naglagay na sila ng mga benches. Kakaunti na rin ang mga halaman na nasa harap ng corridors ng bawat classroom. Marahil pinaghahagis na ng mga walang magawang estudyante, trip lang ba.

Sa quadrangle ring ito kami naghahabulan ng aking mga kaklase pagkatapos pagagalitan kami ng teacher ko noong grade 1 dahil sa pawisan at mabantot na kami. Dito rin sa quadrangle na ito kami tumitingala sa may corridors tuwing papauwi ang mga high school girls; ang turo sa akin ng isang kaklase baka raw kami makakita kami ng “langit”. Dito rin kami pinagpulot ng mga balat ng kendi at mga basong plastic pag nagpa-power trip ang teacher namin sa PE na tinatamad na magturo. At dito rin namin hinahabol ang mga pusang gala pag kami naman ang nagpa-power trip.

Inikot ko ang buong building habang ibinibalik ng buong building ang mga alaala ko. Halos walang pagbabago sa loob. Nadaanan ko ang canteen na puro mainit na lugaw lang binebenta noong elementary pa ako. Ito ang pinaka-masustansyang pagkain nainihahanda nila, yun nga lang, magpapaltos sa paso ang dila mo dahil kailangan mo itong ubusin sa loob ng limang minuto (15 minuto ang recess, 10 minuto late lagi ang lugaw). Dito nabuo ang grupo naming mga estudyante na laging nagpapalitan ng baon o kaya nama’y nanghihingi ng lugaw.

Napadako ako sa CR ng mga lalaki, na taon-taon din pinipinturahan para mabura ang mga vandalism. Naalala ko nang minsan umihi kami at nakaharap sa dingding, nabasa namin ang malalaking letrang nakasulat: “HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG MUNDO!” At sa gawing ibaba ng mga katagang iyon may nakadikit na berdeng buble gum at nakasulat: “Please Donate”, masunurin naman ang mga estudyante, kaya’t laksa-laksang maiiksi at kulot na buhok ang naidikit. Hindi salat sa sense of humor ang mga tao sa aking eskwelahan.

Napadaan ako sa Music room at sinilip ko ang loob niyon. Wala na ang nakakandadong piano na araw-araw naming pinaglalaruan. Marahil ay naihagis na sa mga sintunadong estudyante at choir.

Nakita ko ang library, kung saan makikipagsapalaran ka muna sa librariang bumubuga ng apoy bago ka makapaglabas ng libro. Pinuntahan ko rin ang Science Laboratory at naroon pa rin ang mga shells at mga patay na hayup. Main attraction dito ang fetus na nasa isang garapon. Hindi ko na nakita ang fetus, marahil pinatahimik na nila ang sanggol, napabalitaan kasing nagmumulto ito dati. Dito rin sa lab ang aming taguan tuwing gusto naming mag cutting classes.

Sinadya ko rin ang CAT Armory noong COCC pa ako. Sira-sira na ang mga kahoy na M1-garand, ito yung mga baril napinagpa-praktisan namin. Saksi ang silid ito sa mga kahindik-hindik na pinagagawa ng mga CAT officers sa amin. Ang pagpapasahan naming mga trainee ng iisang kendi sa bawat isa, ang pagpiring ng aming mga mata sabay hampas sa mga dibdib namin at bigwas sa tiyan. Pero hanggang ngayon wala pa rin ang nakakaalam ng mga tunay na pangyayari. Ang lagi nga naming sambit noon bago gawin sa amin ang mga iyon “(sir!) What you see, what you hear, what you feel, when you leave, leave it here (sir!).” Nadaanan ko rin ang THE room namin kung saan natuto kaming manahi at magluto ng menudo na puro patatas at pasas. Dinaanan ko rin ang mga naging classroom ko, nakita ko pa ang ang aking sarili na nakaupo sa isa sa mga upuan kasama ang mga kaklase ko.

Kinakabahan ako habang nag-iikot, baka kasi may teacher na makakita sa akin at sitahin ako. Baka tanungin ako kung ano ang section ko at isumbong ako sa adviser ko. Ngunit wala. Mag-isa lamang pala ako. Walang ibang tao sa paligid. Tahimik. Nakakabingi

Sinadya ko ang registrar’s office para kunin ang kopya ng Caritas book ko. Tuwang-tuwa ang registrar, sabik makakita ng mga graduates ng paaralan. Tinanong ko kung ano ang nangyari sa eskwelahan nang umalis ang batch namin, sinagot niya ang mga tanong ko pati ang mga bagong “chismis” tungol sa mga kaklase ko. Pati siya, hindi pa rin pala siya nagbabago.

Bago ako umuwi, bumalik ako at umupo muli sa hagdanan ng stage sa harap ng quadrangle at nagpahinga. Dito ako nakapwesto tuwing may CAT formation at sisigaw ng “Pasaaaa….. Masid!” at umaalingaw-ngaw ang sigaw ko sa buong quadrangle. Pugad din ito ng mga kapwa ko CAT officer tuwing mang-uuto ng mga COCC. Marahil isang huling pabaon mula sa aking paaralan.

Habang papalabas ako ng eskwelahan napansin kong wala na rin ang mga puno sa gawing kanan ng quadrangle. May bagong gusali ang nakatirik dito – ibinaon na ang paborito naming tambayan. Wala na ang mga tuyong dahon, ang mga bulateng binubudburan namin ng asin, ang mga higad na nambibiktima ng estudyante at ang mga tae ng ibon. Ang naiwan na lamang ay ang mga alaala ng mga pagkakaibigan ng mga batang sabay-sabay humarap sa mundo.

Magkahalong saya at lungkot ang baon ko pauwi. Dahil nakuha ko na ang Caritas book, marahil iyon na rin ang huling dalaw ko sa lugar na kumupkop ng aking kabataan.

Prayer for Busy (and other) People

(here is something I found in the internet, for your own amusement)

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen.

Facing Nothingness

Have you ever experience that after a long period of time, when you poured all of your effort on something and then one day you just feel that you want to give up and you will discover/feel that in front of you are an abyss and there is nothing. What is this nothing? Where will we find the nothing? In order to find something must we not already know in general that it is there? Indeed, and we must be able to encounter it.

In my class Advance Reflexive Metaphysics, my Professor Mr. Eduardo Calasanz started with Martin Heidegger’s article “What is Metaphysics” in 1930. Heidegger began his whole project with nothing that determined the whole flow of his thought (am I making sense here?). Nothing is his point of departure, and it is not something. Nothing here is used as a verb which cannot be reduced to a concept. Nothing is a certain experience, the complete negation of the totality of beings. However it deals with beings in a unity of the “whole”, if only in a shadowy way. It is the same when one experiences boredom or joy. In other translation of this text, nothing is being compared with the experience of angst.

Here is a more concrete example: in getting hold of ourselves, we lost control of ourselves right? When you commit to another person, one important element is trust. And when we entrust ourselves to the other we withdrew from everything and we become less in control. Trust is the radical vulnerability; it is lost of ground and certainty. And an example Mr. Calasanz gave was “what if JP here, who always dreamed of becoming a priest someday. So from childhood he prepared himself, he studied very hard, sacrificed a lot for that dream and then entered the seminary. Then suddenly, one day JP woke up and said to himself ‘ayoko na.’ (I don’t want it anymore)”

This feeling is not unknown to us. Maybe some of us have experienced this. When everything crashes, after what happened you discover that it is the end of the cliff. And that what he means by “nothing”. When we stake our self with only one thing and that one thing was lost. This is the experience when we ourselves discover that we are in front of an abyss, where we don’t have anything to hold on to. And ask ourselves: where do I go? Where do I begin? Where do I stand?

For Heidegger the choice of beginning is important. Maybe I am facing right now the nothingness, and I ask the same questions. Where do I begin? And this question I think is trying to make sense of the whole. After the experience of loss, fear, hurt, frustration etc. – where do I begin? We are caught between nothing and being (mortal, human). I am going to die (and that is what means to be human) but not dead yet – it means that there is still time for presence, to love and be love, to console and be consoled, to forgive and be forgiven… and this I think is the miracle of it all that there is. I hope after experiencing this nothingness will eventually reveal me something – what there is which means that there is something, something that will last and will show me as belonging to the Being of beings.

The Beginning

And the hardest of it all is the beginning…

Sometimes it is good to start a new one. Like this blog that I am writing, a tabula rasa where I could write again a new chapter of my life and eliminate those ugly events that had happened. Arrange those happy thoughts that could tell a perfect and good story which I weaved in my memory. However, life is not like that.

It is not easy to start again, before I thought that I was making a good progress out of my life, then again things happened and of those things I have been working from the start was shattered into pieces. Back to square one. What makes it hard is that when people have preconceived notion about you. And they will remember you because of the blunders you have done, and that will left a mark on them forever. That is the way of human persons, and is it possible for a person to start all over again?

Beginnings… most of it are an end of something. He who chooses the beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to, even without knowing where it would lead us. I carry with me my past, and yes I do not know where it would take me. Sometimes I am afraid of the uncertainty, of the horizon that I cannot see.

Beginnings are not that easy, but at the same time, it is also a blessing. After a fall, we are asked to pick up the pieces again and start rebuilding. Yes, it is not that easy but it is a chance we have to take. To be able rise up again, walk again, dream again and begin again. Life is not about how many times you have fallen, but it is how many times you are able to rise up and continue walking. And the grace of a beginning is that we are invited to trust. In this certainty that I cannot see, all I can do is to trust. To trust that whatever it is, it is his will. To trust that he makes all fall into place, that I am safe. Trust him because this is best way to live, and nothing else works.

With you I am , always with you. You hold me tight your hand in mine… you bring all things to a good end, you lead me on your pleasure, what is heaven to me without you? Where am I on earth if you are not there? Though my body is broken down, though my heart dies you are my rock… the future awaits for me. Far away from you, life is not life. To break faith with you is to be no one.

With you my highest God, with you I am… secure.